For our next college installment, we bring you Syracuse University. While this upstate New York private school is located in a city that actually prides itself on being diverse (gross) it's a place where betches and bros alike flock for parties, lacrosse, and general douchiness. Famous alum like Aaron Sorkin, Vanessa Williams, Joe Biden, and one of the black guys from Rent have come here for its academics, business shit, and its conveniently close proximity to nothing except other rando areas of western New York.
Sororities: First semester freshmen year is the only time during your college career when you can actually hang out with whomever you want, but after that you're locked into your stereotype and brainwashed to make fun of other houses. Dry pledging consists of not drinking for an entire 8 weeks. Oh that's possible?
ALPHA PHI – Tries to be again, diverse, which essentially just means some girls are not from Long Island or New Jersey.
KAPPA – Fun blondes who party hard and love a good ski trip
SDT – Jappiest of JABs. Consists of 90% Jericho/Timerblake/Hewlett/Lokanda stock. If you're from Long Island and your idea of branching out involves eating at a different froyo venue, this is the house for you. And hey, just because their parking lot looks more like it should be in East Hampton than upstate New York that doesn't mean they're sheltered.
AEPHI – also JABs but more nicegirls, only shadily #8 fuck bros.
Tri Delt – Pulitzer, pearls, pastels.
PIKE – The prequisite for joining is a penchant for rehab and/or jail. They're not exactly a real frat so they're low in numbers and have no frat house
ZBT – Your standard Jewish frat boys (Zero Bitches Tonight, “zbcheese” as Pike says). Go here if you're craving some strong jungle juice mixed with Xanax (allegedly). The last time they cleaned the house was in a previous century so if you're into the hobo-tie-dye look, lean against the walls.
Also beware of the Pike/ZBT rivalry.
SAMMY – Kinda “guido” Sammy+Kappa = BFF. Fun if you're into shit like muscles and hair gel.
DKE – Pretentious and wear khakis and polos think they're hot because their frat house looks like a castle.
AEPI – Nice Jewish boys who coudln't handle ZBT pledging, not the coolest guys but probably least likely to cheat on their girlfriends
At Night You Should
When you're not attending a prebar or a closed party you must go to one of these four places:
1. Harry's – Where you can pay cover to get into the basement of CVS. It is an SDT/PIKE sanctuary. Stand on the couches and hit the ceiling. The more you like the song, the bigger the bump on your head. The walls are covered in signatures from past Senior Sundays. Stop by ZJ's pizza before you leave if you're drunk enough to eat. The other side of the bar is Sammy/Kappa/Lax boys territory. Harry's is the place to go for hot lax bro sightings. Bouncers/people that work at the door usually are in Sammy. John the owner is kind of creepy and probably a shady drug dealer and everyone thinks they are his bestie. However, if you're his real bff he hooks you up with free shots of his fav, orange grey goose.
Whenever basketball players go out on Marshall St they go to Harry's so it becomes every small Jewish girl's mission to get a picture with one of them.
2. Lucy's – Songs you'll hear every night: Shout, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, etc. They have fishbowls and a shady smoking room. The actual name is “Lucy's Retired Surf Bar” and it's decorated with surf things. Go here to sweat, dance, and sweat.
*If you're not tagged in a picture drinking a Lucy’s fishbowl then you probably never went.
** The smoking room in the back of the bar is decorated with neon paintings with an under the sea theme. If you want to pretend you're a badass you should take a picture in here surrounded by cigarette smoke. Classy as fuck.
3. Chuck's – No one really goes until senior year. Check this place out if you want to pretend to branch out or to sign the walls. It's fun for happy hour during your first few weeks as a senior. This place is a GDI Mecca.
4. Faegans – They have pretty good food and people typically go here on Wednesdays for Flip Night. And no this doesn't mean nights when gays turn straights gay.
During the Day You Should
Get a manicure at Miracle Nails on Thursdays so you'll have it for the weekend.
Sit on the Whitman Streps and people watch.
Go to Garbos, a tanning salon where you can get a blowout before a #40 formal and be hit on by a large potential pedophile who will greet you as if he has plans to eat you for dinner.
ZBTahiti – Sand/herpes all over the frat house. Three-night party with whichever sororites are most likely to whore out.
Mayfest – Used to be cooler on Eurcleid but still an excuse for the entire campus to get wasted all day. You meet
people GDIs who you never knew existed.
Where to Live
208 is the the SDT/Pike kingdom. People will pay anything to live in these apartments on the border of scary-ass downtown Syracuse. Here you'll learn to be grounded and down to earth after the mirror of your BMW is slashed off with a bat. There is one parking lot where all the drama goes down, so you better hope you get a room with a window that faces the lot. The 208 parking lot is notorious for being the shittiest looking apartments with the nicest looking cars so if you don't have a Range Rover, BMW, or a Lexus you should find somewhere else to live.
Side Note: 208 was cooler circa 2011 and now is pretty lame.
Castle court is down the street from 208 area. It is a ZBT annex with mostly Alpha Phi girls.
South campus hosts your athletes, GDIs, and randos. It's a solid seven minute drive from the main campus.
Tokyo Seoul – The original best sushi/hibachi house on Erie Blvd. Chill balls with Mrs. Kim (old asian lady who runs the show with Mr. Kim. If she likes you you'll get extra gumballs.) Be sure to wave at all the awkward run-ins you have as you pass the other hibachi tables and plan on smelling like shit after you leave.
Koto – A more modern sushi/hibachi place closer to campus
Chuck's – This is what SU betches call beast mode. Anything you get there is amazing so if you're eating this week you should go.
Chucks is also a bar with a happy hour on Friday for seniors (the big black bouncer doesn't take shit from underclassmen, even if you just want to pick up food so stay the fuck away.) The whole place is covered in graffiti so you know it's legit.
Acropolis – A salad place where the token hunchback 80-year-old delivery guy, “Mr. Acropolis” delivers your food. Although he's really fucking weird and old with white hair and glasses, he's a town sweetheart.
Cosmos (said with a Syracuse accent “CAAZMOWS”) – It is the dirtiest/best diner in the world. This diner is old as fuck and famous for the toasted honey bun. You should get that if a 6000 calorie lunch is your jam. Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.
Syrajuice – CRACK. Really good food and balsamic dressing in Marshall Square Mall
*Marshall street – basically the central part of 'campus' where most food is, try to avoid all the bums on Marshall Street. If you want to feel good about yourself walk past the most famous hobo, the guy in the wheelchair, who will say “Hey pretty lady”… to you and all of your friends' friends.
Brueggers Bagels is the closest thing to a bagel place on the SU campus. Bagels are tiny and like 600 calories. It's always a good place to see morning afters or awkward run-ins.
Second semester, same places as every other school.
Most cultural thing you'll experience:
More diversity, homeless people.
It's cold but fear not, you can still dress like a slut to the bar because some guy will give you his jacket before you go back to his frat/apt and do things you'll regret in the morning.