Today we honor a school that Forbes has listed as one of the most expensive schools in the country, making it a betchy choice by default for any high school grad. I mean there was a report that came out just 6 hours ago stating how manipulative the school has been to keep it’s top rated status. If that isn’t winning then what is? Alma mater to notable betchy alum such as Jackie Kennedy, Rachel Zoe, and Alec Baldwin, GW is where thousands of betches and their skinny-jeaned Gay BFFs call home. There are few things more glamorous than paying top dollar to party in the city where America runs shit.
Greek Life: It's not completely necessary to be in Greek life at GW, but if you're from the Northeast and want to participate in constant rounds of Jewish geography, rushing is definitely something you should consider.
KKG – Also known as Kappa Kappa Gram-a, this house used to be filled with the easiest party girls from LA who were likely to blow you as long as you supplied the blow. Their rep is now on the decline because of a 2-year eviction from their house.
AEPhi – Love bracelets and jumbo Chanel bags are prerequisites for a bid, especially if you didn’t go to camp at Vega or Bryn Mawr. 99% JAB’s, but in recent years they have been diversifying with the addition of like, three minorities.
DG – These Boston blondes can be seen dropping their anchors (and panties) at any frat party they’re invited to. They're WASBs which is chill but still cannot hide the fact their current PC has a population of 12.
AEPi – These are the guys from Manhattan and the surrounding areas who can bar-out better than Lindsay Lohan circa now. They shell out a few thousand for their bi-weekly tables at lame DC clubs rather than throwing parties at one of their 2 houses. You can see them around campus attempting to look fratty in their Monclers and Gucci loafers.
Pike – They believe they are athletic bros even though they don’t actually win intramurals and also, they go to GW.
Sig Ep – ??
There are only 2 options for GW nightlife…Shadow Room or Opera. On Thursday nights girls stuff their bars of Xaney and packs of Camel Blues into their Chanel wallets on a chain and are greeted by Omar at the door to avoid the $20 cover and “long line.” After you trip 3 times on your way down the stairs, you stare down the skimpy hookers…I mean bartenders. The DJs are always the Epoch guys, so expect the same soundtrack Thursday after Thursday.
Opera is notorious for being a blackhole…keep your iPhone close and your Colombian cocaine closer.
Saturday nights consist of walking into a square box, aka Shadow Room. Just like Thursdays, Omar again greets the sleaziest girls at the door. Inside you push through the DCpeasants and claim your spot at one of the three tables bought by the AEPi guys. Beware, everyone who is everyone has been blacked out and carried out of Shadow at least twice…avoid Jason’s table if you don’t want to trip on a drug you probably have never even heard of.
McFaddens – Only at GW would it be considered trendy and betchy to go to a fucking sports club with the word “fat” in the title. A GW betch awaits her 21st birthday to spend 30 mins playing beer pong in a fucking saloon. Because it’s harder to get into McFads with a fake ID than fucking Fort Knox, it’s immediately considered a fucking hotspot. Leave your Loubs at home and opt for your Fiorentini and Baker boots…nothing’s sadder than spilling $2 beer on your red soles.
What To Do During The Day
Go to Georgetown – A true betch knows that there are only 2 cures for a hangover…a day of shopping and mani/pedis. After an hour sesh trying to pick that perfect shade of OPI at Jessica’s or Annie’s, betches head across the street to DC’s attempt at a Scoop…Cusp. After you push your way through fugly racks of Tory Burch (this isn’t 2007), you may find one or two cute Rag and Bone jeans or a new Haute Hippie fur vest. If you aren’t feeling too fat, brunch at Peacock Café is a must. Everyone knows you must be seen sitting outside with your Tom Ford shades on pretending to eat your tomato bisque. And for the non betch, you can see her waiting on line at Baked and Wired or Sprinkles for a cupcake with more fat than your 3rd grade bus driver.
Day parties at clubs like Eden where they have an outdoor bar, to try to make up for the fact that we don’t have any sports or tailgates.
Relaxed – Fucking everyone goes tanning here, but no one wants to admit they pay for the monthly unlimited platinum package. Consider this place GW’s underground railroad to Cabo, because unless it’s near break this is the closest to looking as tan as Jennifer Aniston in the 202.
Sports Club LA – No, this isn’t New York Sports Club or fucking Lerner Hell/Well. This is the $200 month gym at the Ritz. Yes, it’s a mile away unless you live at 2400 M, but fucking take an Uber if you’re lazy. The gym is actually pretty nasty, but it’s betchy to instagram your smoothie after a long 30 mins on the elip.
Where to Live
Thurston – Is there anything better than one of the most sexually active dorms in the country and all your betches in one building? Pick a floor, there will be a party on it any night of the week. Wake up with a condom on your doorknob.
Winston House, 2400 M, The Avenue – Like living in a luxury hotel. The Avenue is the new 2400 but located on campus, not as nice but more expensive and you can have room service delivered from the restaurants underneath.
Betches don't live at “The Vern” aka the Mount Vernon Campus, which is the second smaller GW campus and is known to be fucking weird and inconvenient.
Sweetgreen/Whole Foods – Yes, there's no dining hall at GW and that confuses people, but everyone here knows that Sweetgreen and Whole Foods are a better substitution. You can get the healthiest salads (without bread, fucking duh) or delish sushi straight from the Potomac River. Just make sure to never wait on line, because that’s for peasants.
GW Deli coffee is a staple – betches might actually wake up early just to beat the long line.
Sports (or lack thereof)
Unless you call taking 50 mgs of Addy a sport (I mean, it honestly is), there is nothing sporty spice about GW. If you want to pretend you go to a Big 10 school (sounds like a nickname for the frosh 15), you obvi go away to other schools over the weekends.
Special Events Include:
Visiting Maryland – College Park is sketchy as fuck, but it’s a 20 min cab away. Stock up on UMD clothes at the Book Exchange or throw on your old red Free City and leggings. Remember to bring your own alcohol for tailgates, because Grey Goose and Belv and cranberry juice don’t exist in Prince George’s County. Clearly you’re going to see your camp friends, but remember no one wants to spend another SUPY drunk reunion, so make sure to leave by 5 pm.
What To Do Before You Graduate
Explore DC – It’s social suicide (and possibly murder and mugging) to leave Foggy Bottom/DuPont/Georgetown while undergrad at GW, but when a true betch matures, she starts to realize she needs to be (or appear) cultured. A betch also knows nothing is trendier than instagram, so insta-ing a pic of you at a food truck is cultured. I mean not only did you have to eat that falafel standing up but you also had to fucking get money at an ATM to pay for it in cash…a lot of fucking work.
Explore the Adams Morgan area of DC – another place people go out at night to “explore DC” and get a late night jumbo slice and the diner.
Try to #117 branch out by going to “different” bars to meet boys who go to Georgetown, or try to be fratty and go to the Treehouse or the off-campus Pike houses.
Most Cultural Thing You'll Experience
The DC ghetto, going to the monuments to instragram, going to eastern market, going to the newseum/other museums
No sports, tourists eating in the basement in Ivory, Obama's motorcade casually waking you up in the morning