Betches And Bronzers: A Guide

Everyone knows that the invention of bronzer is equally as important in the history of beauty as the decline of scrunchies (the 80’s were really, such a dark time). In fact, bronzer was probs invented by some super pale betch in the early 1700’s who was all like “WTF why is my skin reflecting everything? There must be something I can do about this. Let me smash up this dirt and put it on my face.” Unfortunately, it didn’t become a popular beauty product staple until sort of recently, which explains the terrifying flashback in your mom's wedding pics (again, the 80’s, such a dark time).

You might be asking, “Well okay, besides you insulting my mom, that’s fine betch, but what fucking bronzer do I even choose?” Walking down the makeup aisle at Barney’s is akin to picking a movie on Netflix whilst hungover, and can plague even the most seasoned betch with a nauseating case of “too many choices.” So I've broken it down for you in an easily digestible manner, hoping that this is the only thing you digest today because I care about you.

By Skin Type

If you have oily skin, don’t lie to yourself and end up purchasing a liquid bronzer thinking it's going to work out for you. You should try to find an oil free product that has long lasting properties. We like Stila's Stay All Day Bronzer.

If you have dry skin, get a bronzer that has moisturizing properties so it doesn’t end up flaking off your face. Or a liquid one such as Estee Lauder’s Bronze Goddess Luminous Liquid Bronzer.

By Undertones

If you have warm or neutral undertones, congratufuckinglations, almost every shade will look good on you. Try Guerlain's Terracotta Bronzing Powder for shits and gigs.

If you have cool undertones, it’s a bit more difficult to find a shade that doesn’t look bright orange on your face. To combat this, find something with a sheer finish and more neutral hue, like Benefit's Hoola. Side note: if you don’t know what kind of undertones you have, you might need to rethink your priorities.

By Finish

There are basically two kinds of bronzer finishes: shimmer and matte. Shimmer, NOT to be confused with sparkly, can be gorge, especially for the summer. But you have to be careful not to go buckwild with it, so always apply that shit in natural lighting and use a light hand. Right now, we're loving Buxom's Hot Escapes Bronzer.

If you are trying to make your face something it’s not and are attempting to use your bronzer for contouring purposes, well then a.) always choose choose a matte bronzer, like the ones by Bobbi Brown, and b.) go read about how to contour like a betch.

Honorable Mentions

Within the last couple of years, technology has really advanced in the field of bronzing. Some of the best ones on the market today include a bronzer that makes your face smell like chocolate (Too Faced Soleil Matte Bronzer) and a waterproof bronzer (by Tarte Cosmetics) that you can swim in, so in the off chance someone sees you underwater, you still look hot.


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