Last night was the first regular episode of the season, and we barely made it past the reading of the first date card before we got to see who our early season villain is going to be. Chad couldn’t wait a hot sec (see what I did there?) to initiate a dick measuring contest with the other contestants. I mean, he’s not NOT right about the fact that it’s completely lame that these guys sit around writing folk songs with a really wide range of lyrics: “Jojo, JoJO, Jojojo, Joooo…Jo.” It’s like Bachelorette Glee or the world’s saddest a cappella. But still, Chad needs to take off his luggage weight belt and STFU.
Fire Group Date
The episode begins with all the guys hearing an explosion outside the house and running outside to see what’s going on. Oh yay, a limo is on fire and Jojo wants to know which one of you pussies will be able to help her in case of an emergency where there are no firefighters around. Shocker, all the guys behave exactly how they would if they witnessed theirs and Jojo’s dream home burning to the ground: they stand there cluelessly while reciting hotness puns.
“The limo wasn’t the only thing on fire.” – Original.
What a waste of a limo and the LA Fire Department’s time and water. Isn’t there a drought in California?
This reminds me of the episode where the real housewives of Beverly Hills try and build a house and also didn’t know WTF they were doing.
Wells, if you can’t take the heat, get off The Bachelorette.
Grant is an actual firefighter in real life and they’re making him work while on vacation. He’s prob all like, I did not leave the South Side for this. But really it would have been so embarrassing for him if Luke won.
PEOPLE. Grant did NOT save Jojo’s life. It was a group date.
These guys should be comforted to know that although Grant won the competition, there’s no chance he’s getting that far. Have you seen Jojo’s house? She’s not marrying a firefighter.
Grant on why Jojo should date him: “I’m going to love you extra since I could die at any moment.”
Jojo: How did you do so good?
Luke: It’s actually so well.
Luke’s occupation is a war veteran. Is that a paying gig?
Early Chad Drama
“If all these guys were a protein shake what kinda shake you would you get? Well none of these guys would make it…” OBVIOUSLY, YOU JUST PUT THEM IN A BLENDER. You know you’re a true meathead when your metaphors are about protein shakes.
Chad: Don’t you guys think it’s weird that you’re making a song up about a girl you just met?
All the guys: No, not at all.
“I always warn girls, stay away from the nice guys.” – Chad, our secret Betches intern.
“You can’t be in love with her yet. If you are, that’s weird.” – Fair.
Date with Derek
Derek and Jojo go on a really chic private jet date with the theme of “decisions.” He’s super cute but conversation with him is like pulling teeth.
Jojo: Tell me about your past relationships
Derek: I’ve never spoken to a single person about this
– Wow that seems healthy
Derek: I wanted to move forward in my last relationship, but there was an ulterior third party member in her life and so that did not proceed.
Derek: Sometimes it’s hard for me to open up
Jojo: Thank you for opening up
– This guy is emotionally unavailable, Jojo. RUN
ESPN Group Date
For the next group date, Chad and everyone else go to ESPN where they change Sports Nation (a show that is evidently on ESPN but I don’t know about) to Bachelor Nation, and the hosts are going to power rank the bachelors after they do a bunch of random games that went over my head.
First the bachelors are supposed to “strike a rose” which seems like some sort of game where they make a little dance dedicated to Jojo. Chad pretty much spends the date calling out the other guys for trying too hard AKA participating in the date.
“These guys are acting like this is some sort of talent show and Jojo isn’t a real girl who wants to get married” – IT IS A TALENT SHOW CHAD. CHAAAAAAAD CLEARLY UNAWARE THAT THIS IS A TV SHOW.
“Starting off a little naggy over here” – Chad’s power move is to break up with Jojo before they start dating, thus giving himself the upper hand.
Chad: Chill, Jojo’s not going anywhere. She’s not gonna get on a jet and fly away to Malaysia – Um actually there is a very high chance of that happening.
Chad really has to make a burn book. “Nick is trying so hard, he’s being so weird. Alex is 5’4..”
She’s eating up this whole asshole shtick.
Chad: Yeah my mom’s dead but like she left me this awesome puppy, bro!
Jojo: At least Chad knows he’s mean! Unlike Cady Heron who tries to act so innocent like, oh I’m from Africa with all the birdies and the little monkeys.
Jojo must be a really good kisser because they all really like her after they make out with her.
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
At the end of the episode the bros of the house decide that they’re over letting Chad be a dick and they’re going to confront him. But tbh Chad is sort of right about them which leads to the most anticlimactic confrontation of all time.
“We’re a bunch of dudes who are going to confront you..slightly”
“It’s like if the care bears surrounded you and told you they were going to kick your ass” – that was actually what it was like.
Bachelor superfan on Chad: “When you miss a meal and you look like that it is detrimental to your progress. Or at least that’s what I heard…from him.” – Chad loves the meat.
After James Taylor’s long handwritten speech about how amazing she is. – Awww, but you’re not going to win.
Alex compares Chad interrupting his conversation with Jojo to a horror film. Chad is the new Freddy Krueger. Alex is a total drama queen.
“Number one, I’m not here to make friends. Number two, it’s fun to mess with people when they get upset.” – Chad / Me at sorority chapter
“She’s going to keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short people. I don’t even know who Christian is.”
The Bachelor super fan gets sent home 🙁 Guess he should have done more research.