Ben and Lauren are back, deciding well, shit, since the proposal already happened, might as well get married. Please remember that they agreed last week to get married on national television, for love, NOT FOR MONEY, OKAY?!
The Bachelor producer is overwhelming them with plans, because like, that’s what she does, she fucking produces shit. They act like this is unheard of.
They decide they need to “get out of here” and Lauren suggests doing the whitest thing possible—aerial yoga. What’s next, gonna take Ben to a fucking juice bar?
Ben wears hot pink spandex and dangles from the fucking ceiling, making every gay viewer’s wet dream come true.
BEN: The best part of being engaged is that you don’t have to try and be cool anymore, like, she’s already settled.
Ben’s like “it’s important to do things that are different”- he acts like they are fucking base jumping instead of just doing yoga at a studio in Denver. Jesus Christ.
Ben decides to take her camping, because isn’t that just every girl’s fucking dream when she’s stressed out? To go to a place with no fucking toilets?
Ben picks up Chris Soules and Lauren goes with the twins, Emily and Heather. This is a fucking crew. I give them a combined score of 3 on Naked and Afraid.
THE TWINS: If I have to look at a fucking leaf I will vomit
Chris talks about The Bachelor like my grandpa talks about his childhood—“back in my day I camped with 6 other women and we had to walk 10 miles in the snow, uphill, to get to school.”
The twins are trying to gangbang Chris, fucking gross. Those three together adds up to an IQ of 30. Meanwhile Ben and Lauren prove to know a lot about each other:
BEN: LAUREN IS GOING TO LOVE THE WOODS
LAUREN: kill me
Lauren is outdoorsy in the sense that she like, owns a Northface jacket. She’s not some Bear Grylls shit.
Lauren and the twins hold their breath through a tunnel and yes I hate myself for having to write that sentence probably as much as you hate yourself for having to read it.
Ben tells Chris that they invited Chad because “Lauren thinks he might be a good person.” Yeah, well sometimes I think I should do crystal meth but then I think, hmm, better not.
If I were to take a shot for every time the twins shrieked over a fucking bug, I would be getting my goddam stomach pumped. Seriously, Emily? It’s a fly! What, have you never been outside before?
Ben teaches Lauren how to fish, which is about as equally thrilling as watching paint dry or grass grow. So far, snoozefest. We all know Chad is coming soon, give the people what they want!!
Lace and Grant show up, because why the fuck not, and they’re like “could you imagine if Chad showed up?!?!” LOL what are the odds, right?! I mean, haha, a reality show would never put us in an awkward situation like that!!!
Lauren didn’t realize Lace/Grant were going to come and now she’s like “WE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.” MMMM yeah, ya think? They decide that they’ll tell Lace and Grant later about their worst enemy coming to sleep in the wilderness.
The girls can’t build a tent and the boys go to make a fire, only to find out they forgot matches. Fucking morons. They look at Grant and he’s like “bro, I’m a firefighter. Like this is the exact opposite of what I do.”
The boys and girls switch and Lace is like LOL 420 blaze it, I have a lighter. Wow! Such great humor on this show! Give them the comedy Emmy, goddammit!
Ben tells Lace that he invited Chad and she’s like “what the flying fuck?” She tells Ben that she’ll try and be nice, but there is like a 0% guarantee that will happen.
Lace tells Lauren and Ben how Chad went and hooked up with Grant and Robby’s ex and finally Ben and Lauren are like, “huh, maybe Chad actually has all these enemies for a reason? Who knew!”
Lauren’s like “what better place to have a therapy session than a campfire?” Hmmm, I don’t know, a therapist’s office? I feel like that’s a better place.
Lace is teaching Emily how to pee in the fucking woods. At what point does this become your life—popping a squat in the woods on TV. The twins’ parents must be so proud.
LACE: Wow, you’re really doin’ it. You’re shittin’ the street.
They see a bear and Ben starts freaking the fuck out. He truly has the weirdest boner rn for this woodland creature.
The twins are like “I LOVE BEARS I JUST WANT THEM TO EAT ME NOM NOM NOM.”
Ben’s drunk and chasing after bears, aka me AF. He’s like running into the woods screaming while Lauren low-key wants to murder him.
BEN: WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN!?
LAUREN: Have you ever seen The Revenant?
Ben is like “I’M A BOY I’M IRRESPONSIBLE.” He tells Lauren not to worry about him because “man”. We men, we smash. Goes fishing one time, thinks he’s the poster child of masculinity.
Grant and the boys start stripping and put out the fire, while the three white, blonde girls rap. Seriously, what’s with the rapping on this show? It has got to stop, I beg of you. #StopWhitePeople
The team goes white water rafting while the twins break out into a remix of “Row Your Boat”. What is this? The short bus glee club? Fucking stop.
I’m officially drunk. Which is 80x more thrilling than any of this shit.
Chris rides at the front of the boat, which does not look safe but he’s like, “ah fuck it.” All he has is his farm in Idaho, so he really has nothing to live for anymore.
CHRIS: this sucks, there were no injuries. Everyone lived. 1/5 on Yelp.
Lace is already crying and Chad hasn’t even shown up. Ah Lace, you were not missed.
Lace is like “I HATE HIM I WISH HE DIDN’T EXIST.: Lace is every older sister talking to a younger sibling.
LACE: I hate you and I wish you were never born!!!!
At that moment, Chad shows up out of the fucking darkness, like a fucking axe murderer, whistling. He’s like “HEY EVERYONE” and literally everyone is silent, minus Lace, who is crying.
Chad starts shoving his face with a marshmallow because nothing makes him hungrier than having to possibly apologize. Look, he came for the campfire songs, not a fucking sob-fest.
CHAD: Y’all gonna keep crying, or….can we eat s’mores?
Lauren takes one out of every Trump supporter’s book and tries to justify his overall shitty actions.
LAUREN: Sure, he’s ruined people’s lives, threatened to kill people and tried to fight our friends but like, deep down he seems like a nice guy
Lauren is like “I see who you really are”. What are you? The douche whisperer? Lauren, now is not the time to give back to charity case Chad.
LAUREN: You aren’t that bad guy off camera
CHAD: Well, actually….
Lace asks Chad why he is like this and he says because he is trying to make people laugh. Which like, it low-key does so I’ll give him that.
Chad is begging everyone to stop pointing out his flaws and just eat their fucking campfire snacks but they just won’t let it go.
Ben asks the cameras to be put down, LOL, good one, and channels the High Septon—“repent Chad, repent!!” Chad gives an apology that is so half-assed, it’s actually impressive.
CHAD: If I like, considered my actions and how they make people feel, which I never do, sure, like I guess I’d be like, eh. That’s not cool. Sure. Whatever.
Grant is like “If your mom was here what would she think?” And Chad’s like “OHHHH NOW YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT MOMMAS.” Which is kinda fucked up because Chad’s mom just died. Idk everything about this situation is fucked up and makes me uncomfortable. G2g bye.
Lace is fucking wailing in a corner and Chad is like “I keep trying to apologize!!!” This whole show has ended up basically being nothing about Ben and Lauren. So far, so good.
Chad reluctantly apologies and is like “yeah worst camping trip ever” and dips the fuck out of there.
CHAD: This camping trip is horse shit! I didn’t want salmon, I said it four times!
The camping trip ends and they show a video of the crew taking down the tents….in the same outfits they were wearing when they got there. Yeah, I’m calling bullshit on this whole “roughing it” thing.
They all look like models while camping whereas I look like a straight-up homeless person.
Lauren is like “it’s so nice getting away from distractions” as TV cameras follow them. Yup, nothing like a nice, peaceful reality show.