This episode is called “the freak comes out at night,” so I’m already afraid for what I’m about to see. OH WAIT, I can’t see it because Bravo hasn’t put the full episode up online yet! Welp, Sgt. Olivia Betchson is taking that L, it’s up to my associates to bring this recap home.
A love triangle between Kelley, Lauren and Emily: Who is going to come out on top—or should I say, bottom?
“Single as a Pringle” doesn’t make any sense, who only eats one Pringle?
Ben said “baby”—drink.
Is this Kelley flirting? Jesus, no wonder it’s been five months. I’m surprised it hasn’t been five years.
Nico. Stop pretending. You love Lauren. Not Emily. If Nico does not get with Lauren, I will call upon Poseidon to capsize their boat. Do I have that power? TBD.
Emily: Would you like a drink?
One of the gross guests: Just a vodka something.
^Me right now.
Oh good. The guests are doing pushups and the loser gets a wax. Maybe they’ll lose weight and body hair. A girl can dream.
That is the saddest attempt at pushups I have ever seen, but I get it. Rich people don’t need to exercise; they have people to do that for them.
Watching this guy scream over a chest wax is all the proof I need that men are the weaker sex. I get that shit done to my vagina once a month and I don’t even flinch. I’m a bad-ass bitch.
Actual footage of Sasquatch over here getting a wax:
The Russian dude has a legit carpet on his back. Repulsive. Holy shit, is he a fucking bear?
Drink for an America toast at dinner.
Mr. Chow sounds like a Bond villain.
That looked like a fucking load of cash. Knowing these asshats it’s probably all ones.
Holy shit that was a joke. They really did pay in ones.
How does Captain Lee know it’s $20,000 when he hasn’t actually counted the money yet? Is he secretly a savant?
Nico and Lauren talk about living in a bubble. They are officially every 15-year-old couple at sleepaway camp.
Now Lauren is telling a story about a dude she knew who ate his scabs. Wtf? Are y’all like trying to break a goddamn record for the most nasty shit mentioned in an episode?
Captain Lee being an old perverted man, checking out Emily. Is anyone else confused by everyone’s intense desire for Emily? She’s a living doll, but she just doesn’t seem like she’d be the regulation hottie of the boat. She’s like the Julia of Below Deck. (AYTO season 4, #neverforget y’all).
Nico: They don’t call me Freako for nothing
This is the most awkward dinner I have ever seen. I just want to excuse myself from the table, but alas I am not there.
Whoa, Kelley. Way to be a fucking snitch.
How drunk is Nico rn? You can’t just try to hook up with every chick in sight. You’re on a boat. PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU. Also, why is everyone so obsessed with him? His tribal tat is like standard marking for a douchebag.
Thank God this new bro has subtitles because it’s National Taco Day and I’m three margs in so I have no fucking clue what he’s saying.
Sierra is totally into Kyle (new guy).
Kyle: Crack on. Cheers, pub.
Classic “the alcohol made me do it” excuse—sorry, Nico. Not gonna fly. You could try Sears.
ALERT: A male deckhand is ironing clothes! Sexism is dead!
Emily is serving Nico some truth tea about being a fuckboy and it’s giving me life.
Ew, Kelley. Get your nasty bare feet off the table while people are eating. Are you all barbarians?
Nothing like a “wassup chica” to clarify that you are, in fact, in the friend zone.
Could someone get Kyle a bigger shirt? He’s in a fucking baby tee.
Do we have to watch Kate give a tour of the boat every week? We’ve all seen this.
These charter guests look like they’re 12. I already hate them. I can sense the daddy issues from here.
Kyle: Sierra has the Alaskan face. Like cold weather. And I’m a Viking. She can come sail with me anytime.
Wtf are you even saying?
This dad charter guest is pretty much my poor dad anytime my family goes anywhere. He’s just accepted that all the women in his life may or may not have a slight drinking problem.