Bella Thorne is an intriguing character, no? On the one hand, she is a relatively competent actress, starring in the Freeform original series Famous in Love as well as the poor man’s A Fault in Our Stars, called Midnight Sun. On the other hand, she shares Instagram stories of herself and her boyfriend ModSun smoking something I strongly suspect is drugs, thinks glitter is an acceptable item of clothing to wear in public, and named her dog Tampon without anyone holding a gun to her head. Who is Bella Thorne, really? Today, unfortunately, the answer to that question is: a musician. Yes, some deaf soul out there with a lot of money to burn gave Bella a record contract. And it looks like she’s really leaning into the trash bag side of her personality with the two songs she just dropped, “B*tch I’m Bella Thorne” and “GOAT”. I’m about as excited to listen to Bella Thorne’s new songs as I am to get my annual pap smear at the gynecologist. But, for all of you, I am willing to risk an eardrum hemorrhage to review them.
Buckle up everyone, and join me on this nightmare ride of Bella Thorne’s new songs.
I start off my journey embarrassed for Spotify to know I’m seeking out Bella Thorne, Artist. When I get to her page on my office computer, my embarrassment grows because, of course, in her artist photo she is wearing a sheer shirt with pasties over her nipples. Those pasties are staring right at my cube neighbor, Rick. They are winking hello. Oh God.
Full disclosure, from following Bella on Instagram, I just thought “B*tch I’m Bella Thorne” was just a slogan tee she was selling to her underage fans who wanted to seem edgy and/or had nothing else to spend their allowance on. I was wrong. It is a song with strong Kesha vibes, if Kesha was dropped on her head as a baby and had an affinity for bath salts. On the bright side, the song answers my question as to why her artist photo exposes so much of her chest (“Let me show my nipples, what I need a shirt for?”). The rest of the song is much of the terrible, awful same. Bella Thorne declares she is, indeed, Bella Thorne. In fact, she says “B*tch I’m Bella Thorne” so many times in this song I am starting to think maybe I am Bella Thorne. Is this like how the Beatles used to brainwash people with their music? IS BELLA LIKE THE BEATLES? I just reread that sentence and now I’m concerned that I’m going slightly insane. Will leave it in on the off chance I am right. Bella also intersperses the song with lyrics like, “Pussy scuba diving, need a surfboard,” and “I don’t got a license but I got a Porsche.” So, needless to say, the lyrics are upsetting on an emotional level because they are revolting, and on intellectual level because they make no sense. I hate this song.
I’ve moved on to “GOAT” now, and I am not feeling optimistic. The depression “B*tch I’m Bella Thorne” has plunged me into has left me wondering if I should just emotionally eat an entire pizza with a side of mozzarella sticks and call it a day. I decide to soldier on for the sake of journalism. Am true martyr. I put on “GOAT”.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that “GOAT” is slightly better than “B*tch I’m Bella Thorne”, in the sense that getting run over by a Suburban is better than getting run over by a tractor-trailer. This ruling is based solely on the fact that Bella does not sing her own name over and over again as if it is the most genius lyric ever created by a musician on planet earth. In this song Bella sings “She the motherfucking GOAT,” but I am getting the feeling that she is singing about herself. And to that I would say Bella, have you heard of Serena Williams? She’s the real GOAT.
There’s not much else to say about this song other than the fact that if I was high right now, maybe I’d think it sounded pretty good too. And at least it is mercifully short.
In conclusion, I would say these songs are only for those of you who spend the day thinking, “I just really need to hear the word pussy in my music more.” And, I know Bella just clapped back at internet commenters who accused her of using drugs and she said people tear her down for no reason, but Bella, I would just like to be clear. I have a reason: This is some fucking terrible music.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)