226. Being Sooo Busy

A betch never lies per se, she just exaggerates and/or omits crucial details. One of the lies a betch tells the most often is “I’m sooo busy.” That’s because we all know that half a betch’s day is spent stalking the Kardashians’ social media and if you’re really important, she’ll make the time for you.

Usually preceded by “Ugh I wish I could but…”, the “I’m sooo busy” is like the betch’s LBD of excuses, she can take it anywhere and it never fails.

But like any excuse for avoiding responsibilities, you don’t want to wear one out too thin, otherwise it loses its power to free you of your commitments. It’s like when you first started putting Splenda in your iced coffee every day and now Splenda hardly has a taste. Similar idea, I think. That’s why, being “sooo busy” must strictly be limited to:

The girl you “bonded with” when you were drunk – I couldn’t even remember my own phone number, do you think I remembered that we agreed to see Kelly Rowland in concert next month? I don’t even like Kelly Rowland. God, wtf was I doing? Not to mention, at the rate I’ve been blacking out on the weekends I’m not sure I’ll even be alive next month, or like, not on probation.

Your parents when they ask how the job search is going – For my parents at least, it’s quantity over quality. I could be applying to 57 high-level engineering jobs when I majored in creative writing, but all they need to know is, “Yeah I’ve been sooo busy I applied for 57 jobs I can’t imagine why I haven’t heard back. Dad this is all your fault, why are you only the CEO of one company??”

The BBB – When he’s inching toward stage 5 on the clinger scale. He’ll either get the hint that you’re busy with other people (guys) or he won’t, and if that happens Houston, you have a problem.

Turning down a date in general – In the 1980’s the go-to rejection was “I have to return some video tapes.” TG times have changed.

Asking for an extension on a project – Anyone can have their friend pose as a fake mortician exhuming your grandma’s nonexistent corpse—how many times do you think your professor has heard that one this year? Come on. Be original.

Any sort of physical activity – “I could but I’m just soooo busy” …sitting on my ass all day.

Chapter – Being hungover is a full-time job, OK Standards??

Any other thing you just don’t want to do because it’s mildly inconvenient – Oh, did I say you don’t want to use this excuse too much? Whoops, it’s whatever.

Two final things to keep in mind:

Keep it to no less than 3 o’s – It’s scientifically proven that the “busier” you are, the more o’s you use.

Keep it vague – If someone tries to get you to divulge more details than just “busy,” don’t fall into this trap!! Even if they try to cleverly bait you by asking, “So what kinds of things have you been doing lately?” don’t be fooled! Keep it as unclear as possible by answering, “Everything.” Not only will you put off handing in your take-home final for another week, but everyone will be wondering what you’ve got going on that’s so damn important, and they’ll keep coming back for more. Trust me, an SAB I was with used to pull this shit on me all the time and it took months for my brain to kick back in and tell me to GTFO.


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