175. Being A Vegetarian (sometimes)

We all know the betch whose reason for being so trim isn't that she worships at the #168 Soul Cycle cult or that she's always #5 dieting. She just calls herself a vegetarian. Does this betch like, really love animals? No. Does she have an ethical problem with how they become bite-sized tartare squares on the menu? Fuck no. In fact, the vegetarian betch would probably choose fox over faux and was pissed when she found out her Stella McCartney bag was made of bullshit “vegan leather.”

Vegetarianism is all about losing three pounds. It's a socially-accepted form of lifelong dieting that also makes you appear sort of down to earth. But we all know that if vegetarian betches really cared about animals, they'd go vegan or at least walk their little dogs themselves.

No, vegetarianism is a diet because it effectively cuts out like half of the edible items on the planet. What's betchier than being at the top of the food chain and still casually choosing to not eat meat? Being a vegetarian is chic.

Fuck the negative “karmic” vibes that you supposedly ingest when you eat the slaughter-chic kobe cattle that you once read about in Skinny Bitch. What vegetarian betches are really feeling when they cut out meat aren't the benefits of a purist lifestyle, it's the SKINNY ENERGY that comes along with being fucking STARVING.

PETA-loving, granola non-betches will argue in favor of the vegetarian lifestyle because they think we can thrive off of wild berries and wheatgrass forever, like the geese they insist on not turning into foie gras. Sounds skinny, but betches realize that vegetarianism is a diet not an ethos. They recognize when their dietary restrictions become high maintenance in a bad way, and in these cases, they simply put the vegetarianism on pause. For example, the vegetarian betch would never care enough to redirect group dinners to restaurants where she can order grassy, veg-friendly items to move around on her plate.

But no matter how much a betch pretends to give a shit about animals and the #47 environment, we all know where the line is drawn. No betch could ever cut out fish because that would mean cutting out sushi. Oh, caviar comes from animals? Are fish eggs technically alive yet? Does life begin at conception? Therefore occasionally cheating on your vegetarianism is as big a surprise as Mika coming out of his falsetto closet. When a betch is wasted this shit goes out the window and her Sunday morning regrets might include anything from chickens to pigs to cows. Everyone knows chickens are the fish of the sky!

So betches, have your cake and do not eat it too, because it probably has animal products in it somewhere, and that shit goes straight to your thighs. And remember, the only function an animal should serve in your life is decorating your apartment floor (sometimes).

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