This week on betchy linguistics we’re covering a phrase you’ve no doubt heard/seen on hashtags, Thought Catalog think pieces, Funny or Die videos, and everywhere in the fucking world for the past few months. Like honestly this phrase is more ubiquitous right now than Miley’s tongue was before and after the VMAs, and it’s sort of getting annoying. But since it won’t fucking go away it’s time we weighed in because…what's that saying? Oh yeah, if you can't ignore 'em till they go away, join 'em. We might be a little late to the game but betches are fashionably late to literally everything, so what do you expect?
You probably already know where we’re going with this; we’re talking about the basic bitch.
Since I never heard anyone say “basic bitch” before that one Kreayshawn song came out, I’m going to go ahead and conclude that she made it up or at least popularized it, making “basic bitch” Kreayshawn’s only real contribution to society.
So, what is a basic bitch? Okay so first like think of what basic means, and now imagine how that could apply to a person. Still stumped? Alright then, a basic bitch is just…plain. Simple. Vanilla. She likes the same shit everyone else likes and has no real distinguishable personality. Essentially it just means you’re unoriginal, boring, and you kind of suck in general. Basically a nice girl but not necessarily as smiley.
Some basic bitch interests include: Uggs, pumpkin spice lattes, Eat Pray Love, leggings as pants, Girls, Pinterest, Jennifer Lawrence, or anything else that every rich white girl on the planet likes. If you’re not sure, ask a betch from the North shore of Long Island, home of Basic Bitch Headquarters.
Wait, Starbucks, leggings, Uggs…did you just like copy and paste all the items from the Betch List? You caught us there, it’s time for some real talk: every betch is a little bit basic. It’s okay, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Some things on this earth are literally universally likeable. For instance, if you meet someone who claims not to like Beyonce, do not trust them because they’re either lying, povo, or God forbid…a hipster. Gross.
Moving on. The other symptom of basic bitch-itis that you need to watch out for is a false sense of confidence and thinking you’re better than everyone else for no good reason other than the fact that you wear designer brands. If you choose your friends based on wardrobe and their parents’ income, you’ve just automatically sent yourself straight to basic bitch status—do not pass go, do not collect $200. AKA if you’re the type of person who writes into “Dear Betch” and spends the first two paragraphs bragging about all the Gucci bags your dad buys you instead of getting to the actual point, you’re definitely a basic bitch and you need to realize that no one gaf that you’re superficial as hell.
Also, it has to be said that the fastest way to know you're dealing with a basic bitch is if they frequently call out others for their basicness. There is literally no quicker way to say “I'm basic” than by using the #1 meaningless insult of the moment. Unless you are basically too stupid to come up with more creative things to dislike about people.
So betches, remember there is nothing wrong with being a little bit basic because that basic betch lives inside each and every one of us. I mean, if I want to order a vodka soda every single time a guy buys me a drink at the bar that's what I'm going to fucking do. Relax. But if your daily conversations with your besties sound like they’re ripped straight from a “Shit white girls like” listicle, it might be time to get a life and actually branch out for the sake of not being absurdly boring and predictable. That is, unless you want to get Sex and the City box sets and Hermes bracelets for every birthday for the rest of your life, in which case stay basic, San Diego.