The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 8

Last night on The Bachelorette we got to see four hometown dates, one attempt at Bachelorette sensitivity, and about 4,500,000 siblings of the remaining contestants. During that time we witnessed the guys’ very different families. We learned that Chris is actually a farmer and was not in fact joking, Marcus has some Eastern European blood in him, all Josh cares about is like, baseball and his mom, and Nick has yet to kill his entire 100 person family.

date with nick

Nick takes Andi to his favorite place in Milwaukee, the grocery store. He sounds #thrilling.

Then they visit the Wisconsin beer brewery where Nick has a surprise: NICK AND ANDI, THE PERFECTLY SOCIOPATHIC BREW

Nick’s family is like 19 kids and counting. I’d be scared he was going to impregnate me to death and take away my birth control.

Nick’s sister: Do you think you can be YOU unapologetically? Like would she let you cut her up into a bunch of small pieces and refrigerator her like your other girlfriends?

Nick’s 9 year old sister Bella has a lot of questions for Andi like: What do you like best about my brother? What’s your favorite color? Could you buy me some beer?

Andi then proves she’s great with children by explaining to his little sister what the word emotion means. She’s nine Andi, not a robot. Andi then explains the different types of connections to Bella. She forgot the type of connection that makes you just want to fuck.

date with chris

Andi seems shocked that Chris actually lives on this farm like she didn’t believe him or something before “This is actually your lawn? THAT’S CRAZY. You drive this!?!? SHUT UP. SHUT UP!!!!”

Okay so Chris seems like the greatest catch in Iowa.

Omg Chris’ hometown legit has as many people as my middle school.

How did Chris even get the Internet access necessary to apply to be on this show?

Don’t be that impressed by the house, Andi. It probably costs like 3 cows to buy a house in Iowa.

Who’s been running the farm while Chris is away? Charlotte and Wilbur?

Half the town is in Chris’ family.

Who wants to be the one to alert the family that Chris the farmer is dating a Jew?

Andi: What would I do for work here?
Chis: You could like, make me dinner.

Andi: I’m totally not a big city girl like my family has a lake house in Alabama and it’s in the middle of nowhere. Like, we don’t even have Showtime in every room.

Aww that helicopter thing was really cute plus he was the secret admirer too. Sadly he’s still not going to win because he is still a farmer and I doubt Andi has 1930’s Dustbowl fantasies.

Chris’ mom: There’s no limit for a woman on a farm these days. She can churn butter, she can send a telegram. She can have it all!

Chris’ family’s big fun secret is that they’re fully grown adults that like to play hide and seek.

date with josh

Andi is totally tuning out Josh’s long ass boring baseball stories. Her main concern is that Aaron takes away her spotlight.

Andi weighs her love for Josh versus not wanting to go to any of Aaron’s boring ass sports games. Her main concern seem to be if they’ll be able to reconcile their Sunday schedules. But seriously, Josh needs to talk about something other than sports.

date with marcus

I’m not sure this date is hometown material. You really shouldn’t be taking your future wife to a strip club immediately before she meets your mail-order-mom-bride. On the other hand, it’s good to know Marcus is introducing Andi to his hometown hobbies.

Marcus’ mom: Marcus usually does not open up. Especially not with me given that I’ve beaten the shit out of him.

Marcus’s Mom: What is special about Marcus?
Andi: OMG no clue.

Marcus: I feel like Andi and I met for a reason. – Yes, and that reason is because you applied to be on The Bachelorette.

eric hill thing

Why is Chris Harrison’s house the meeting spot for this event?

Why is Chris wearing another fucking scarf WHAT IS GOING ON IS THIS AN INSIDE JOKE!?

Chris Harrison: As soon as we found out, I wanted all you guys to know as fast as we could get a camera crew in here to film your reactions.

This is like a lot of pressure to feel emotions on national television. This awkward silent panning to everyone’s sad face is strange. Marcus storms out upon hearing the news.

Andi: This is shocking. There’s so much more to life. People have lives here! – So happy you’re just realizing this now.

Who’s the one production guy that had to sit there rolling the camera while the rest of production gave the contestants hugs?

Andi then runs out of the room crying during the rose ceremony and the entire expression on Josh’s face looks like he needs her to hurry it up so he can get home and watch the draft.

Rose Ceremony

Poor Marcus is dunzo.

Andi: There’s a part of me that knows you could give me the world. – You don’t break up with someone and make them feel better by telling them how much you know they could do for you.

Marcus: I don’t know what to do right now because you were everything for me. – Um just do exactly whatever you were doing like, 8 weeks ago.


More amazing sh*t

Best from Shop Betches