The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5

This week on the Bachelorette we watched a bunch of grown ups turn into little bitches. As annoying as it was to watch twelve grown men have fights so petty it seemed like an episode of the Real Househusbands of Bumblefuck America, I was sort of greatful that at least some drama was being created in the midst of this boring as fuck season.

Anyway, this week we headed to the South of France. I guess that’s what happens when you save some budget money by going to Connecticut. JJ gets to read the date card in French and in turn we got to witness the worst French accent since Phoebe tried to teach Joey how to speak it in Friends.


Chris Harrison: We’re sitting in a cafe in the south of France and you’re in love with 6 guys. Isn’t it great how this show makes it okay to be kinda whorey? Are you falling in love?

Date with Josh

Josh: The Super Bowl would be like your wedding day and everything, but this is a huge playoff game today. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST CALL IT A FIRST DATE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?

Josh: There were only 50 rounds in the draft and I was like 48th pick so I was like pretty shitty which explains why I’ve resorted to dating you here on this reality show.

The mic guy needs to up his shit on this boat I can’t hear anything.

“It’s hard because Josh and I have never had a really deep conversation.” – Oh maybe that’s because you’ve only BEEN ON ONE DATE.

Is Juan Pablo the athlete Andi is referring to who cheated on her because only someone on the Bachelor would totally think that being a part of the show where the guy is supposed to fuck multiple girls means he’s cheating on them.

Josh: I thought I was dreaming. A private concert!? There’s no way.  – OMG JOSH HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE THIS HAPPENS EVERY OTHER EPISODE.

Josh tells a bullshit story about how he hasn’t dated someone in 5 years. I’m sure.

Josh: You judged me because I play sports and wear thongs on Friday nights.

After Andi tells Josh about how she was paranoid about getting cheated on by athletes, Josh goes on to tell a story about how his ex-girlfriend’s friends thought he was cheating because he was an athlete. And then HE was the one that got cheated on. How fitting considering Andi is currently ‘cheating’ on Josh with about 9 other guys. Is it weird that I still have no idea what sport he plays?

Wasn’t this dude doing live concerts last season or was that just a different guy singing slow melodramatic love songs about finding love?

Group Date

These fucking idiots think there’s invisible ink on the blank card. I was thinking it was more likely the intern smoked a little too much weed/couldn’t speak English.

JJ: After Ron got his rose Andrew told me ‘She gave it to the two blackies.’ It could’ve been ‘black guys’ but I wasn’t that drunk. ‘ WHO THE FUCK WOULD SAY BLACKIES!!? 

Is ABC really addressing racism? They’re ones to talk.

This miming thing is Andi’s attempt to get these guys to shut the fuck up for a couple of hours.

Andi on JJ: I like his attitude especially on group dates…because group dates are reflective of real life

Nick’s upset because he had a really bad mime experience in the past.

Cody: I’ve got my mime on my money and my money on my mime.  – Pun quota maxed out.

The farmer looks legit as a mime.

Cody, telling on Nick to Andi like she’s a lunch aid chaperoning playground time: You don’t make fun of someone for being thankful. – Chill Cody, it’s not like he made fun of you for not having a leg. Grow a pair. Andi is like, there’s no way I’m letting your stupid fight take away from everyone’s attention on me.

Cody: You’re a mean boy Nick, you’re a bitch!

Andi then confronts Nick about his bullying problem and he responds by reading her his very sad, handwritten note about how all the things he likes about her in order to steer the conversation away from his saltiness.

Andi to Nick:  What am I gonna do with you causing a ruckus in my mind? – I haven’t heard anyone talk like that since my Jamaican nanny used to yell at us for being loud.

Let’s all take a quick look at Nick V.’s Bachelor bio before we conclude that he’s husband material: 

Marquel then confronts Andrew about his racist comments and Andrew chooses the ‘deny till you die method’ but for all it’s worth he might as well have said this:

Andrew: I said where are my blankies, not she chose the two blackies. 

Andrew seems like the kind of guy you would find watching you while you sleep. He shouldn’t be let go because he’s racist he should be let go because he’s fucking annoying.

Date with Brian

Brian looks like he hasn’t slept since Connecticut.

“Here we are, in France, at a market. I feel like I’m in a movie.” OR A FRENCH CITIZEN, IDIOT.

“I couldn’t ask for a better date with a better girl and a better movie.”…Brian, the movie was about an interracial romance and food in France starring Helen Mirren. I can’t wait till Brian gets home and gets tortured by his fellow high school sports coaches for this line.

Things Brian doesn’t like: making the first move, having to cook for women, street uni.

Andi: There’s a recipe for great food and there’s a recipe for great love and I’m trying to figure it out.  – Low point of the season has officially been reached.

For Brian’s date Andi makes him eat her shitty food. I’m so bored just watching this shit and then on top of that he keeps pecking at her with kisses.

Andi’s just not in the mood to reject Brian so she gives him a rose.

Rose Ceremony

Andi to Chris Harrison: These guys have been such pussies this episode that I oughta cancel their spring fling cocktail party.

“Alright boys it’s 4th quarter lets leave it all on the playing field.”…what sport are they even referring to?

Andi then gets rid of Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel. Anyone else have no idea who the fuck Patrick was when he got sent home?

If you recall from episode one, Patrick and Andrew were besties/potential fuck buddies with Andrew claiming that they were ‘on a different level than some of the other guys.’ So my theory is that Andi just saw them making out in the closet, making this an easy one for her. 

Patrick: I have heard from people, not just girls, but also my mom, that I am awesome.

Awk that they sent the black guy home on the racist episode.

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