The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Men Tell All

Last night The Bachelorette decided to mix up the Men Tell All Special by adding a sonogram, some bro drama, a shit ton of scarves, and countless Bachelor in Paradise promotions. We learned that Andrew may or may not be a racist, JJ is embracing his Bill Nye persona with his signature bow tie, and the sad middle-aged housewives in the studio audience have managed to reach psycho groupie status.

ashley and JP

Chris Harrison: We are about to do a live ultrasound to figure out if this baby will be as big of a sell out as its parents.

I can’t believe Ashley and JP are such sell-outs with this on camera sonogram to determine the baby’s sex? Like, how much did they have to be paid to exploit their baby in utero? How much for a live filming of JP’s colonoscopy? It…Is…A …Turd…

They’re moving to Miami because they’re cold and want to go to Liv. Chris Harrison misses no opportunity to poke fun at Juan Pablo “because I heard you guys were moving to Miami to be closer to Juan Pablo.”

Isn’t there some sort of HIPPA law against exploiting your baby before it’s born?

OMG did they like tear her dress open for this?? ABC better replace that. I can’t believe I’m wasting my Monday night looking at a fetus ear from a Bachelor season that aired three years ago.

America literally cannot hide from Ashley and JP’s relationship. Who is this OBGYN? Nothing like a bachelor appearance to boost appointments.

bachelor in paradise

This looks like Survivor with nicer beds. Actually it looks like a shit show/orgy/spring break.

Chris Bukowski is always first in line to make a Bachelor appearance. Get a real job, man.

Bachelor in Paradise premise “if you fall in love you get to say.” What a great way to make sure everyone is dating for the right reasons.

the guys

Omg they’re all wearing scarves at first I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. “This was easily the scarviest season we’ve ever had.”

That awkward moment when Andrew wants to say something nice about Marquel but calls him Ron because he thinks all black people look the same.

Giving Marquel this spotlight is totally how ABC apologizes for never having a black bachelor. He’s literally doing everything to avoid saying that he wasn’t chosen because he’s black.

No one is going to get to the bottom of this whole ‘blackies’ situation, let’s move the fuck on.

Why are all the guys wearing red pants? Whys the Pantsapreneur crying? JJ looks like a distraught puppy with this weird post-commercial apology.

Marcus looks like he gained some weight post Andi breaking his heart. I’m surprised he’s not wearing sweatpants.

How many sentences can Chris Harrison end with ‘in paradise’? “Marquel do you think you could find love…in paradise? Marcus do you think you could find love in Paradise? #shamelessplug

Chris Harrison: How do you find love in small-town Iowa?
Chris: At night the sheep keep me warm.

This Canadian from the studio audience thing is so scripted and Chris is so awkward. She’s so weird can she GTFO with this speed date. Chris the farmer is thinking like “Chris Harrison can you not volunteer me as a human dating sacrifice to this fucking Bachelor groupie.”

OMG she came here alone so fucking creepy.
Chris Harrison to Petra: Thanks for coming, get the fuck off my couch.

Nick S. no one knows who the fuck you are including Andi stop with the yelling at her about the guard being up.

OMG Chris B. sit the fuck down you’re just a plug for Bachelor in Paradise.

“Do you like it when Andi says ‘stahppp,’” Bachelorette is so self-aware these days.

These guys are such idiots telling her to trust Josh…you know FOR A FACT that he lied.

Dylan prefers blondes and isn’t ready for marriage. Andi prefers brunettes and isn’t ready to deal with Dylan’s sad, sad life story.

Hahaha Marcus said he has slept with fewer than 20 women. That is a lie. Who the fuck are you, Chris Harrison, because you’re starting to sound a lot like Maury Povich. 

Those bloopers sucked dick.



More amazing sh*t

Best from Shop Betches