The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5

For a show in which each episode starts off with “and now another dramatic episode of the Bachelorette,” it is apparently not dramatic enough because they have to end each episode with a fucking “to be continued.” Come on Chris Harrison, you can’t give us a huge cliffhanger each episode like “will she or won’t she slap him!?” or “will she or won’t she finish that glass of wine!?” when you show us scenes for next week. GOD CHRIS YOU ARE SO STUPID.

Last night began with Nick entering a room full of dudes sitting on one little lady couch.


Producers: Ben sit on Shawn’s lap.
JJ: He can sit on mine if he wants

When Nick sat down they had a real serious convo about Nick’s intentions.

Guys: Why are you here?
Nick: I’m not here for the drama and I’m not here to create a scene. I’m here to find out more about Kaitlyn so I can murder her and her entire family.
Tanner: That’s all fine and all but are you really here for your 16th minute of fame?
Nick: No I haven’t done anything since the last season. TBH, I’ve gone back to my normal life selling software and stalking whoever the current bachelorette of the season is hoping to date them and then hunting them down in hopes that they will allow me on their season or talk about the fact that we fucked on national television. 

Tanner then goes crazy with the third degree. Why are you the master researcher of all bachelor tabloids.

Nick: I sell software, it fucking sucks so I’m obviously here

Wait, Ben H. sells software too. Male software salesmen are the female dental hygienists of the Bachelor franchise.

Then Nick makes the fatal mistake of calling Kaitlyn “a cool chick”


Last Week’s Rose Ceremony

Not only will the bachelors have to endure another heartbreaking rose ceremony in the freezing cold, but they’re also going to be additionally tortured by being forced to watch a Met game.

Joshua is really upset at this Rose Ceremony / baseball cocktail hour. “Kaitlyn pulled me aside for three minutes and we talked about dick” – I know he said Nick but it took me a few minutes.

But Joshua actually looks like he’s going to kill Kaitlyn with his chainsaw…

In order to flirt with Kaitlyn, JJ decides to pick her up and run her around all the bases. He doesn’t drop her but then has a hernia off camera. JJ is so dreamy.

Shawn is really upset about the Nick situ also and is now referring to Nick as “he who must not be named.”

Dear Justin’s pimple,
You are so fucking big and so close to your nose. Please be popped.
Everyone who has eyes 

The black guy (the last one left) who got sent home: “I wouldn’t leave my child if I didn’t think this would work.”

Date with Ben H

The Bachelor, bringing you to magical places like…San Antonio. WTF happened to Europe ABC? Budget cuts for the Bachelorette apparently.

Whatevs, now they can say things like, “I always dreamed of falling in love at the Hilton Garden Inn, San Antonio Texas”

I’m really happy Ben H. got this one on one because now we can all stare at him and smile.

Kaitlyn’s make up is so bad. Her eyelids are either entirely blue or completely sparkly. Sometimes both. Does she get her makeup done at Make Believe or like, Mac?

Kaitlyn: This is a big day for me and Ben H. I hope I have really good chemistry with Ben H. tonight. – Maybe if you’ll have even better chemistry if you stop referring to him as Ben H.

Can that old two-step lady please be the next Bachelorette? Like please?

Kaitlyn: It’s some authentic American true honkey tonk square dancing. – STFU Kaitlyn you’re not even American.

This dance date is like that scene in Grease where they have the high school gym dance-off only this time it’s with way more racist white people.

So Kaitlyn is 29 and Ben H is 26. There is no way he’s marrying her.

Kaitlyn: Will you accept this rose?
Ben: Yes, thanks mom.


Kaitlyn loves culturally insensitive dates. First sumo wrestling, now writing Mexican Mariachi songs.

This date is like legal torture. Making them wear ridiculous sombreros and singing dumb ass songs. It’s like either really funny or a huge insult to Mexican culture. Probs both. 

Ian relax its just a fucking mariachi dance. After fucking up his performance he seems like he’s going to bang his head against the adobe wall.

Nick, screaming at Kaitlyn as this Mariachi singer looks too much like like he’s Johnny Knoxville in the Ringer.

Joshua feels like if he’s not gonna get the final rose he might as well get a haircut out of this show. He, however, doesn’t know that Kaitlyn is a dance instructor not a hairdresser.

Obvi Kaitlyn fucks up his hair. “Oops, should I leave a note?”

Joshua why are you still so upset about Nick? Did he fuck your mom or something?

After hearing an earful from Joshua Kaitlyn then sits them down and confronts the guys…


Kaitlyn: Who here has been personally victimized by Joshua?

Joshua is painfully thrown under the bus, will probably go home, and is also missing half his hair. His life sucks.

Wow she gives the date rose to Nick wow. What a nice fuck you to Andi.

Date with Shawn

Shawn is only a personal trainer? Why is everyone on this show like a blue-collar hillbilly?

This Shawn date is mad boring. But Shawn is really hot from really far away.

Then they get in the kayak in the dirty water.
Kaitlyn: Ahhhh this is so fun.

Kaitlyn, what kind of reaction was that to Shawn’s big car accident-lucky-to-be-alive story? She just smiled and said wow repeatedly, then realized she was smiling and started to fake frown. “Ooooh that’s horrible.” That’s like when someone tells you your biggest Frenemy just got brutally broken up with.

Shawn: I was in a car accident and I survived and now I’m ready to fall in love.
Kailtyn: Yeah totes.

Shawn decides to tell her that he’s falling in love with her on their first date. A huge TOO SOON BRO is heard around the world.

Kaitlyn responds with, “I feel the same way,” breaking even more rules. Such a Bachelorette renegade.

After she gives him the rose they go on yet another thrilling kayak ride. This time together. A boat ride with a Gosling doppelganger? Is it also going to start pouring rain so they have to run on the dock and start yelling at eachother? IT WASN’T OVER, IT STILL ISN’T OVER …with Nick .

“Shawn is the first guy I really want to wash my hair for.”  – Kaitlyn

Cocktail Hour / Rose Ceremony

While all the guys are at the cocktail party, Kaitlyn takes Jared up to his room. Ugh, he looks like a crystal meth dealer, or like an Olive Garden manager. Oh wait.

Jared also has a serious case of PHS… Pubic Hair Syndrome.

Jared: I want you to know that there’s always place for you in my heart and at a table at the TGI Fridays that I manage.

Ian does a 180* and shows his asshole side. “I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life. I have charisma, brains, looks, and a slight case of megalomania.”

“Kaitlyn can’t handle the truth. She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.” That was way harsh, Ian.

Ian, must you compare your proclamation that she’s too dumb for you with the Alamo.

“And I meet chicks and I have a lot of sex and I have a good time in my own life.” – Ian, if you have to say it, it ain’t so. 

Ian calls Kaitlyn shallow and says she’s the girl who wants to be plowed by Chris Soules… Kaitlyn looks at him and is like…


TBH she prob isn’t the deepest girl in the world. But then again she’s on the Bachelorette and SO ARE YOU IAN. Like, you’re competing against a welder.

Clearly he (Ian, the Princeton grad) came on the Bachelorette because he thought they would be having conversations about ISIS and the state of the US economy. He’s probably one of the guys that voted for Britt the waitress. 


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