This week’s episode of the Bachelorette featured Kaitlyn saying ‘about’ and ‘boat’ the exact same way, some predictably cheesy group dates, and no less than three washed up former Bachelor contestants. Kaitlyn proved that she has terrible taste in men, can’t rap for shit, and appears to be in desperate need of a Clean & Clear oil-absorbing pad.
Actual conversation between Kaitlyn and Clint:
Kaitlyn: I really, really, really liked you.
Clint: Okay, so what?
Clint actually looks like a Disney villain right now. Kind of like Prince Charming if he were in finance and was secretly having gay sex with his sidekick.
Kaitlyn doesn’t realize that announcing that Clint is kicked out is Chris Harrison’s job and she doesn’t have to be the one to actually kick him out.
JJ then totally throws his boyfriend under the bus.
JJ: I think you should say sorry to all of us right now because there’s an emotional energy to be taken away and you should apologize. – Not only does that not make any fucking sense, but it was also unnecessarily aggressive towards his bestie.
Clint is both heartbroken and an extremely close talker. JJ IS A BACK STABBING BITCH. I hope they reunite and hook up on the Bachelor in Paradise. There is so much sexual tension between them they need to make out immediately.
JJ: I thought we were bros. You have no idea how hard this is for me man. You were my first blowjob.
Clint: Get the fuck out of my face. I told you things I haven’t told anyone in a long time. We jerked each other off in the shower.
This looked like it was going to be one of those Brokeback Mountain wrestling matches that slowly but surely concludes with anal sex.
JJ then locks himself in the bathroom to cry and masturbate to Clint’s photograph. “I wish I knew how to quit you.”
Clint to JJ: Hey that tie looks really good with your shirt. – This is possibly the best last line of any argument of 2015.
After kicking Clint out, Kaitlyn decides that the rest of the men get to stay.
Kaitlyn: No one’s gonna go home. Not even JJ who probably fucked a guy last night.
Then Chris Harrison comes in to deliver the fantastic news that they’re headed to New York City.
Chris Harrison: You’ll be leaving this mansion forever or until you get cast for Bachelor in Paradise.
One of the men remarks that there’s no greater place to fall in love than New York City. Someone clearly has not been harassed and/or serenaded by a urinating beggar in the subway yet.
Rap Battle Group Date
I really hate these dumb ass group dates.
Doug E. Fresh? Oh Kaitlyn of course you love rapping. Just comedy shows and rap wars and boxing matches. She is the definition of fake cool girl. Instead of bringing out Eminem circa 8 Mile she brings out some random rapper that everyone pretends to know.
The men then take epic blows at each other via rap battle. “Justin’s haircut would look good in 1994.” Wow, this date would be cool in 1994.
JJ is the kind of former investment banker that doesn’t listen to rap and instead has season box tickets to Cats every year on Broadway.
Ben Z. to Tanner: I’m gonna knock you out like a first date. – Wow wow wow Ben Z is that how you treat girls on the first date? Not shocked.
How does anyone watching this rap battle get any of these disses if they haven’t seen the season?
If Marshall Mathers were here he’d shoot up this place, this is terrible.
JJ then raps about NYC hoes. – Honestly, I wouldn’t expect anything less from him.
So then creepy Nick V. shows up with Ashley I. Like, why was Ashley I. there? There’s nothing natural about that like what, she had nothing to do so she came to a random Bachelor rap battle?
Shawn’s so upset he said Nick’s name like he made out with him or something. Kaitlyn is naturally excited and falling in love so she leaves her date with like 10 guys to make out with a stranger/potential serial killer.
Kaitlyn: Nick and I became lovers after he tweeted that my ass was great and he liked how I carried myself.
Nick: The idea that you could potentially be engaged without me having had the chance to chop you up and put you in my freezer really bugged me, ya know?
Kaitlyn: Nick and I always had really great connection. – He favorited like, 2 of her tweets.
Justin gets the date rose because he told Kaitlyn it was okay to go to third base with Nick.
Kaitlyn and Nick
Kaitlyn is at a cross roads. Should she let Nick V. stay? Should she send him home in fairness to the other guys? Should she wash her face? All questions for which no one fucking cares about the answers.
For some reason Ashley S. is like a hairdresser so Kaitlyn visits her at the salon. Is she going to burn her hair off? Does she work at hair salon or is she just, chilling there? Okay she got her hair done and now her hair is in a braid. I guess Ashley’s not that amazing.
Side note: This is the most Ashley has ever spoken about things not related to zombies I can’t wait to watch her on Bachelor in Paradise.
This casual meet up with Nick involves the longest conversation ever. Just tell him he can stay so the two of you can make out in front of this public playground in Alphabet City, aka the least romantic place in Manhattan.
Date with Jared
Can Jared go home I’m over him he walks like he has to fart all the time.
She and Jared go together like lamb and tuna fish, or class and Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn: It’s really hard to listen to Jared read off today’s Red Lobster specials when I can’t stop thinking about Nick.
WHY DIDN’T YOU BRING YOUR FLARE JARED? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE 12 PIECES OF FLARE!
Kaitlyn then says how great Jared is and what a great life partner he’d be. Agreed Kaitlyn, Jared is somebody that I would want to be my senior waiter at The Olive Garden too.
Like Nick V., Jared also looks like a serial killer. Kaitlyn must have a type.
“I like you Kaitlyn. I like you a lot.” Only Kaitlyn has an orgasm from someone quoting fucking Dumb and Dumber.
“THATS THE NIGHT I FELL IN LOVE WITH KAITLYN” VOM VOM VOM ALL OVER YOUR SQUINTY EYES JARED.
Broadway Group Date
Ryan looks like the love child of Stefan Salvatore from Vampire Diaries and Carson Daly.
Kaitlyn: I’m obsessed with Aladdin and coincidentally so is ABC’s ad department.
The Kentucky guy is trying to sniff out the gays in this theater so he can call his mom and tell her he went to the Big Apple and saw a real live gay person.
Chris Cupcake is like, a flaming homosexual I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to notice.
Chris won? Of course he did. The director definitely wanted to fuck him. If I had to make a cameo on Broadway I would probably smoke a serious blunt in that dressing room.
Imagine that Chris is your actual dentist. Then rewatch this scene.
Chris: This is something she’s been waiting for her entire life. – She’s been waiting to stand awkwardly in the middle of Aladdin on Broadway for her entire life?
Kaitlyn and Chris walk on stage and then walk off immediately. “Chris and I will never forget this.”
Chris: You were perfect. – She literally did not say one thing.
Okay if I paid to see Aladdin would not be happy when I see these fucking idiots on stage.
Chris: Aladdin is the epic tale of a street rat that falls in love with a princess and I am that street rat. – Huh? You’re a dentist. You literally did nothing but stood there and smiled way too hard. Aladdin on Broadway must be the Special Olympics of musical theatre.