Last night it was revealed that the Canadian dance instructor Kaitlyn was chosen to be the next Bachelorette over the Hollywood waitress Britt. Moral of the story, men don’t give a shit about your career. But really, last night was mildly amusing. Britt cried, Kaitlyn made an awkward speech, and we found out it’s possible to have sexual chemistry with a dentist. Let’s take a look at the losers, the winners, and the weirdos.
Could you have broken the news to Britt any slower, Chris Harrison? That was the biggest buildup. “The men have chosen.” I feel like they said the same thing before Ned Stark was beheaded. It was so melodramatic that I really did think he was going to pull a ‘PSYCHHHHHH” situation.
Britt’s like “can I get some numbers or like a few free tampons from the bathroom before I leave?”
Ugh Brit’s life sucks, she’s now been dumped TWICE on television. Not only does Chris reject her but a random pool of men also reject her. ABC better be paying for her therapy bills.
Kaitlyn’s like YES THAT SMELLY BITCH IS GONE though her excited face looks like she’s just been in the electric chair.
“You should be excited” Chris murmurs to Kaitlyn as he informs her that she’s the next Bachelorette as if he’s about to murder her dog. “One of your first jobs as bachelorette is sending these guys home. Your next job is to take out your nose ring.”
Kaitlyn: MOM OMG I’M THE BACHELORETTE!! TELL DAD I’M PROB GONNA HAVE ORAL SEX WITH AT LEAST 5 DUDES!
Kaitlyn walks in and the men cheer. She makes a speech that reminds me of Taylor Vaughn’s speech from She’s All That. “And to those of you that didn’t vote for me….::mic gets cut off::”
Kaitlyn: Joshua welded this rose out of steel and
that’s super hot I think he should get a real job.
Rest of the dudes that voted for Britt: “I voted for Britt so now I have like 20 minutes to pretend that I could also poss fuck Kaitlyn. Shit.”
Why is JJ a FORMER investment banker? I feel like it’s prob some Wolf of Wall Street post indictment shit. I mean from what I know, they don’t give extended work leave for the Goldman Sachs bros to find love on the Bachelor.
“JJ is different, different yet familiar.” – deep thoughts by Kaitlyn.
JJ: This rose means a step towards getting a stepmom for my daughter. – Said the worst father ever.
First kiss goes to the dentist who has used his halitosis medication and an ample dose of Novocaine to make sure she remembers this one. I guess Chris Soules made the first impression make out a thing.
Fake Ryan Gosling Shawn is starting to sound like Ryan Gosling too.
Unfortunately for the bros that voted for Kaitlyn, roses work like being a bridesmaid for the dud of your bestie group. Just because she picked you doesn’t mean there’s a shot in hell you’re picking them.
Brady’s like, shit how am I gonna write songs about this hoe? Now I gotta leave. He decides he loves Britt and wants to go find her. Hopefully Chris Harrison gave him the number for her trailer park.
Brady: I think my heart is with the girl who left. I wish you the best.
Kaitlyn: K whatevs.
“I want to tell Kaitlyn that I voted for Britt” Good idea you MORON
Jonathan, what the fuck is an automotive spokesperson? Does this mean you do the voices for my navigation system?
Just noticed hot personal trainer Ben has a slight lazy eye it’s totes going to bother me.
Is it nerve wracking bachelor people? IS IT!? Because it’s not like that’s all anyone has said for the past 2 hours.
The stripper is so pissed he didn’t get a rose probably because that means he has to like, go back to law school.
Again it’s light out when these people finally leave the mansion. How long do they keep these guys in here without food water or Adderall?
Oh Ian shut up you’re not going home. You have a good story and it’s not going to be wasted on the first episode. HAVE YOU HEARD MY STORY!!?
“And now dramatic highlights form this season of the bachelorette”
Nick is coming back? ABC pimped him out because they wouldn’t put him on Bachelor in Paradise? Is he here to find love with Kaitlyn or because girls with tattoos and nose rings are just more wild in bed when you’re gagging and binding them? Also, who will be the surprise guy that Kaitlyn fucks and immediately regrets?
Meanwhile, Britt is still fucking crying. She’s like the Kyle Richards of The Bachelor franchise.