Last night’s Bachelorette finale was about as suspenseful as a colonoscopy. You didn’t even have to see Kaitlyn’s leaked snapchat with the winner to know who she picked. Why? Because Nick and Kaitlyn spoke at each other and with the most vague sentences and declarations that a person could possibly make. Nick could have been telling a wall that he really enjoyed its family and I would have been more conviced. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and Shawn interacted as humans do. They spoke to each other and Kaitlyn seemed to like grooming Shawn’s leg hair.
Nick: I absolutely see Kaitlyn as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with…ish.
Kaitlyn has a sit down with her family before they meet her two
contestants boyfriends. Her family seems to be SHOCKED at the fact that Kaitlyn might’ve fucked up sexually.
Kaitlyn: I sort of messed up…
Kaitlyn’s sister: You fucked one of them didn’t you.
Nick Meets the Family
Nick: I’m so excited to meet them
Kaitlyn: Yeah, I filled them in on some stuff like the fact that you were inside me.
Apparently Nick’s mom and sister are Bachelor fan girls…
Sister: It’s THAT Nick!?!?
Kaitlyn’s mom sits down with Nick and immediately makes him cry.
Mom: You were possessive, you were jealous, you’re a mean girl Nick you’re a BITCH!!
Nick: No way, Nick loves Kaitlyn!
Then they have a really deep convo:
Mom: Can you explain what draws you to Kaitlyn?
Nick: Kaitlyn is hot as fuck.
Nick really dressed up for meeting the parents. Dirty Converse and stacked wooden Buddha bracelets. So retro.
Nick reminds her mom that he didn’t go on the Bachelorette to travel. Well good thing because the only places you got to go were Ireland and Utah.
When Kaitlyn walks Nick out, they start to makeout but in the creepiest way possible. CLOSE YOUR EYES BRO, she’s not giving you an vision test.
Shawn meets the Family
Kaitlyn apparently chooses a patriotic approach with her outfits. Red dress with Nick and blue with Shawn. The blue one was totes cute though.
Who did Kaitlyn’s sisters hair? Was she wearing a skunk?
Shawn comes to the date equipped with flowers and a jar of maraschino cherries. Standard.
He also brought her sister presents.
Kaitlyn’s sister upon receiving the gift: Yeah man free shit yo!
Shawn makes a cute speech during dinner. “It’s tough for me to explain how I feel about your daughter and sister.” — At first I was like, wait did he accidentally say he also has feelings for the sister. Then I realized how stupid that was but also like, he should’ve rephrased that.
Has anyone ever noticed that Kaitlyn’s bird tattoos also look like partially peeled bananas?
Kaitlyn’s mom is really nervous about confronting Shawn about her daughter and Nick’s love making.
Apparently Shawn made a really good impression with the fam.
Kaitlyn’s mom: He was matueeeerrrr with his answer
WAIT. Shawn is 28? He acts like he’s 37. Maybe it’s because all the 28 year olds I know act like they’re 17.
Date with Nick
Nick has a way with words. “I really enjoyed your family. I liked dem, I liked dem a lot”
Nick and Kaitlyn sit down to chat.
Kaitlyn: This is so weird!! This is going to be like, the last time I’m seeing you. LOL.
Nick: I got you a gift, it’s in my bedroom.
Kaitlyn: Is it your dick?
Nick’s gift is cute but also incredibly lame. He bought a frame at T.J. Maxx, put a picture of them together from a bar in Ireland and then wrote a sad handwritten note beside it.
“Your eyes. Wow. Energy. In Love. K Bye.”
Surprisingly, Kaitlyn barely cared that Nick put together a bunch of nonsensical words on a napkin 10 minutes before this date and put them in a frame for her to throw out later.
Kaitlyn: Awwww that’s cute I guess
Date with Shawn
TBH, Shawn and his 0% body fat are really turning me on.
Things you only hear on the Bachelor/ette: “I cant wait to start our life …tomorrow”
As they’re sitting on that bench outside, Kaitlyn apparently confuses Shawn for a Golden Retriever as she frantically pets Shawn’s leg hair.
Kaitlyn: What’s gonna happen when this is over?
Shawn: I’m going to watch the show and call you to say I can’t believe you’re making out with Joe right now.
Now Shawn also has a gift for Kaitlyn. Shawn’s gift is a jar of slightly less sad handwritten notes. Sooo basically Nick and Shawn just compiled memories in different formats. Also, Shawn is technically a klepto. Stole all that shit from each date. Here’s a golf ball I stole from the course. The caddies ran after me but no one can outrun Big Shawn.
Shawn walks out on the balcony to ponder life shirtless, while Nick walks out in a chambray.
Knock knock. Who is it? NEIL LANE!
Since when does Neil Lane do home delivery? And then Nick awkwardly hugs the man.
Honestly who cares which ring the guy likes? Neil should be picking this shit out with Kaitlyn.
Neil Lane to Nick: You know, I don’t really need the backstory. Most people just pick the ring and go.
Oooooo a night time engagement that’s new. But like, how cheap are they this season? This proposal is at the fucking pool. Couldn’t even splurge on a fancy pedestal or a decorative barn. Assholes.
Nick shows up first out of the limo and we all know it’s bad news for him!
Why do they keep whispering to each other hello, how are you? She really should be whispering, “I’m about to embarrass the shit out of you on national television again. Run.”
Oh my god she lets him go as far as taking out the ring before she says stop. That was way harsh Kait.
When she stops him, Nicks face goes from YAY to FUCK, NOT AGAIN.
Kaitlyn: I’m just in love with someone else.
Kaitlyn: But I am in love with you
Nick: If you were in love with me then we would be having a different conversation
::Drops the mic.::
Nick: You took things from me! — What, Your dignity?
Kaitlyn: I did love you but I loved someone else more.
Nick: ONCE AGAIN THIS IS INFORMATION THAT WOULD’VE BEEN USEFUL TO ME YESTERDAY
Kaitlyn just like, won’t let him leave after she shatters his heart into pieces. She didn’t get the memo that when someone hears the person he loves loves someone else the last thing they want to do is stand around and talk about it more.
Nick’s def going to have a complex after this.
Nick: I’m the worlds biggest joke. — Awww, yes you are
Totally forgot about Nick as soon as Shawn steps on and makes his proposal speech. It was like, way better. No offense.
LOL to Nick throwing his engagement ring and his Irish love ring across the limo. Neil Lane at home was prob like oh no he didn’t.
Kaitlyn: I’ve made some mistakes…
Shawn: UHH YEAH YA DID
True love is when the girl kisses the guy before she tries on the ring.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
I’M SURE the snapchat of Kaitlyn that Shawn sent out to his friends had a heart around it. He defs drew a dick near her mouth.
But also, why were you watching the Bachelor with your sister? Lame bro.
The makeup artists really went to town on Shawn’s face.
Kaitlyn and actually Nick look happy as fuck. Maybe because Shawn got a shady nose job? We’re actually a little torn at the Betches HQ about it. Was it a nose job or some serious contouring? Let us know in the comments.
Nick and Shawn sit down next to each other very awkwardly. Their legs facing eachother. Super strong body language – like a man heart.
Chris Harisson to Nick: Let’s take a look back at Kaitlyn breaking your heart into tiny pieces and them throwing them in the pool while you watch, even if the entire country just watched it 5 minutes ago.
Like, why didn’t they talk about Snapchat Gate. I WANNA HEAR ABOUT KAITLYN ILLEGALLY SENDING OUT THIS PIC!
As the show ends Kaitlyn and Shawn are like, lets awkwardly make out while Chris talks to the camera!!
Chris: So what’s next for you two?
Kaitlyn: We can’t wait to go to Starbucks.
Shawn: Yeah or like, Dunkin Donuts.
Kaitlyn: Umm scratch that, we’re over.
Side note: Bachelor in Paradise is two nights every week!???!? Do I not have a life ABC???