The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 8

This week on The Bachelorette the cast remained in Dublin because ABC gives 0 shits about this show since it’s not The Bachelor. Shawn just continuously keeps referring to Nick as ‘the other guy’ like that’s gonna change the fact that he fucked her, and we finally said goodbye to Red Lobster manager Jared and Southern hick Joe.  With only three contestants remaining, I cannot wait for this shit to be over so we can get on to the more entertaining/exploitative Bachelor In Paradise. It should also be noted that both Nick and Ben H. are software salesmen so like, I guess Kaitlyn is really looking for a discount on Microsoft Word.

Date with Ben

Ben H. looks like the hot guy from a vampire movie.

You’re not always just bubbly happy Kaitlyn?  So weird that you think you’re that girl when last week you faked your own death at an Irish funeral.

Kaitlyn: You seem like husband material. 
Ben: What’s husband material?
Kaitlyn: It’s knowing someone isn’t going to give up on me, it’s having a big dick.

Ben has a fear of being unlovable but like, I will love him.

Kaitlyn you can’t just tell everyone you’re falling in love with them. Stop trying to make falling in love with everyone happen.

Ben: When I shared that I was fearful that I was unlovable Kaitlyn was like ‘nah’ so I believe that Kaitlyn will support me.

Kaitlyn: When Ben said he can’t wait to just talk all night I was like, what a fucking prude. Anyone who doesn’t fuck on the second date is obviously a loser virgin!

Kaitlyn asks Ben if he’s a virgin. Ben says no and Kaitlyn laughs hysterically at him. Kaitlyn then demands to hear his virginity story because she doesn’t believe him.

3 on 1

It’s Kaitlyn’s dream – 3 guys one awkward picnic.

Kaitlyn: Shawn is trying to talk to me about serious shit and all I want to do is make shitty jokes and have him pretend to think they’re funny. It’s so annoying when people don’t get the hint that I am not deep at all and don’t want to talk about feelings besides how obsessed with me everyone is.

Nick: How do you feel about what happened the other night?
Kaitlyn: I’m a grown woman. No RAGRETS.

No joke I can totally see her getting that tattoo, it’s like only slightly more trashy than the ones she has.

Joe is really bringing his A-game to this one on one time.
Joe: Sup girl?  U in 2 me?

Kaitlyn then tries to get serious.

Kaitlyn: Are you worried that coming out of this we’d be engaged?
Joe: Ah that’s no big deal I’m engaged to my sister too.

Then this AMAZING exchange happens:

Joe: I could totally kiss you and be the happiest man in the world.
Joe: Did you hear what I said?
Kaitlyn: I’m just taking in what you’re saying

Ugh this breakup is taking forever. T-t-t-t-today Kaitlyn. Do you have to spell it out? Because Joe def can’t spell.

Kaitlyn: You mad, bro?
Joe: It’s cool. No problem. Not upset at all. Whatevs, fuck it.

It’s fine Joe, you’ll find another sister-cousin back in Kentucky.

Kaitlyn: Can you please talk to me?
Joe: I’m not saying shit to you right now. – OUCH

Kaitlyn: It’s so annoying when I have to break people’s hearts on national television and then they’re like, all pissed.

Kaitlyn to Nick and Shawn: Joe told me he was in love with me and I was like, why are you so obsessed with me. Sucks to suck.

Kaitlyn: Nick, our conversation today was great. Shawn, I need to see how big your dick is before handing out this rose. Please come with me.


I imagine Kaitlyn’s reasoning behind telling Shawn about having sex with Nick (besides the producers convincing her to, thanks Unreal) are the following: I feel compelled to tell Shawn that I had sex with Nick so that if he’s over it I don’t have to deal with breaking up with him and if he’s okay with it then I was ‘honest.’

I like the dramatic music that plays after Kaitlyn, says “We had sex.” If Kaitlyn is so funny, why didn’t she just pull this video up on YouTube instead of making this a whole dramatic thing?



Shawn goes to the bathroom to cry silently to himself. He then reemerges: “It’s alright, I need to hang in there if I can be the next Bachelor.”

The more anxious Shawn gets the more oily his skin looks.

Shawn is now trying to pretend that he wouldn’t accept the rose from Kaitlyn WHEN WE ALL KNOW YOU’RE OBSESSED WITH HER BRO.

Kaitlyn, calm down. You’re wearing too many sequins. You look like a Vegas waitress. 

Shawn then takes Kaitlyn aside when she gives him the rose to talk to her.

Shawn: I had a really tough time sleeping last night. Do you have any Ambien?

Shawn: Blah blah blah I don’t get why you said I was the one and fucked Nick blah blah blah.

Shawn is like a fucking broken record. It’s only a TV show, let’s move on!

Kaitlyn: Shawn will you stop being such a fucking pussy and accept this rose.
Shawn: Absolutely.

Kaitlyn then dumps Jared like four weeks too late and he takes it extraordinarily well. 

Kaitlyn: I don’t even know how to explain it because we shared great moments.
Jared: I understand. I’m the most mature person ever. Females watching this will think I’m psychologically normal. 

Kaitlyn starts crying immediately after this breakup because he’s the first person to not yell at her.

Date with Nick

So Nick tells Kaitlyn he went to church as a kid and idiot Kaitlyn obviously takes that to mean they have a spiritual relationship. I’m pretty sure the extent of Kaitlyn’s spirituality lies in her nose ring. I’m also confused as to why Nick is wearing a wedding band.

The best place to find out if you’re compatible long term is while drinking massive amount of Guinness in a bar in Ireland. 

Nick then tries to talk shit about Shawn in the least subtle way possible:

Nick: He Who Must Not Be nNmed bragged about being Eskimo brothers with famous country singers because they fucked the same girl in the same night. I’m not gonna name names but his name rhymes with lawn.
Kaitlyn: We’re just gonna brush that off? I don’t know who you were talking about.
Nick: It’s Shawn. Shawn is the worst.

Nick: Nick is just as cool as Shawn. Nick is just as popular as Shawn. We should totally just stab Shawn!

Kaitlyn: I can’t really judge Nick and Shawn for being petty little bitches.

Nick: It would be fun to come back here for an anniversary someday or like with Shawn and we make it a threesome.

Nick: I love being next to you. Love your scent, can’t wait to get it cooking in my oven after I cut you up and freeze you for 3 days.

Why did Kaitlyn have to tell Shawn she had sex with Nick if she was just gonna fuck him again like twelve hours later?

Shawn on the phone with the front desk even though the producers and/or cameramen could’ve easily given him this information: “Um, this is Shawn I’m looking for Nick Viall’s room.” – Next we see Shawn pranking Nick’s room by calling to ask if his refrigerator is running. Jokes, instead he just goes there to yell at him for having sex with their communal girlfriend.


Ugh enough with this Britt/Brady fake relationship.

“Brady and I are going to try the long distance thing.” ::Fake smile:: She says this like a wife lying to the cops about her husband beating the shit out of her when they come to the door.


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