The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read, Part 2: I Am Shooketh

If you didn’t read our Part 1 Bachelorette finale recap, stop what you’re doing and read it here!

Now that the Rose Ceremony we all knew the ending to is over, it’s time to finally get into the meat of this finale. Will she pick Bryan, or will she pick Peter? You think this will be like, your normal run-of-the-mill finale with a no-proposal fake-out wherein the person who wasn’t going to propose has a change of heart, but shit gets off the rails pretty fast. 

Date With Bryan

A hot air balloon. Of course. 

Bryan: I think it would be a mistake if you didn’t choose me.
Me: Wow I think the opposite but I guess that’s what makes this country of ours so great.

Okay the Spanish language book is actually kind of cute, but kissing Bryan literally looks like the seventh circle of hell to me. IDK if this assessment makes sense, but he just uses too much mouth. Wayyyy too much mouth. 

At this point, I’m still team Peter, but all of that is about to change…

Date With Peter

Peter and Rachel have this green camo thing going on. I’ve never seen a couple that matches better in my life. Their faces match. Their clothes match. Their stubborn unwillingness to compromise on matters of the heart match. It all matches.

Rachel has ditched the vampire look and is better for it. Maybe she’s feeling less murderous?

The two are literally at a church with a priest. Hmmm…seems like The Bachelorette producers are trying to tell Peter something, but…I can’t put my finger on what.

First clue that Peter is not on the up-and-up: He uses the phrase “feelings of love” too much and sounds like a fucking alien.

Spanish Priest They Paid To Tell Peter To Marry Rachel: It is very important to remember not to give importance to things that are not important.

Okay, so, the life that Peter describes living with Rachel sounds like an elderly gay couple’s dream. Wine night with painting? How old is Peter, actually? Y’all are in your thirties, you’re not fucking dead.

Peter: I need to figure out if I love you.
Rachel: Um yeah that would be great.

This is the moment where we all come to a stunning realization: Peter is fuckboy-ing Rachel. Rachel, our beautiful, sassy, attorney Rachel, is being fuckboy-ed on her own season of The Bachelorette

Rachel: One minute he tells me he wants to plan this future with me, and the next he says he can’t commit. I don’t know what’s going on.
Me: **eyes roll back in my head and images all the fuckboys I’ve known in my life flash before me** Oh no…

Peter and Rachel are matching for a second day in a row. How is this happening? I guess they both look good in green?

Peter: I’m still not ready.
Rachel: Then by the power vested in me as the First Black Bachelorette, I hereby banish you to fuckboy hell, to live out your days in a CrossFit gym Hades.

Me: Wait…did they just break up? Before the Rose Ceremony? What is happening? Does this mean Bryan wins? DOES BRYAN FUCKING WIN!?!?

Accurate representation of me realizing that Rachel and Peter legit just broke up before the final Rose Ceremony and that means Bryan is going to win: 

After The Final Rose With Peter

You know, after watching Lee literally turn inside-out with awkwardness while being called a racist in the Men Tell All, I thought there is simply no way The Bachelorette could make me any more uncomfortable. Then Peter and Rachel happened.

Rachel is so obviously furious that Peter didn’t just propose so she doesn’t have to be with Bryan. Her anger literally made my Chromecast overheat.

“I’m not angry.” — Rachel, literally seething with rage.

Rachel finally gets to the point: If you feel this way about marriage, you should not be on The fucking Bachelorette. She’s not wrong.

“I’m living my best life.” — Rachel, trying to choke down vomit while thinking about her future answering 100 phone calls a day from Bryan’s mom and paying for cheek maintenance with her lawyer’s salary.


Peter: I feel attacked.
Me: SAME. 

If we, the audience, got anything out of this interaction, it’s that the new power move is leaving your eyelashes behind at a fuckboy’s apartment as a reminder of who the damn boss is around here.

“I walked past your eyelashes on the floor for two days.” — Peter, a 31 year-old man who leaves nasty eye trash on the floor of his bedroom for days on end.

At this point I’m just like, this could go anywhere. Is Kevin Durant gonna show up and steal her at the last minute? I would not be surprised.

The Final Rose Ceremony

The Bachelorette Finale

They’re trying to make it seem like Rachel might not accept Bryan’s proposal, but we all know the truth: Rachel wants a ring so bad she’ll marry Alvin the chipmunk to get one. It’s her fatal flaw.

All of this craziness reminds me that Rachel was, at one point, in love with Nick Viall. Homegirl does not have the best judgment. You know, come to think of it, Rachel never seemed as into any of these dudes as she was into Nick, and Nick never really seemed to like Vanessa as much as he liked Rachel. WAS NICK VIALL THE ONE ALL ALONG?!? Once again: 

Bryan has no clue any of this was gonna happen. He literally has no idea that he already won, or that he didn’t really win because everyone knows who Rachel really wanted.

Of course, Rachel accepts Bryan’s proposal.

Rachel: Will you accept this rose?
Me: **deep, earth-shattering, sadness overtakes me and I take a long sip of wine to balance it out**

Well I hope you’re happy Rachel, you got your ring.

Rachel: I’m your what?
Bryan: Fiancée.
Rachel: Good. Now never speak to me again.

I can’t help but think: How is Bryan going to feel now that he’s seen the episode?!? She literally did everything but grab Peter by the face and scream, “I DON’T WANT TO MARRY BRYAN” until he agreed to propose.

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.

After The Final Rose With Bryan

If Bryan has any inclination that his new fiancée is literally still furious over losing Peter, he gives no indication.

I feel like that second proposal was his way of being like, “Wait, you still want to marry me after seeing Peter again, right?”

Bryan: **gets down on one knee**

Rachel: Oh sweet Jesus don’t make me have to do this shit again. 

“We’re not putting any pressure on it. We’re just trying to build a normal relationship.” — Bachelorette code for, “We will quietly breakup in about a year once we’ve secured all of our Fit Tea endorsements.”

Lol Rachel had better get used to talking to Bryan’s mom on the phone because I have a feeling she’s one of those “call every day with suggestions about how to be a better housewife” type of ladies.

Wow, you know, I honestly think the most worthwhile thing out of that entire three hours was getting to see sweet Dean again in the BiP preview. Honestly, if I wanted to feel this level of shock and deep national shame, I’d rewatch the poll returns from the 2016 election. If Dean wasn’t going to be in BiP, I’d boycott, but he is soooo….

See you guys in Paradise! 




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