Last night on The Bachelorette we got to witness the full extent of Jojo (excuse me, JOELLE) and her never-ending melodrama as she’s faced with the challenge of rejecting bros who just declared their desire to spend the rest of their lives with her. Of course, Jojo ends up crying way more than the guys she’s dumping. Honestly, I’ve dumped boyfriends in real life and cried less than that.
First she lets go of Luke because he didn’t expressly say I LOVE YOU, and he looks like he’s about to pass out from shock. I thought you knew it when I looked in your eyes! Sorry bro, that strategy might work on your 2am booty call, but this is The Bachelorette and if you don’t clearly state those 3 words, 8 letters, you are out of here faster than a Mexican under the Trump administration.
DATE WITH ROBBY
Wow, an authentic Thai massage in Thailand. Très authentic!
Robby: I’m not like those other guys! I want love so badly I even broke up with my girlfriend to come find it.
Robby is definitely the kind of guy who falls hard, gets obsessed, gets bored, and then goes on a reality dating show as a relationship exit strategy.
Robby: Jojo gives me the fantasy suite card, and now I don’t have to dream about Jojo, I get to lay next to her tonight and smell her morning breath tomorrow.
This is definitely the way this whole note-from-dad situation went down…
Robby: Hey dad can you write a note saying you know I love Jojo and stick it in my pocket so I can use it to my advantage?
Robby’s dad: How do you spell Jojo?
DATE WITH JORDAN
“Jojo makes me want to be a better person” – That’s good because you currently suck.
“It’s really hard to not kiss in a temple!!” – You can lay off him for one hour, relax.
Jojo wonders, “Is this guy too good to be true?” – NO. If this were the real world he would certainly never text you before 10pm.
Jojo: What does the next year look like for you?
Jordan: Well babe, it depends if you pick me and we cash in on endorsement deals together, or if you cut me loose and let me cash in on the endorsement deals on my own. Your move.
Jojo: I have to know how you feel…I mean…it’s not like we’re just dating and can figure it out as we go
Jordan: Yeah. mhmm.
Jojo: I want to trust him, but I’m scared that Aaron still won’t come to the wedding so what’s the point?
Jojo: How do you know you want to spend the rest of your life with me?
Jordan: Ugh, IDK. Leave me aloneeee.
This footage would be ideal for a He’s Just Not That Into You sequel.
Get it together, Little J. Jordan is more transparent than a vodka bottle.
“We’re eating our first breakfast together!” – Didn’t Robby use that line on you YESTERDAY, Jojo??
DATE WITH CHASE
What’s more romantic than playing tonsil hockey in a fish market?
Jojo: OMG look at that monkey it’s noticing us!
::Monkey runs in other direction::
Chase: We’re in this magical place…with monkeys and fisherman…and salt water and fish… – an actual quote
Chase: you’re 5 degrees of gorgeousness – another actual quote
Chase: Everything about Jojo is just so unstoppable – Relax, Chase. She’s a girl, not the new four wheel drive Lexus.
Chase: I want to know what love is, and I want to be that person for you
Jojo: ::kisses to avoid responding::
Chase: I’m in love with you
Jojo: Thank you for telling me that
Jojo: You are everything that I could have ever wanted except your eyes aren’t as nice as Robby’s and you don’t have a famous brother like Jordan
Jojo: I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do this! – pretty sure you meant to do EXACTLY this.
“I just threw myself out there and now I’m skewered! I’m shattered! So now love equals get the fuck out?” – Here we see that Chase is one who masks his sadness in anger and sarcasm.
Chase somehow manages to grab a beer on his way to the cab, is all of us.
Jojo: I sent Chase home. He was very angry and upset, and I feel terrible.
::producers push Chase down stairs for grand entrance::
::Chase walks in, takes Jojo aside::
Robby: What does that mean?
…The last two remaining, everybody. America’s finest.
Obviously this whole rose ceremony was concocted for Chase to show up and say nice things in case they need him to be the Bachelor next season. K bye.