The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 7

Hometown dates! YAS. One of our favorite episodes next to the dramatic two-on-one and fantasy suites when we get to place bets on who’s the loser who can’t get it up. Since every single one of these guys look exactly the same, all of their moms were pretty much identical too. Same haircut and all have slight alcohol problems. But it’s okay, whose mom doesn’t.

Chase’s Hometown

As Chase’s date begins you can hear Chris Harrison speaking, “This will be…the most…BORING date in Bachelor history.”

Chase: Welcome to MAHHH HOUSEE
JoJo: But where are the hand rails?

Is this like the first time Chase has seen his dad since he left? Like, is this supposed to be awkward because I feel awkward…

…a few mins later: Chase to his dad: DAD WHY DID YOU LEAVE MOM?! ::runs out of the room hysterically crying::

Later, Chase’s mom to JoJo: Don’t you worry, Chase is SOOO over the divorce.

Chase’s relationship with his dad explained in one video:

Chase: I’m ready to drop that L bomb – things people say who are not ready to drop that L bomb.

JoJo: I could tell you know how to have fun, Sandy!!
..2 min later JoJo and Chase’s mom make out

Chase: ::Weeps hysterically:::
Sandy: Crying is not our style.
…Gee Sandy, I wonder where Chase got his issues with opening up.

Chase, you def won’t win but you got some great free family therapy out of this. Can’t wait for you to never open up again after Jojo breaks your heart.

Jordan’s Hometown

Jordan, how often do you visit your high school that your gym teachers still know you?

Jordan def slipped all these teachers a few bucks to tell JoJo he was the Coach’s favorite student.

P.S. Is this high school where Awkward is filmed?

What were the cues in this library makeout sesh? “Yeah press him against that wall…right by Women’s Fashion During the Civil War” ??

Ah finally meeting the family. JoJo is still disappointed she doesn’t get to meet Aaron. She does get to meet his other brother, the Khloé of the family, and his wife with THAT hair.

That’s why her hair is so big…it’s full of bump-its.

Jordan’s dad looks like a fish, like he could be cast in Finding Nemo 3 like tomorrow

Jordan’s Mom: This could be your destiny, this could be your plan
Jordan: Yeah and if she doesn’t pick me I could be the Bachelor and THAT could be my plan!
Jordan’s Mom: That too, honey

JoJo needs to give this whole Aaron thing up. Let’s take a shot every time JoJo brings up Aaron when NO ONE ELSE IS TALKING ABOUT HIM!

Love when the producers pan to a high school football picture of Jordan looking like a rapist.

Jordan’s mom sounds just like the mom in Just Friends…Jan is that you???

As they walk to the car to say goodbye I realized something very important. Jordan and JoJo could both be hair models. And also if they got together and sent out Christmas cards they could hashtag them #JoJoJo

Robby’s Hometown

JoJo: I can’t believe this is such an old little town
:: cut to two pirates walking around::

“This is the oldest church in…Florida”

How many gifts are they bringing to the house? Did Robby make JoJo pay for them? I need answers!!!!

Robby: This is my dad…Coach Carr!

Describing his private fireworks show on the beach with JoJo to the family…”Like there were literally ashes falling into my eyes”… sounds safe.

Robby’s family is already wasted…this is so Florida.

Did JoJo do coke? Because she is SO talkative with Robby’s mom

JoJo: This has beeen so great!!! —yeah she’s at least drunk.

Robby, giving evidence to his (SUPER HOT) brothers of how in love he is with JoJo: How many hours of sleep have I gotten this week? Zero. How many panic attacks have I had? The limit does not exist.

This whole ex-girlfriend drama was extremely uninteresting. Either he’s lying or she’s lying or he is exaggerating that she slapped him blah blah blah. Either way it’s stupid and someone needs to tell him he wears too much wax in his hair.

P.S. Robby, is there a reason you couldn’t call yourself Rob?

Luke’s Hometown

Luke’s family annual reunion happened to fall on the same day of his hometown date.

“I LOVE YOU PA!”  – Luke.

Did Luke’s dad fashion his T-shirt from the picnic table?

Luke’s mom: She seems to love people, love family and think a lot of you – Finally someone gives an accurate assessment of what it’s like to know someone after meeting them for like five minutes.

“Every time I’m with you my heart gets more and more involved it blows my mind” – and that’s Luke with his feelings.

Watching this whole cookout more and more makes me realize that Luke isn’t a hot cowboy; he’s like, just sort of a hick who happens to be hot. 

It must be so awkward that production sets up this light/heart thing and then Luke gets to pretend that he made it.

Regardless, that scene was masterfully produced for middle American women everywhere. I predict that most cried, if not went on their dating apps immediately after. And that’s how Luke becomes the potential new Bachelor. 

Rose Ceremony

ABC was too lazy to pay for a venue so they just used the chic airplane hangar they already had rented out for the next flight

Wow all of these guys are the same human. Creepily, they resemble the brown-haired version of her brother…

The only difference between the guys is their walks. Luke has a serious bowlegged situation while Jordan has a serious dainty lady thing going on.

Ugh can’t believe we have to wait till next week to watch JoJo still kick Luke off the tarmac.


More amazing sh*t

Best from Shop Betches