The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 6

“This week is going to be HUGE” said Jojo, channeling her inner Donald Trump. Instead, the week was actually pretty boring as fuck. We got to witness Jojo axe the short angry elf and the large sensitive weirdo.

Come to think of it, it’s EXACTLY like Jojo sent home both Miles Finch (Alex) and Buddy (James Taylor).

Anyway, other than this week was boring AF but whatever, let’s break it down.

Date with Alex

Alex, you’re still a loser. You get the bullshit drive one-on-one, not a real one-on-one.

“The last person to get a one-on-one is always the winner” said no one ever.

Alex clearly has such anger issues and is ready to blow at like any second, it’s actually kind of scary.

Jojo: Alex are you ready?
Alex: Yeah, get the fuck in the car.

Alex: I couldn’t wait to get this one-on-one time so I could thumb wrestle Jojo.

The moment you feel comfortable enough to make Pringles duckfaces is when you know the friend zone line is so far past you it’s back in Nemacolin.

It’s exactly like being headed to summer camp, including the fact that everyone in the bunk on the bus has hooked up with the same girl.

Who the fuck is writing these jingles that these guys are singing on the bus, Phoebe Buffay?

Alex: I can freestyle anything. Give me something to freestyle.
Jojo: Idk
Alex: Yo yo Jojo why are you acting like a ho’?

Jojo: That’s an estancia. It means ranch.
Alex: Totes don’t care.

The gauchos look like Lenny and George from Of Mice and Men.

Alex looks like a Disney villain in his gaucho attire.

Alex, she is so not that into you you’re like, shorter than her.

Alex: You’re so pretty on that horse you could be a part-time model but you’d probably have to keep your regular job.

Jojo and Alex then watch the gaucho basically fuck a horse.

Jojo: I’m watching him stroke this animal and thinking about how I have no desire to give Alex a hand job.

Jojo: This is crazy.
Alex: So amazing.
Horse: Get the fuck off me.

I can’t believe this date is about like spooning a horse.

Jojo seems way more into the horse than Alex.

I feel so bad for this horse rn.


Alex: I feel like I’m falling in love with you.
Jojo: that’s great and all but like…nahssss.

Jojo: I know there’s not a rose on this date but if there was you wouldn’t get it so like, later

So does Alex have to like, go home and pack his shit since he didn’t realize there was going to be a rose given out?

Date with Jordan

Grape crushing at a vineyard, very erotic/disgusting.

Now Jojo has had the opportunity to drink wine residue off of Jordan’s feet, now that’s intimacy. I’m pretty sure these two idiots skipped a few steps in the winemaking process, no? Because right now they’re drinking grape juice with a side of athlete’s foot

Meanwhile Luke is talking about Jordan’s advantages in the game. “Someone who has box seats to the Superbowl automatically makes you a frontrunner.” Okay this isn’t The Blind Side, Luke. No girls give a shit about sports that much. It’s more that he’s like rich and famous.

Chase: I think Jojo’s looking for a real guy with a real job in a real time. – Um nope def not, you are a horrible judge of character. Jojo wants to be famous just like the rest of you, not settle down in Denver with a travelling sonogram machine salesman.

Jordan has managed to turn the tables here so that Jojo is working for him. Classic douchebag move.

Jojo: I want to meet your family.
Jordan: Well you can if you want and I allow it.

Jordan: I haven’t brought a girl home in years – Translation: I haven’t been faithful to the same girl in years.

Jordan: You can meet my oldest brother, Luke, who’s like great and my middle brother, Aaron, won’t be there because he’s PLAYING PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL, EVER HEARD OF IT!?

Oh no, Jojo isn’t close with Aaron, will this be a dealbreaker for Jojo who was clearly only dating him because she wanted to meet Aaron and Olivia Munn?

Jordan is clearly so full of shit—also, who doesn’t talk to their own brother?! RED FLAG.

Group Date

Yes James Taylor, every woman loves a guy who can eat an entire plate of gross looking fries. Husband material right there.

James is really trying to win by tearing others down and it’s sort of annoying me. He’s that bitch at the sleepover. Well Robby told me in math class he actually thinks Chase is actually his best friend, not you Jojo.

This sleepover is a great plug for Brazilian Bachelor.

Robby: We broke up like 3 days ago via email. That’s the reason I’m here.

Robby literally sounds like he’s reading off cue cards “I am totally ready. Completely committed. Had barely met my ex’s mother one time. Can I get a line!”

Chase is reminding me A LOT of Chris B. from Emily Maynard’s season/Bachelor in Paradise.

James: Are you like, not attracted to me?
Jojo: Nah but my therapist told me you’re the kind of guy I should date.

This kiss with James is very noisy it’s making me nauseous.

Robby talks like he’s seriously barred out.

Jojo put exactly zero effort into this group date outfit so no, I’d say none of these guys are frontrunners.

Jojo has horrible judgment in character; I can’t believe she gave Robby the group rose after he very obviously has relationship problems and is most likely a cheater. 

OMG James spills the wine as he’s hugging her goodbye; he’s literally so awkward.

Date with Luke

Luke looks like a bad boy gone good character out of a Nicholas Sparks movie.

So I take it Luke is anti gun control.

Jojo: The fact that Luke also has no idea what the fuck he’s doing with his life is really comforting for me.

Rose Ceremony

Jojo then gives a long-ass speech about how she vividly remembers this episode from Ben’s season and how hard it was followed by a proclamation that “that being said, I don’t really care and I’m going to cut one of you immediately.”

Wow in a shocking twist of events the two people who everyone thought were going home last episode are going home this episode.

Don’t worry James, you will go home and get laid by the sad girls in your hometown. Everyone in bumblefuck America loves a good D-list singer-songwriter.


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