The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3, Part 2

Last night on The Bachelorette, Chad barely got any screen time, Jojo’s style was impeccable, and we witnessed a semi-violent pool party adorned with fugly pookah shell microphone-necklaces. It was a dramatic night, and by the end of the episode Chad may have possibly murdered everyone in the house. Let’s break it down.

Pool Party

Chad starts off his Bieber-esque apology tour the same way Justin Bieber did: by not actually apologizing and instead continuing to be a douchebag.

Chad (to the group): You’re probably a good guy maybe…You, I forgot your name, but I hope we can settle things. 

Evan: Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology and a kiss. 

Wells is wearing a shirt that says “East Side Till I Die” As someone who lives in Chelsea, I am offended. 

Derek, talking to Jojo: There’s a security guard in the house. It’s giving me massive anxiety.  – Wow what a romantic time to make out. 

Chad has so much bacne he definitely takes steroids. Chad is Tarzan. Chad no like gossip. CHAD ANGRY. CHAD NEED MEAT. Chad is about to murder these inflatable swans and eat them as protein. 

Evan’s nose starts inexplicably bleeding for the first of two times this season. The former pastor is a coke-head, alert his kids!!

Meanwhile, Jojo and Jordan are so intertwined they can’t keep track of their body parts. They are also definitely wasted which is clear since Jojo just kissed her own knee. 

Derek: yeah I watched the show why would you not?
Chad: I work and I live my life.
Derek: I work too.

Chad and Derek’s conversation: work work work work work .fahlfdahg;adhi work work work work work 

Jordan was super well-spoken and didn’t fuck up defending himself against Chad! Plus 6 for Jordan!!

Rose Ceremony

Vinny the barber ironically needs an updated haircut

Evan’s like “fuck she didn’t listen to my ultimatum it appears that yes, I still indeed am a powerless loser.” 

Alex is totally Schmidt from New Girl


Oh wow Pennsylvania, so romantic. I hope they go to Hershey park or scenic Pittsburgh.

Is Chad going to beat up that bear à la The Revenant? I like how they took random National Geographic footage of a bear and superimposed it next to Chad. 

Jojo isn’t getting any screen time this season, it’s totally The Chadelorette!!

Date With Luke

Luke needs some Botox. He prob has a ton of frown lines because he looks so miserable. I mean I guess I can relate.

It’s SOOO romantic that they have to chop the wood to power their own hot tub. That’s why the One Room Schoolhouse is such a popular honeymoon destination. Plot Twist: Jojo burns her leg off in the hot tub and becomes the amputee Bachelorette. 

Luke looks like he’s very annoyed to be here. I feel like he might stab her while she’s sitting on his lap in the hot tub, forcing him to eat strawberries. He really looks like he hates her. 

Luke IS Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. That or Adam Levine, YOU decide (in the comments).

Every single person at this country music concert of a band that I’ve already forgotten the name of is on their phone. If this crowd of light flashing iPhone users doesn’t give Luke wartime PTSD, nothing will. 

All these people at the concert are like I DIDNT PAY TO WATCH THESE TWO FUCKS MAKE OUT. Just kidding, they’re complete freaks who are Snapchatting the whole thing so they can watch it as soft core porn for the rest of their sad, lonely lives.

Group Date

All these sports group dates are the same and always boring AF. The premise is always “whoever wins gets to spend an extra 10 seconds kissing Jojo’s ass.”

What if Jordan sucked at this sport? That would be awkward.

Why does she call Taylor, James Taylor? Given the average IQ of people on this show I would be 0 surprised if she thought he was THE James Taylor. Rockabye sweet baby Chad.

Alex definitely isn’t here for the wrong reasons. I mean, there’s no way he thought the next Bachelor could be 5’1″. This isn’t Little People Big World.

Jojo: there’s something in Robby that’s going to blow me away. – um I think there’s more likely something in you that’s going to blow Robby. 

James Taylor looks like a wounded Iraq veteran. It’s only a game, Focker!

Evan is like the Sonja Morgan of this show “I spell win E-V-A-N” – die. 

Evan IS also Todd from Wedding Crashers and he IS sexual and violent. Also, Evan’s “kids” are definitely just a vial of sperm that he keeps on his night stand and reads bedtime stories to before he goes to sleep. 


OMG Chad just threatened to kill Jordan after The Bachelorette ends… 
Jordan: You think I’m scared of you? – JORDAN YOU SHOULD BE.
Chad: Jordan you think this is just a show. I’m going to come to your house and take your mom out to dinner when this show is over. And then I’m never going to call her again. 

Jojo about Chad like he’s a Charmin commercial, “come see the softer side of Chad.”

Alex is the same size as his suitcase, I want to package him and give him to my niece as an American Girl Doll. He def shops at Gap Kids.

Where did Alex get his cargo jogging pants? 

Chris Harrison: Alex who are you wearing?
Alex: Yeezy season 2

Chad is going to talk himself out of it and then immediately go stab Alex with his hatchet. 

Why would they ever give Chad a machete?

Jojo is really just concerned with her favorite guy, Jordan’s well-being after hearing Chad threatened him.

Jojo: You threatened to beat people 
Chad: I mean, I don’t know what to tell you Jojo, they wouldn’t be quiet and someone ate my mac and cheese. I lost it. Any man would. 

OMG Chad is whistling in the forest as he approaches Alex. It’s like Kill Bill! then he’s going to silently drown Alex in the water.

Alex is scared shitless; l would be too. Chad looks like he’s about to shoot a J. Crew catalogue in the middle of these woods. Meanwhile, Alex looks like one of Santa’s helpers.


Chad: go have a glass of milk man.
Alex: I don’t like milk.
Chad: Why man? milk’s DELICIOUS.

Jojo: Chad, have you threatened anyone? 
Chad: I meann..I haven’t NOT threatened anyone..

Looks like they Olivia-ed Chad on this date.
Chad upon getting sent home: Am i getting pranked right now? Where’s Ashton!??!


#icallhimMiniManlet #minimeNO #TheChadelor #TheBachelorette #Thebachelor #bachelor #bachelornation #bachelor #teamchad

A photo posted by Chad Johnson (@realchadjohnson) on


Ew, who drinks Fireball out of glasses? That’s disgusting.

How did the producers just let Chad roam free in the forest in the middle of the night? Oh right, because this whole thing is staged.



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