The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5

Welcome to ArCHHentina, a city where JoJo can’t “think of a better place to fall in love,” and of course where every American i.e. contestant thinks they’re fluent in Spanish. Me amo JoJo long time. Mas tequila por favor. But tbh, they say that every city is the best place to fall in love … I can’t wait for them to push this limit. The next season’s bachelor is gonna be like, There’s honestly no city more romantic than Omaha.

This week JoJo in JoJo’s Cut-Out Dress Chronicles, she is seen flaunting a gorgeously sparkly crop top/bottom combo. Then later she shocks us and goes for a more reserved look, where her crop top and bottom are actually connected! That translucent black made that dress look a lot different than all the other dresses. I think that if someone were to do a tally, we’d count more more crop top / bottom pieces on this season of The Bachelorette than on My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.

Date with Wells

“This isn’t going to go Wells” – Wells

These two are so not into each other. This date is like watching Cher go shopping with Christian.

They have like, no connection. I’ve seen more chemistry on an episode of Law & Order: SVU.

Then, when they’re rolling around in the suspended pool (which looked awesome by the way) Wells couldn’t even kiss her. She was the one trying to hold onto him. GET IT TOGETHER WELLS. JoJo will kiss literally anything with a pulse.

You can tell on JoJo’s face that she’s anticipating this kiss like T-T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR.

At this point, Wells would rather drown her so he doesn’t have to make the first move.

And then, when he finally goes for it. She congratulates him for a job well done. If this isn’t romance then I don’t know what is.

Oh no, we almost didn’t see it coming. JoJo decides there isn’t enough chemistry between her and Wells (gasp) so she sends him home. She also laugh-cries throughout the entire dumping which was amazing.

After he makes his #WEXIT, the director of this episode decides to make her finish the date so he can get shots of her standing alone while people rolling on molly dance in circles around her. The only thing that would make this scene even better would be if they showed her making out with a rando on the dance floor.


But really, WTF is this sad montage of dancing at a rave while JoJo stands and smiles. WHO DIRECTED THIS EPISODE!?

Group Date

The group date is announced and James has a mini meltdown. “What am I doing here!? Look at these guys, they’re perfect!” – James

The group date is just them walking through the streets of Buenos AHHHries and verbally assaulting the locals with their “Spanish.”

JoJo: These are my boyfriends, all of them!
Argentinian lady: Como se dice SLUT!?

I hope all these guys get pick pocketed on this date.

After the day date they all put on their super tight leather jackets and go for a drink, because apparently the theme for tonight’s date is Grease.

James Taylor: I’m on a one-way train to I Love JoJoville.  –  Omg disqualified. 

James makes his move by talking mad shit about an altercation he had with Jordan which resulted in James sounding like he has a very serious crush on the Jordy-Honey.

There’s no sexier turn-on than bashing Jordan for 15 minutes straight and then going in for the hook up.

“He think’s he’s better than everyone, like a celebrity, because he’s in magazines and stuff.” Umm he’s in the magazines for the show. Pretty sure this entire time James thought Jordan was his brother, Aaron.

After giving her the “entitled (the word he was really looking for was arrogant) Jordan” spiel JoJo seems to really take it to heart:

“This is something I’ll probably pay attention to… probably” – JoJo

James Taylor: My time making JoJo cry by talking shit about Jordan made me feel great. 

JoJo makes everything super obvious and takes Jordan aside to confront him about #EntitledGate. Jordan is really defensive and again JoJo takes the bait and is in love with him again.

When Jordan comes out, he gets all moody and starts aggressively swirling around his white wine like he’s about to throw it in James’s face, because we’re clearly watching Real Housewives of Argentina.

PS did anyone else think that when Jordan was reaching to adjust his leather jacket that he was going to pull out a gun? 

Jordan to James: “IT’S ONLY A GAME FOCKER”

JoJo gives Luke the rose as a reward for not acting like a fucking 6th grader, and also for fingering her out on the bench 20 min ago.

2 on 1: Chase vs. Derek

JoJo skips the cut-out on this date and goes full Salsa Girl Emoji.

Then they watch a tango in which the female dancer wears a dress with such a high slit she flashes her vagina, like during the entire dance.

Chase was so excited to talk to the woman with no underwear you can tell. He was 30 seconds from being like fuck JoJo, I’m running away with Josephina.

The person who planned this date has seen Center Stage one too many times…

So JoJo says she needs words of affirmation. Derek is not only into her, but is emotionally mature enough to give them to her. Chase, on the other hand, stutters, twitches, and talks about how he wants to give them to her but doesn’t really. Clearly, Derek goes home proving that all women love assholes.

Omg and the director and editor are back at it again with the fucking sad montages. This time was really funny / sooooooo embarrassing for Derek.

::intense Spanish music::
    … “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” plays.

I feel like this entire date was orchestrated around the goal of making this scene happen.

Rose Tight Pants Ceremony

Jordan: I just wanna like, do life with you
JoJo: OMG YAY. Finally you’re talking about your feelings!

“You guys are made men tonight” – Alex, you’re at a Bachelorette Rose Ceremony in Los Angeles, not the basement of a butcher shop in North Jersey.

This rose ceremony looks like it’s taking place in some sort of illuminati library.

After looking at all these dudes, you can tell JoJo has a type. Slight asshole, tall, dirty blonde, and has that 50’s haircut with the heavy top and buzzed sides.

I meannnn…Robbie has like a full-on fucking Cinnabon on his head.

Alex doesn’t fit the type and James is nearly there, he’s just too nice, so they’re on the chopping block. But in a twist of events she keeps them both. But like, what was the point of this episode, she’s just going to send them both home next week?

James is so #blessed to have gotten that rose and Alex is so Lord Farquad. Can they both just go home?


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