Could last night’s episode of The Bachelorette have BEEN any funnier? Chad is the ultimate contestant, both bully and bachelor-oracle, he lead this episode from start to annoying inconclusive finish. For the first time in a really long time did I feel genuinely frustrated that I can’t see what’s to come next week. Will Chad apologize to Evan (no) or will he just stab him with his deli meat knife (YASSS)? I honestly didn’t even care about JoJo’s presence last night, even though she’s like the cutest person ever (no homo). All I cared about was Chad eating a yam whole.
DATE WITH CHASE
The episode opens up with a messy mansion that Chris Harrison definitely did not clean up.
Bachelor dudes on Chad’s deli meats scattered all over the mansion: CHAD….GET IT TOGETHER CHAD!
Chase gets the first date tonight and he and JoJo go to a fake yoga studio. ABC def picked a super flexible homeless woman off the street and were like hey wanna be on TV, pretend like you’re a yoga instructor and do crazy shit. Cue: very loud yelling on the mat and the 40 min straddling sesh.
The yoga eye contact thing was actually pretty hot… I wonder why we’ve never done this move IN ANY OF MY YOGA CLASSES BEFORE.
Just call him Chase QuickBoner.
Chase: As difficult as yoga is I’m loving it—maybe because THAT’S NOT YOGA!
JoJo: Today was so great. You were so great, and sooo encouraging when I was straddling you in public!
Chase: How can I make sure you don’t forget the moment we had?
Jojo: I’ll never forget it.
… I give it 2 episodes.
Well, it wouldn’t be a first date without a private concert.
Unfortunately ABC could only afford one of the Ladies of Antebellum.
It’s funny how the date always knows who the performer is almost as if ABC didn’t just whisper it to them right before the interview. “OMG it’s that amazing pianist from Kazakhstan I just love his work!
GROUP DATE (aka best date ever)
Chad: I don’t wanna go with 12 guys. That’s too many guys.
Apparently no one explained The Bachelorette to Chad before he came on the show.
Jordan: You think she would want to spend the whole day with you?
Chad: Of course
Then Chad let out everything he was holding out.
To Jordan: You’re a 27-year-old failed football player; you’ve done nothing but throw a piece of leather
To Alex: You’re a 25-year-old midget
LET IT OUT CHAD PUT IT IN THE BURN BOOK.
Alex then goes off on chad: There’s shit stinking and it’s sitting over there…. Try to beat me up, just try. I’m not scared of you!
Chad: You’re an angry little elf!
Alex: I’m excited to go on this date. It’s ten guys, a douchebag, and myself. —Alex apparently does not identify as douchebag or male.
The date activity begins all the guys are extremely shocked that this woman is talking about sex!
But really what is this, the vagina monologues?
Grant goes first and everyone is hysterically laughing, but not at his jokes. Instead they’re laughing at his EXTREMELY tight pants through which everyone could see his grundle.
Daniel goes and says something that doesn’t disturb us at all: So I’m having sex with this girl…and I always carry a knife when I travel.
Then he goes on: It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again!
Then Ex-pastor / ED Evan goes on talks about erectile dysfunction for steroid users. Thinks of himself as hysterical even though that story had nothing to do with his own sex life. Probably because his sex life consists of hiring male prostitutes.
WHY ARE EVERYONE’S PANTS AND SHIRTS SO TIGHT
Obviously Evan’s little steroid rant got wittle Chad all hyped up because he ripped his shirt.
Evan: You ripped my shirt. I want my pink shirt back!
Chad punches a wall, says, “If I can’t lift weights right now I’m going to murder someone,” then denies taking steroids as his veins are popping out on my TV screen like the fucking Ring.
But then after all of this crazy shit goes down, Chad speaks major truth by saying that Evan is a bully who is super obsessed with him. And it’s SOO true.
Why you so obsessed with me? —Chad
Honestly it makes a lot of sense. If Evan is gay (ex-pastor turned penis specialist), then he would be obsessed with Chad. Bro is jacked.
Chad: Stop trying to cook when I’m cooking, Evan! And stay away from my lube!
Who even are Evan’s kids… I feel like he has a bunch of women locked up in his freezer.
JoJo: There are things about Evan that I like. —like what!? His stupid goatee?
Omg why would she give Evan the rose, doesn’t she know how this show works? Maybe she needs a gay bestie.
Evan: Hey kids guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo —this is an actual quote that made us immediately gag.
After Chad finds out Evan got the rose he ACTUALLY goes… “Is this a real scenario right now? Like you’re actually, right now, vibin this dude?”
UGH I can’t. I LOVE CHAD. Except we’re going to be laughing at his amazing quotes until he kills someone with his bare hands.
Chad: No girl on planet earth chooses Evan for anything other than to sweep their front yard. —huh?
Chad needs his own show but not as a Bachelor, maybe a cast member of Jersey Shore. But he will definitely be on Bachelor in Paradise and I can’t wait.
Omg they got a security guard, what is this, the Green Mile? Chad could totally take that guy btw.
Entire house: You’re a mean girl Chad, you’re a bitch!
DATE WITH JAMES
James: When I was younger I had big ears and a long neck.
Aw James is actually kind of cute and has a good voice.
This date is boring but there was a flash mob. Who would’ve thought everyone at this school is a professional dancer?!?
ROSE CEREMONY/POOL PARTY
Chad and Daniel sit down and have a v. intellectual conversation.
Daniel: Let’s pretend you’re Hitler
Chad: Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.
Meanwhile, Chad is eating a yam whole.
Canadians have an interesting perspective of the US… and history:
Daniel to Chad: Let’s say you’re like Hitler or Donald Trump. If I hang out with you it’s going to make me look bad. So maybe don’t be so much like Hitler be more like Mussolini, Bush…like, don’t kill EVERYONE in the house, maybe just rape them, you know?
Chad: I know what she probably looks in a bikini like I can see through her dress.
Can we all take a moment and appreciate his name is CHAD.
After Evan tattletales on Chad, Chris suggests to Chad that he needs to make peace with everyone and that ABC takes violence very seriously.
…Five minutes later: Chad murders Evan.
TO BE CONTINUED.