The Bachelorette “Men Tell All” special came and went without anything super exciting or unpredictable happening. Actually, to tell you the truth, it was kind of as boring as a conversation with Chase. Bless his heart.
They open with a scene of everyone getting ready to take their places on set, and, of course, feature Chad, walking to his very own secluded trailer. Of fucking course he’s whistling that creepy-ass tune he whistled on the day he went home. Weird.
We then move to a preview of The Bachelor in Paradise. It’s more than a preview, really. It’s a trailer with scenes from the entire season. This is important because, for the rest of the night, Chris Harrison will keep referring to “Paradise” like it hasn’t happened yet and he doesn’t totally know the outcome of the entire shit show production. Chris, we can see it already happened and you’re being weird about it. Stop.
After that, the men start bickering about being losers. You guys already lost and JoJo doesn’t love you so what’s there to fight about? Moving on.
Chad takes the stage and it goes, well, probably how you’d expect. Chad is, surprise, still a total douche. The other guys seem super whiny when they call him out for everything we’ve already seen him do.
Of note, he does sort of claim to have hooked up with both Robby’s and Grant’s ex-girlfriends. Chad says these poor, poor girls got dumped by their men just so the guys could go on the show. People break up for a ton of reasons, going on a TV show to date another girl is actually not the worst reason behind a breakup that I’ve heard, so everyone needs to pipe down. That’s not actually very dramatic.
They also do a slow-mo replay of Evan totally pushing Chad at that weird sex-comedy show date. Evan tries to cover it up like a little bitch, but this point goes to Chad.
Next up: Heavy-breathing, table cloth-wearing Luke. He says he’s still in love with JoJo. Cool. Maybe she can ask him out when Jordan cheats on her and/or when Robby comes out of the closet.
When Jojo comes out, Luke basically asks what everyone who gets kicked off late in the season asks: What went wrong?! She basically tells him the hometown date made her feel super weird. What? Meeting someone’s entire town wasn’t a comfortable experience, JoJo?
What’s the over/under on Luke being the next Bachelor? Chris ends the interview with a creepy, “So you’re ready to love again?” question. Was that a hint, Harrison?
Then we have hot but boring Chase. They replay him cracking a beer and asking his van/bus driver if this was his Fantasy Suite. Good times.
Chase gained like ten points in my book with that move. He also wins the award for best metaphor. Giving someone a Fantasy Suite card and then kicking them off the show is EXACTLY like pulling his pants down and kicking him in the nuts.
Jojo tells him she’s sorry for giving him the greatest pleasure of his life and then ripping it away.
Harrison opens the floor to questions and comments from the cheap seats. Chad says she’s screwed either way now because Robby broke up with his girlfriend days before the show and Jordan is a liar-cheater whose older brother won’t even talk to him. Way harsh, Tai.
Vinny the Barber pipes in and says he’s sad he didn’t get a one-on-one and upset that the cocktail party in Uruguay was cancelled. Then mama Vinny stands up and calls Jojo out in the most Italian mother way possible. Jojo tells Vinny “Girls with asses like mine don’t go out with guys with faces like yours.”
Just kidding, but she could have said that. She tells him he was totally friend-zoned from the start and that she’s happy she got to shave him but that didn’t make the show. WTF.
Jojo closes the night saying she’s happy with her choice. I guess we’ll see about that next week!