The Best Bachelorette Finale Recap You’ll Ever Read

We begin the finale in the most authentically Thai hotel in Phuket, The Marriott. But of course, we’re also getting live input from our studio audience complete with Chad, Ben, and Lauren. I’m so happy Ben’s fiancée Lauren gets the chance to watch the girl Ben fucked a week before he proposed to her find love. But anyway, in a predictable line of events, Jojo gives up too-nice Robby to pick almost-definitely-a-douchebag Jordan. She’s definitely making a mistake, but at least we’ll inevitably get a teary sit-down about it like we did back in the day when Andi chose Josh. Let’s take a look at the least dramatic finale ever.

Jordan Meets The Family

Ah yes we get to see Jojo’s drunk mom and scary brothers.

But wait, her brothers seem way less scary this season, maybe a free trip to Thailand was all they needed to relax. That, or Jojo slipped a Xanax into their drinks before her precious Jordan arrived.

Jojo’s dad looks like he jumped off a pizza box and onto this couch.

Since when is Jojo’s mom the Balinese woman from Eat Pray Love? Couldn’t someone do her mom’s hair? Like I get that she’s probably drunk but she’s on national television. Get your shit together, Soraya!

Jojo’s Mom: Jojo has trust issues with men so like promise not to fuck anyone else, k? Give me your word that you will never break my daughter’s heart
Jordan: Hold on brb

Robby Meets The Family

This is too much info for the parents Robby, stop talking about how you touched on top of a mountain.

Jojo’s mom just came after Robby’s speech about loving Jojo.

Jojo: The fact that my parents loved Robby makes me love him so much more, but I’m still gonna pick Jordan because you know…Aaron Rodgers and Olivia Munn.

Jojo is clearly stressed out because her family likes Robby but she wants to pick Jordan. ADMIT IT.

Jojo Consults Her family

Jojo’s family: We all love Jordan and we really want tickets to the game but like, Robby is way more into you.

Her mom then complains that Jordan didn’t ask them if he could marry her and Jojo cuts her off realllll quick.

Jojo: Mom, shut the fuck up. Dad, did Jordan ask you or not?

This is like a town hall meeting. “So everyone who’s for Robby say aye!”

Date With Robby

Robby: It’s just Jojo, the camera crew and I looking into each other’s eyes and having the time of our lives.

Robby: When I’m out hittin’ 18 holes with the guys I’ll be blowin’ her phone and the bathroom up. – WHY do those words even have to come out of his mouth????

Robby: Here’s a pic of how we first met ::shows her a pic of just him::

Robby envisions their romantic future of overcooking meatloaf and spilling white wine all over themselves
Jojo: Omg cool but I’d rather have box seats at the Super Bowl, you know?

Jojo: I have no doubt that Robby is ready to get down on one knee so obviously that makes me less attracted to him.

Okay Robby she gets it, you love her.

Robby then shows off his sexy scrapbooking skills.

Jojo: I look at that first photo of meeting him on night one and realize that my arm looks fat in that picture. He’s dead to me.

Date with Jordan

Must Jordan greet her every time with “Heyyy what’s up???”

Jordan on proposing to Jojo: It’s a decision for both of us

Jojo: What are you thinking?  —guys love that question!

Hes such a bullshitter, I can’t… “your sister is a SWEETheart”

Jojo: So do you think you’ll be on one knee on our next date?
Jordan: Honestly idk

Jojo: How’d you feel talking to my dad?
Jordan: Great, excellent. Terrific. – okay Trump, enough with the bullshit!

Can you all stop saying on one knee, SAY PROPOSE like a normal person.

“It sucks.” Jordan has the emotional intelligence of a towel.

Also, he makes no sense. Maybe he’s trying to pull away so she doesn’t pick him so he can be the next Bachelor?

Jojo: Why didn’t you ask my dad if you could propose to me, you know how much that means to me. 
Jordan: IDK bitch lay off. 

He has her wrapped around his finger, how do guys do that it’s frustrating to watch!!!!!

Jordan: I’ve told you for weeks that I want to marry you at least for the next like, 48 hours.

Jordan: Super bummed that I let her down but I realize that I realy wanna win so I’m going to spew some bullshit that I know she’ll eat up.

Jordan’s like fuckkk I bought your family all those kitschy hats, now I have to fucking propose too? Can I live!!?

Mark of Jordan’s true con artistry: on her way out Jojo thanks HIM.

Looks like Neil Lane lost a bit of weight. His appearance on The Bachelor finales has been one of the few constants in my life. I wonder how much ABC would have to be paid to switch from Neil Lane to Jared.

Jordan: Do I have your blessing to marry Jojo?
Jojo’s mom: You absolutely have our blessing!
Jordan: Thanks so much but I was actually asking Joe, not you.

Jordan literally picks out this ring with no emotion, he asks her with as much emotion as if he was selling toner.

Ugh that diamond was so just okay.

Lol to hearing this letter spoken over the montage of Jordan giving his blue steel in the mirror. We then get to hear Robby’s letter. Robby stop trying to be Nicholas Sparks, you’re TTH.

Cut to the live studio audience. “This is going to be painful.” – Chris Harrison with the play by play.

How many times is Chris going to say “Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers.” It’s like, we get it, you finally got someone marginally famous on your show.

Robby’s Failed Proposal

Jojo: This is the best suit. – things you say before you dump someone.

I don’t get why they let these people make these long drawn out speeches if they’re just going to dump them. Like maybe interrupt him to tell him he’s not the one. Take a hint Robby, she’s like hysterically crying.

“I wanted it to be you!” screams Jojo. I love when they say this, like they have no control over who it is.

He’s like yeah bitch you are making a huge mistake PEACE OUT. The rest of America nods their heads slowly in agreement.

Jojo: My heart is broken.

5 seconds later

Jojo: This is the best day of my life. I’m getting engaged!

Jordan’s Proposal

Aw it’s Jordan’s last effeminate walk on television!! :'(

The proposal setup looks like it’s sponsored by Pier 1. I can’t believe she picked the douchebag who doesn’t want her, but love is blind amiright???

These two are NOT going to last, like 0 percent chance.

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<h2 style=After the Final Rose

Omg the bitch in the audience with Robby as the merman shirt

Chris Harrison to Robby: What is swimming around in your head right now ::NO PUN INTENDED::

Whoa OD suit accessories Robby – checkered tie, pocket square AND mini rose?! Also, Robby’s teeth are whiter than a Donald Trump Convention.

Robby needs to let go of Uruguay. Jojo just revealed she pictures late night burritos more often than she still pictures a future with Robby.

Chad tries to totally take over this After The Final Rose. Chad, this isn’t about you.

Chad: I’m a marine and my mom’s dead. Pick me!

Chris Harrison: Let’s take a look at some hurtful headlines we’ve seen over the past few months. Let’s have you relive that and then break down.

Jordan is definitely gay, he just goes “oo you look good, look at your hair” about the people mag.

OMG OMG OMG Ben and Lauren have a reality show on Freeform called Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After. Who the fuck would ever watch that shit:?

Jojo: Yeah it was so hurtful like look at that picture they chose. The most hurtful part about it was their lack of photoshop on my legs.

Chris Harrison will not give up on cashing in with this Aaron Rodgers connection and the male demographic it will bring. But wait, they’re sending them on a romantic trip to….Nemacolin, Pennsylvania? Are they fucking joking? What kind of low budget shit is that? Next are they sending them on an exotic trip to Riker’s Island?


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