The Best Bachelorette Finale Recap You’ll Ever Read

Last night’s Bachelorette finale was pretty standard…that is before the riveting After The Final Rose episode, which we’ll get to later. Basically, Andi introduced the two remaining men to her family and managed to dump Nick without winding up in a body bag.

After what was ultimately a boring ass season, Chris Harrison managed to keep us sort of on our toes with promises of drama to come.

Chris: The man she rejected has tried stalking her several times. She’s refused. This heart broken man will break down and cry in front of you all, LIVE!
Crowd: Yess!!!!!!!

Nick Meets The Fam

They’re talking about how career focused Andi is. Meanwhile, she left her job to go on the Bachelor…twice. Andi, former lawyer will be perfect for Josh, former baseball player.

Nick walks around Andi’s house as if he has a handgun in his pocket.

Andi: Nick makes me feel like a woman. – If you need crazy Nick to make you feel like a woman you have bigger problems. More like Nick acts like a woman.

Andi’s dad is a no bullshit kind of guy, I almost forgot about that stud Hy.
Andi’s dad: When Nick walked in the door my first impression was that he was a huge pussy.

Andi’s dad looks like he’s about to eat Nick with that fork and knife at lunch.

Nick: There are things I have with your daughter that I’ve never had before. Like, a big ass boner ya know?

But really, during this entire visit he looks like he’s about to pee in his pants. OMG, Nick’s so flamboyant. I love Andi! Love the shoes, love the dress love everything about her!

I wish I could take a shot every time someone says connection.

Nick: I know your daughter’s it for me. I already mapped out my kill room so I’d like your permission to use that.

Josh Meets the Fam

“Do you have no concerns about this being a camp romance?” Yeah, when I was at camp we got to eliminate the person we hated the most every week also.

Andi: My expectations for today are for my family to judge the shit out of Josh.

Josh: Ask me a ton of questions. Ask me anything. The limit does not exist.

Josh: I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with Andi.
Andi’s Dad: I’m ready to spend the rest of my life in Boca.

Andi’s dad likes Josh because he wants some comped MLB tickets.

Date With Josh

Josh: I want to spend as much time with Andi in this tank top as possible.

Josh sounds like he’s reading off a cue card. It’s like he Googled “shit to say out loud when you’re in love.”

Josh just keeps reiterating his age. “It’s been 29 years. It’s been a long time. I’m 29. NOT YET THIRTY. Not a boy not yet a man.”

Josh doesn’t contract any of his words it’s SO WEIRD DOES ANYONE ELSE NOTICE IT!? “I am in love with her…I do not want to wait another day to spend with Andi… I cannot wait to spend the of my life with Andi … I am bat man.”

I really can’t believe her name will be Andi Murray, the ginger tennis player.

Josh makes Andi a baseball card. Way to prove that he’s more than just a former athlete.
Andi: It’s more than just a baseball card to me. It’s also another card that’s about me and how great I am. This baseball card really seals the deal for me – Things only said by people on television.

I feel like this date is an interview. Josh: So do you have any more questions for me before we send you over to HR to fill out your W-2?

Date with Nick

Nick: My gut tells me she’s going to say yes. She gives me no reason to think it’s not me. – NOPE.

How is this off roading, you guys are like driving a jeep into puddles.

Really Nick, last night before she may or may not dump you and you choose to wear a baseball tee?

Andi uses her interview time for Nick’s date to talk about her deep connection…with the Dominican Republic.

Nick’s eyes are glistening at the sight of that mango knife.

When I spend time with Nick it makes me think things very deeply.” Um, what the fuck does that mean? Think about what things? Menstrual cramps? Fight or flight instinct?

Nick makes no eye contact. Ugh he’s so awkward. “To hopefully not our last date.” – Things you should be saying the night before you get engaged.

Andi: I love when you ramble. – Andi’s looking at Nick like she really wants to take shots.

How the tables have turned. Now Andi is telling Nick not to think just like Juan Pablo told her not to think.

Andi’s “it’s gonna be alright” is Juan Pablo’s “it’s okay.”

Nick: She’s given me all the signs. Leg rub. Check. Pecks of kisses. Check. Excessive drinking so as to pretend she’s somewhere else. Check.

As Nick tells Andi about a typical day in Chicago she starts gulping down her wine because she’s that bored.

Oh wow Nick. A chain with a bag of sand attached to it. Awesome sauce. Talk about a last minute gift this is the only thing cheaper than a bouquet of flowers.

Nick: My gut tells me I’m gonna do what’s in my heart. My gut tells me if Andi doesn’t pick me I’m going to stab her in her gut.

Nick’s approach is “Andi has given me no visible signs that she doesn’t want to not be with me so like, totes in love.”

Neil Lane

“What does your Neil Lane engagement ring choice say about you?” – Sponsored post idea for Buzzfeed.

OMG I love that fucking ring JOSH I want it I WANT IT.

Breakup With Nick

I can’t believe Andi would dare to breakup with someone that looks like exactly like Giovanni Ribisi’s character in Ted.

Cue random audience member wiping back tears upon watching Andi go into Nick’s room. Of course, Andi crying yet again when she breaks up with a guy.

Andi looks like she’s high before she dumps Nick. There’s nothing to take the sting off dumping Nick like a nice, big Dominican doobie.

Andi: Life with you would be me overanalyzing how much I don’t love you like, at all.

Nick basically asks Andi if she’s not picking anyone or if she’s just not picking him.
Nick: Is there someone else!? UM FUCKING DUH THAT’S the way the show works.

Andi DGAF so much that she doesn’t even care about fucking up her hair in the rain she needs to get outta there.

Here’s a difference between women and men that I’ve learned from watching the finale of Ben Flajnik, Emily Maynard, Sean Lowe, Juan Pablo, and Des Hartsock’s seasons. Women don’t let the men get to the final rose ceremony. They break up with them first, whereas men don’t give a shit about letting them hang there at the very end.

Chris Harrison: Nick has been continuously stalking Andi and for some reason, she isn’t into it.

Final Rose

Josh: When I decided to give up my first love…baseball …OMG DID HE STEAL THIS SPEECH FROM KENNY POWERS???  

When he said, “I can’t wait to start our lives together,” it was LITERALLY a recording from a movie.

Andi Jeanette? Ew dealbreaker.

Wow that was kind of cute even though the ‘I love you’ proclamations were a tad excessive. They must’ve put that into the new contracts after Juan Pablo refused to say it last season.

**Stay tuned for our After The Final Rose recap coming soon. 


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