The Best Bachelorette Recap You Will Ever Read

Last night's Bachelorette proved that the season to come will either be extremely entertaining or unbearably nauseating….it's like, say gee golly wiz ONE more time. But in all honesty we're just looking forward to watching the sexual tension between Chris B. Harrison and Ems. Gotta love Chris B, though. He councils Emily, and advises against her telling the men she wants a minivan full of babies. I think I over-committed with nine, six is a comfortable number. He also asks if she wants to get it in real quick… he hasn’t gotten laid since his separation.


bachelorette emily and jefDo you think I sleep with every guy who writes me a letter? No. I give them hand jobs. – Emily


As with all Bachelor(ette) shows, this episode left us yearning for answers. Like, why are these guys pretending that Emily having a kid is so amazing? That’d be true if 'amazing' was code for annoying cock block who she’ll always love more than you. Or who is this hipster water bottle salesman? And who the fuck did the casting for this shit, based on these intros there's no way Em is going to pick 75% of these bros. This is one of the fundamental problems of the Bachelorette and the real reason that none of the relationships ever work out. The guys are supposed to win points for thoughtful romantic gestures, but betches know that betrayal and disrespect are the true building blocks of a successful relationship. Any guy who is interested enough to come on the show has already lost. Then again, a People magazine shoot is also at stake, so I guess anything is possible.

But we did love when she tried speaking Spanish to the Brazilian, she is so knowledgeable and accepting of other cultures. We also noticed that anytime anybody pulls something out of a pocket, you know something bad is going to happen. The only thing you should have in your pocket is your wallet. Maybe coke. Like when Brent pulled out a name tag—is he at a PTA function? Notice that she never takes it off and sends him home. Or how about Doug with the note from his casually dyslexic 11-year-old son. Coincidentally, he won’t stop talking about kids, which makes him seem like a child molester…“Emily, where’s Ricki tonight?”

BUT WAIT OMG a helicopter! The previews warned us this would happen. After all the hype, who could it be? Is it Brad? Bentley? Bart Bass reminding us that he is indeed alive?! No, it’s just some random fucking guy! I'M SO SURPRISED!!!

Also, it was kind of funny when everyone was making the stink eye at the helicopter homo, but the real comedy rested in the hands of Stevie the backup dancer, who was trying really hard to suck his dick defend him. Cool, do you guys know each other from public school?

On Emily: So Emily has the personality of a Tupperware container, but she's like, really pretty. Seriously Ems, why are you down to humiliate yourself on television for the second time? I mean great for us, bad for you. And ABC putting a race car driver on the show? Way to rub an extremely sad tragedy in this girl's face every half hour.

bachelorette emily ricki kennedy


And yes, we'll confirm what you're all thinking, YES Ricky looks exactly like Kennedy Armstrong. Come to think of it, they both have weird man names, both of their dads are dead (RIP), and their moms are skinny southern blondes…wait could they be like, the same person? There's something they're not telling us!

Apparently life as a single mom amounts to: 1) feeding ducks 2) making pancakes 3) forbidding “potty talk” in the car 4) watching balloons float away

Brent aka Mike Brady: No shit you got eliminated, why would you lead with hey I have 6 kids! Moral of the story: You’ve got one kid? You get a first impression rose. You’ve got six kids? She's too young for you bro.

Lerone: The token black guy has arrived! See! ABC isn’t racist. We honestly can't believe she picked Stevie and fucking Julio over this guy, ABC might be open for business when it comes to black guys…but Emily's vag is definitely not.

David the Maybe Gay Bro: K songwriter, we all know that you’re a fake happy person, how happy can you be when you take the subway everywhere? After seeing his piano skills we're hoping that he can go on tour with Bachelor Ben where they can play This Year’s Love ALL THE TIME.

Jef: Something is of. No but seriously, you and Em would be perfect. You both look like teenagers who would sneak out to chill at Friendly's at the mall. Leave off the last f for fag.

Jef: You look athletic Emily: Thank you! Jef: So you agree you think you look really athletic?

Stevie the MC: “Hey I'm Stevie and I'm also on welfare.” This bro looks like the Keebler elf. And you know what didn't help his situation, his forest green getup. But like, who the fuck goes by the name Stevie? We'll tell you who: children and people who like to fuck them.

Travis the Eggman: “Throughout this journey I will take care of this egg like I’ll take care of you and Ricki” This isn't Game of Thrones, put the fucking egg down. This guy was probably like fuck, now I have to carry this shit around, I immediately regret this decision. We're expecting weekly egg updates.

Michael aka Rehab Jesus: You can't call yourself a rehab counselor if you actually look like you belong in rehab, and not the fancy kind, maybe like the state subsidized ones where people can't afford haircuts. On second thought, you look like Claire Danes.

bachelorette emily rehab


Ryan: The ex-football player aka “personal trainer” aka glorified gym teacher. May or may not be the twin of Dr. Drake Ramore.

Alejandro: We have a new bachelor named Alejandro (not to be confused with Alessandro) all the way from Latin America! ….“I’m from Michigan.” So this guy is a Colombian drug lord. If he can't find the key to her heart he will key bump his way to her heart. Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en… en la azul…”markada”.

Kalon the helicopter homo: Kalon makes his grand entrance on a helicopter and then tries to pretend it's an asshole move by spending the rest of the episode apologizing for being late. So this guy is a total homosexual whose name screams Lex Luther's assistant. He's definitely watched Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion one too many times. Must have small dick.

Doug the Single Dad: Way to exploit your kid, having your kid write you a letter of recommendation. So this guy gets the first impression rose after giving Emily a handwritten note from his son. As she walks away, single dad pats himself on the back for having handwriting that looks like an 8-year-old.

Tony the lumber trader: Aka the one with the shoe, also gay. Believes in fairy tales, love, and that if the shoe fits, so will the dick. Obviously has spent way too much time in the woods. You say you've got two thumbs Tony? Well, I'm gonna take your two thumbs and jam them in your eyes.

Nate: Hot and looks normal. The key to these intros is to say hello, you look gorgeous, I'm excited to be here. THAT'S IT.

Randy: Carries on the grandma motif from last season, symbolizes that he is a cross dresser.

Charlie the brokeback balcony bro: “I may have had a head injury but there's nothing wrong with my heart”…uhh can someone tell this guy that this isn't the real housewives of Charlotte?

bachelorette emilyYou know what's exactly like diving into a relationship? Getting slowly lowered into this pool.

He got us all psyched out with that story of him falling off the roof, we thought it was going to be the Bachelorette's first crippled contestant. The producers clearly reconsidered knowing this would hinder their extreme sports/love analogies as it's hard to dive into shark tanks with your wheelchair.


Kyle: Turquoise is her favorite color. That guy will only be wearing turquoise from now on.

Arie: “Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths we take but the number of moments that take our breath away.” OMG ARIE have you been stalking my AIM profile!? But great choice of quote, Em's def gonna pick the guy who memorizes the One Tree Hill monologues.

Arie's hot but like, why isn't his name pronounced like the constellation?

Chris: Creeper with the dolls. When he said “bobble head” I assumed it was an innuendo for the tip of his penis. Relieved/disappointed.

John “Wolf”: Did he get a daypass from the reservation? *HOW* Also, what the fuck is a Data Destruction Specialist? If you work for the government, aren't you supposed like not tell anyone that? …the files are IN the computer!?!

Jean-Paul the marine biologist: Seems about as much fun as his namesake the pope.


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