The Best After The Final Rose Ceremony Recap You’ll Ever Read

The After the Final Rose episode after The Bachelor finale was actually one of the most entertaining episodes I’ve ever seen. Usually the post finale reunion is basically a circle jerk with everyone telling each other how wonderful they are and giving bullshit proclamations about being in love.

Weirdly, this was the first time the tension between Chris Harrison and the bachelor was so thick that it made even the sappy pathetic middle-aged weirdos in the audience feel so uncomfortable they couldn’t make their usually exaggerated face gasps.


After much internal debate Clare’s therapist tells her it’s better if she doesn’t see Juan Pablo decides she didn’t want to see Juan Pablo.

It was so liberating. To stand there and be able to say ‘this is not ok’ was enough closure from me.” Clare’s little speech was actually not horrible and for the first time all season I didn’t hate her. Sure she definitely practiced her fake “I’m over it” monologue for the past four months but it’s like whatever.  #itsnotokay

I like how there’s no female villain this season, the villain was just Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo's shout out to Venezuela was a good effort at trying to seem compassionate and worldly after treating 27 women like his concubines for 10 weeks.

With Clare we talked we didn’t talk. Some women got hurt. Some women didn’t.” – Deep thoughts by Juan Pablo. He’s literally talking in circles not saying anything.

Juan Pablo and Nikki

Nikki being super delusional: “No he hasn’t told me he loves me but like, he sent me like four dick pics so I think he’s into it.

Chris: You told one of our executives that you have a big surprise.
JP: Uh nope. No idea what you’re talking about. Unless the surprise is that I fucking hate you.

Chris: So how do you feel about her?
Juan Pablo: Uh Chris, shut the fuck up and stop trying to make me say I love her. I ALREADY TOLD YOU. I FEEL GREAT. I DON’T LOVE HER AND SHE’LL STILL FUCK ME AND SHE’S OK WITH IT.

Juan Pablo: Like I was saying before you interrupted me, asshole, I like being honest.

Chris and JP are just trying to annoy each other. Chris is trying to give a lesson in why you shouldn’t harass the host. NO ONE PUTS CHRIS HARRISON IN THE CORNER.

Juan Pablo is going out of his way to exaggerate the fact that he’s not going to say I love you to Nikki on the show just to annoy Chris. “I feel fantastic about this woman, she showed me her tits on Skype the other day.

Chris Harrison: Welcome back where Nikki and Juan Pablo are engaged and in love!  – Wow I haven’t seen Chris Harrison involved in a dick-measuring contest with someone like this before.

JP just keeps looking at Nikki’s boobs “we have plans.” Yeah you have plans with her boobs later.

Catherine and Sean prove to be loyal Bachelor hostages contestants, defending the show at all costs. Catherine tells Juan Pablo not to bite the hand that fed him. This man doesn’t know what the word default means I’m sure he’s going to understand that idiom. Catherine actually was thinking “Don’t talk shit about The Bachelor. They paid for my wedding and if they’re going to pay for our second honeymoon vow renewals in 3 years the ratings need to stay high.

Chris Harrison is going to lose it and is ready to put a gun to Juan Pablo’s head if he doesn’t say he fell in love. I bet Chris gets a bonus if he can get him to say it live. “I would like to say you two are in love but it’s awkward because you can’t have a conversation.

This awkward exchange:
Chris: Do you have any plans?
JP: Yes. We have plans.
Chris: What are they?
JP: We have plans. I’m taking her to Red Lobster sometime this month.

I don’t like talking much about my private things,” says the guy who goes on the Bachelor.

Juan Pablo learned a new English phrase over the past four months: “It’s fine”

I sort of agree that he shouldn’t say that he loves her on television just for ratings. I also feel like Chris Harrison could’ve made Juan Pablo look way worse if he brought up the fact that he was saying sexually explicit shit to Clare less than a week before picking Nikki or maybe the fact that he TOLD CLARE HE WAS GOING TO PICK HER AND THEN DIDN’T may have helped with getting America on board the Juan Pablo hate train. Not that help was really needed.

Sean, way to make Nikki feel like shit: “I mean I obviously love Catherine and couldn’t wait to tell her but like I guess Juan Pablo could still sort of be into you if he didn’t say it but probably not.” 

I can see Juan Pablo locking Nikki in his basement.

Nikki is insanely delusional and should clearly dump a man who doesn’t love her back after she’s been with him for six months. Awkward that everyone hates her boyfriend who doesn't even like her that much.


“I’m not going to lie I’m okay moving on.” – Chris Harrison makes sure he gets the last word in. Thick tension!

New unsurprising bachelorette Andi #ilovemyjob

Chris is being soooo passive aggressive “feel free to express your emotions at any time during the show because people are going to want to go through this journey with you and if you fall in love don’t be afraid to say how you feel.”

LOL Andi prosecutes anything “gang related.” “It’s really a position we are in the trenches. It’s just like, welcome to the gang.” Andi, Sean, and Chris Harrison are probably about to go find some gang members to beat the shit out of Juan Pablo after the show. 

People who say “I can be engaged by summer!” are not ready to find a husband.

Read the Bachelor Finale Recap Here >>


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