Emotions were at an all time high on last night’s episode of The Bachelor. Ashley I. was freaking out because she told Chris she was a virgin twice. She then cried because Chris didn’t let her eat his face after her confession. Becca also confessed she was a virgin but like the kind that’s the opposite of Ashley I. as in not annoying as fuck about it. Brit made the ultimate bachelor faux pax and questioned Chris’ INTENTIONS. [insert The Scream emoji] Kelsey was just NOT having the lake. G.I. Jillian realized she was a lesbian. Basically everyone was freaking out last night, except for Ashely S, who felt NOTHING.
So should we just delve right into the elephant – nay – bunny in the room here and discuss what’s on everyone’s mind? Well, the girl who we all thought was the most sincere and precious of them all, the one who the three jolly corn shucking sisters chose for the magical Cinderella date, the one who we thought, so what if she has the same name as Brody Jenner’s Playboy model ex girlfriend?, she is so sweet she def deserves love. Well it turns out she’s not so sweet after all. Because right after that extremely romantic
advertisement date we noticed a tweet from Jason Biggs:
A true Cinderella
So yeah, Jade, the “clothing model,” used to (?) model for playboy. We sort of heard about this before but didn’t know who Jade was and didn’t care until now. Are you picking up all the pieces of your shattered brain off the floor? …It’s always the sweet ones.
Group Camping Date
The card said “we’re going to see what feels natural” so the girls start freaking out. Does Chris like a full bush?
Ashley I. took this seriously and wore her jean shorts unbuttoned so low that you could see just the tip of her vag line. But it’s ok, because she’s a virgin.
What Chris actually meant was that he was going to take turns sneaking into each girl’s tent and see who has the fake boobs and who has the real ones!! Chris Harrison pinky promised to help out.
Chris: I’m really interested to see these girls and how they react to being outdoors…. Is Chris going to try to drown them and see who can catch their breath?
Kelsey is really not having this lake. Says she got skinnier from smiling. Sad that my first thought was, does that actually work?
Kelsey is like Pam Beasley on Beach Day.
Kelsey: ARE THEY FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS LAKE? MICHIGAN HAS THE BEST LAKES, I HATE THIS LAKE. LIKE OMG. I HAVE A CERTAIN LAKE STANDARD AND THIS LAKE SIMPLY DOES NOT LIVE UP TO IT. A BUG JUST BIT MY VAGINA. MUAHAH.
What is the point of going skinny dipping alone and then just putting your clothes back on immediately after? Obvi virgin Mary goes first.
Ashley S: WHAT ARE you?
Chris: A Scorpio
Ashley S: No I know you’re a Scorpio but I don’t really care about that.
… She is definitely on medication that does not do well with alcohol.
Ashley S is going to use this opportunity to sacrifice one of the girls to the moon Gods.
Can Ashley I. stop trying to eat Chris’ face every time they makeout? She actually just ate sucked on his left cheek and he opened his eyes probably wondering, WTF IS SHE DOING. I LITERALLY felt uncomfortable.
Ashley I: Kelsey is so fake with her fake laugh. – She actually says this as she applies concealer for lipstick
Ashley I: Chris I want to be your wife. I’ve never had a boyfriend or used a tampon before.
Date with Jade and the Sister Wives
Laurie Jackie and Lisa are here and they look nothing alike. Who is adopted in this family? How does the oldest one have time to juggle farming and playing Brienne of Tarth in Game of Thrones?
Chris’ lesbian sister is only here for the food.
Jade: I model for like, a website for clothing.
Sisters: Yes, lots of special talents.
“I want Chris to be like my grandpa” – Carly
I like how Chris’ sisters are having like a sorority rush bump group.
If it were my sisters picking a date for me they’d pick the worst person just to fuck with me.
The Bachelor hired a Betsey Johnson lookalike to dress Jade, the innocent nude model, be her fairy godmother and promote the Cinderella movie. Brit and Ashley I. are jealous because that is their dream!
Oh look I just happen to have this Cinderella trailer loaded on my iPad right here. LET’S WATCH IT OKAY!?!?
Ashley I. says that anytime someone asks her to describe herself she tells them she is a hopeless romantic Disney princess. So the only places where she’ll actually get a job are Disney’s Magical Kingdom and like, Filene’s Basement.
I am confused why does Jade gets to keep the Loubs and diamonds by Neil Lane, the diamond whore of the Bachelor. That’s like a lot of money.
Aw look at Chris practicing dancing like he’s Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.
Meanwhile at home Ashley I. is parading around the house in her princess dress eating corn which was totally not directed by the producers.
“She’s going to go sit in Chris’ hot tub in her dress crying” – good one Kelsey but actually. Ashley I. is the poster child for why you should never take someone over the age of 20’s virginity.
This date is so romantic. The orchestra. The gowns. The advertisement for a children’s film. Chris’s boner against Jade’s leg.
I wonder if the people in this orchestra feel excited or depressed that this is what their musical career has come to.
Jade: I Gotta go. My Uber is here.
GROUP BRIDAL BOOTCAMP DATE & DATE WITH JILLIAN
Jillian is going to drown a bitch in mud before she loses this fight.
Carly takes the win best Jillian-is-a-man jokes:
– Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo not a dress.
– Are Jillian’s muscles bigger than Chris’? Is Jillian’s dick bigger than Chris’?
JILLIAN STOP KISSING YOUR GUNS. When Chris is asked to describe the personality of his “perfect woman,” he most likely doesn’t say “Ron Burgundy.”
Chris: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Jillian: Idk. I’m here. It’s like, whatever. Yeah. You know.
Jillian: 5 years ago I had no friends so I started working out. – Ahhh now the fitness Instagram models makes sense.
Jillina with the perfect first date question: Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl who’s like nasty or abstain from sex for 4 or 5 years? … so here is where Jillian will realize she’s a lesbian upon watching the show live because after asking this question, it implies she will have to answer if she’d rather have sex with a girl or not have sex with a girl…. right?
Oh no Jillian do not cry DON’T MAKE IT WORSE. Just go home. YOU ARE DRUNK.
COCKTAIL PARTY AND ROSE CEREMONY
I wish someone would feed me fondue right now.
Ashley I: Btw I am a virgin if you didn’t get that before. But DON’T freak out!
…Chris doesn’t freak out. Hugs her. They part ways. Ashley then continues to freak the fuck out.
TBH Ashley, he didn’t kiss you after you told him because you kiss like a hippopotamus. Hip. Hip hop. Hiphopanotomous.
Carly takes it for the win… HER MOUTH IS DEFINITELY NOT A VIRGIN. Burn.
Ooh always happens with the First Impression Girl. She gets over confident, thinks she’s a front runner, then fucks it all up.
Chris’s response to Brit’s allegations of his integrity was about as eloquent as Billy Madison’s speech on the Industrial Revolution. T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR.
So Juelia is going home. Anyone else have been pronouncing her name JWELLia this entire time? Same. HIGH FIVE.
Everyone in the bachelor house: sleep with your bulletproof vests and fire extinguishers nearby because Ashley S. is also going home.
The Bachelor contestants who are here for the wrong reasons are the most entertaining part of the show. When they’re not making fun of Emily Maynard’s child for being baggage, they’re harboring secret boyfriends, making other girls cry, or simply Bentley Williams. Wear this shirt anywhere you’re going for the wrong reasons: the gym, a date with a rich guy, the ALS ice bucket challenge, whatevs. The Bachelor’s hysterical executive producer Elan Gale has one and you should you. Pre-order it now HERE.