The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3

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This week on the Bachelor, Chris B. Harrison must have been scheduled for a routine colonoscopy or some shit because he called in Jimmy Kimmel to be his substitute host. For the first time its not some horny camera whore waking the bachelor up for secret of sex and instead it’s a network television talk show host. I guess the cast of the View did not have time for this shit.

The rest of the episode included Chris running errands for Jimmy and bypassing any chance these girls have for fun exotic dates, instead makes them wrestle pigs, shuck corn, and drink potentially fatal goat’s milk. You can milk anything with nipples, Carly.

Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy makes a joke about raping all the girls, all the girls laugh nervously. He’s just kidding but 100% of these girls would fuck far more obscure celebrities to make it to the next rose ceremony.

Is Chris not like, hey get the fuck out of my room. I’m sleeping. Clearly he doesn’t have my early morning mood issues.

“The bachelor already puts together great dates but now we have Jimmy Kimmel in the mix WHICH MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE FOR THE THEME OF THIS SHOW.”

First Date with Kaitlyn

Ashley I. reads the date card and is like ‘there was nothing cryptic on the card like no clues no one could possibly ever decipher like ‘let’s dive into love’.”

Jimmy Kimmel figures if ABC is going to make him do this guest episode of The Bachelor he’s going to use it to pick up some shit at Costco like toilet paper and condoms.

Ugh the Costco lighting is not cute. All these old bitches at Costco are thinking who’s this whore in a crop top?

Chris: I don’t think there are many other girls that I know that could handle a date like this with such class. – It’s Costco Chris, not a strip club. Plus how is she handling this with class she’s rolling around in a giant bubble.

They then make a subpar dinner for Jimmy Kimmel. Kaitlyn definitely pregamed so hard so that she wouldn’t be nervous to meet Jimmy because the first thing she did was call him an asshole for making them go to a date at Costco.

Kaitlyn: Making dinner for Jimmy was like a couples bonding experience. He was seasoning the steaks and I was binge drinking in the corner.

Chris is falling hard for Kaitlyn’s man laugh. Is it a coincidence that GIRLS and the Bachelor are both revolving around Iowa this season? Iowa, so hot right now. Chris and Hanna Horvath are like, twins.

It’d be so much funnier if he dumped Kaitlyn right in front of Jimmy instead of giving her the rose. Then Jimmy could make fun of it on his show later.

Kaitlyn totally made up that she dated a farmer before. There is like zero chance that was not a lie. “What kind of farmer was he?” “Cow.”

Crossfit Themed Group Date

Chris: After you wrestle the pig, you will then have to give me a blow job.

OMG this date is ridiculous I would be out so fast. Who the fuck would deal with a guy telling them they have to know how to shuck a corn. I’ll learn how to wrestle a pig when you learn how to pronounce Houston Street, Chris.

“Drinking goats milk right off the teat isn’t important to me.” An actual line said by Chris. How has any woman who comes from a major US city not running away at this point?

This is like MTV’s The Challenge but everyone is mentally AND physically impaired.

I’m kind of surprised Jillian knows what pasteurized means. Her fence jump with her ass in the air was ridiculous. IT’S ONLY A GAME FOCKER, no need to almost break your vagina. Why do these girls even try that hard during these competitions? You don’t like, win anything.

The first blue ribbon Carly has ever won is on the fucking bachelor. And I thought my third place NYSSMA solo was sad. Also, Carly never having won anything before shows you the exact path that led her to becoming a cruise ship singer.

She kills in it in the hoedown and she went in there and forced me to kiss her got herself a kiss.”

Leave it to the 21 year old to say “Remember when we kissed…!?” also, he didn’t kiss you first bitch. Mackenzie is about to knife him. “So um could you um, not kiss anyone else, um that would be great yeah. And don’t’ forget to put covers on your TPS reports.”

Ok Amber no one knows who you even are so there’s no way you “stood out to get a rose.”

Chris didn’t give the rose to the lactose intolerant girl who chugged milk for him BURN.

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Date With Whitney

Whitney sounds like someone’s annoying elementary school music teacher. I don’t like her face. Having said that, people who say “oh my wordddd” are definitely here for the right reasons.

Chris then lists his checklist for a life partner. “Just looking for someone to laugh with who can shoot the shit, milk the cows, wake up at dawn, make conversations with guys at concerts so I don’t have to speak to them, be spontaneous, make me want to kill myself every time they say anything, ever.” 

Chris wants someone who can #ROLLTHECOB

Whitney: I always meet people at airports…and I’m Facebook friends with them. – Soooo you’re a stalker.

Whitney: There’s something about weddings that’s just so romantic. HMM I WONDER WHAT IT IS.. That’s like saying there’s something about funerals that is so morbid.

Okay this whole wedding crashing thing is so obviously fake that I find it to be an insult to my intelligence that they’re even pretending this wasn’t planned. How would they even know what time the wedding started?

Chris: I like someone who is spontaneous.
Whitney: OMG let’s crash this wedding that happens to be right next-door.

Chris: Thankfully a few producers were around to shoot it with their phones. –  UM NO. You cannot have 5 people crashing a wedding and then use iPhone footage to air on national television.

Crashing weddings is great to find out who has no issue making up elaborate lies. I’m surprised they didn’t say they running a maple syrup conglomerate in New Hampshire.

As if you needed another reason to believe that this is totally staged, the song that Chris and Whitney are dancing to is Matt White’s Love and Affection. Matt White is like the official Bachelor private concert giver. I’m sure he HAPPENED to be performing at this wedding. ALSO EVERYONE IS FUCKING LOOKING AT THEM DURING THIS SLOW DANCE THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Everything about you, the way you carry yourself, the way your voice makes me want to strangle you, the way you crash weddings makes me want to give you this rose.

Pool Party

Ashley I., upon hearing there is no cocktail party but a pool party instead, “I was so excited to do my Kardashian look tonight…and now I have to like, ugh.” – THE PERFECT GIRL FOR CHRIS. Clearly he’s just looking for a girl who reminds him of Kim Kardashian, a woman whose dream it has always been to work hard during harvest season.

Juelia then decides this is the perfect opportunity to talk about her husband’s suicide.

Chris: Tell me and the rest of America what happened with your husband.

There’s no better time to talk about the suicide of your child’s dad…than a pool party!!! This isn’t not PPC – pool party conversation.  That was so obviously a conversation to hook herself for the rose. You like, just cried at him. He doesn’t even know you bro. Is it really a responsible move to leave your daughter alone and go on the Bachelor when her father recently committed suicide? Is it not kind of weird for Chris to be consoling Juelia over her dead husband and then almost immediately making out with 2-5 other girls?

Chris then gives Jade a tour of his house: “That’s where I showered with Kimmel. That’s where I jerked off to Jillian’s ass.” I feel like with Jade where they move to the bed and then the awkward conversation before the inevitable make out sesh is the most universal awkward feeling everyone has ever felt.

She’s The Man starring Jillian and her overexposed ass. They’re fighting over alone time with Chris like he’s the cute puppy at the store.

Why is Ashley I fucking crying all the time. “More time! More time! Pick me. Choose me. Stay in the hot tub for 90 seconds with ME!”

Ashley I. is always like leaning over and shit when she’s making out, which is probably a virgin thing. Seriously, she almost threw Chris off the roof.

“There’s no way he had a better chemistry with anyone else.” – every single person on this show.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley S. gives Chris extreme crazy eyes she is going to murder everyone the night she does not get a rose.

Chris casually confused Jade with Jimmy Kimmel nbd.

2 VIRGINS?!…add 5 more and the bachelor house can pivot its sales strategy to being like those people who tried to sell Liam Neeson’s daughter in Taken.

It’s actually moderately fucked up that they have 1-3 black people on the show for approximately 3 episodes every season and then they cut them.

Here for the Wrong Reasons

The Bachelor contestants who are here for the wrong reasons are the most entertaining part of the show. When they’re not making fun of Emily Maynard’s child for being baggage, they’re harboring secret boyfriends, making other girls cry, or simply Bentley Williams. Wear this shirt anywhere you’re going for the wrong reasons: the gym, a date with a rich guy, the ALS ice bucket challenge, whatevs. The Bachelor’s hysterical executive producer Elan Gale has one and you should you.  Pre-order it now HERE.

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