The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: After The Final Rose

After The Final Rose is actually so boring wow. No one wants to hear Ben say the same shit he has repeating for the last 2 hours again for the next hour.

I absolutely love the cut-backs to the pastor furiously flipping through this bible looking for some proverb that makes it okay to entertain this bullshit. 

P.S. this pastor is definitely rented

Chris Harrison: This next announcement will send the world into a frenzy!
…. Chris Harrison loves to overplay his “big announcements”

Yaaasss JoJo walks out on stage and looks acamazing.

Chris: What was life like after you got home from Jamaica
JoJo: I went home, watched a lot of Netflix, planned Ben’s murder with my brothers, was fun.

YES JoJo’s the new Bachelorette! TBH one wanted Caila. Her “big announcement” went something like this:

Chris: Please welcome the new Bachelorette, JoJo.
JoJo: Um I never said yes to this.

Is Nick V. going to come back for JoJo’s season too? I feel like that’s his job. 

Ben seems kind of pissed about it like, just because I dumped her doesn’t mean someone else can have her. No one gets my JoJo!

Now it’s Lauren’s turn to come out and she’s obviously in a white lace dress because she has no idea she’s going to have an impromptu wedding today!

I am almost positive that Lauren is wearing the same earrings that JoJo wore while she got dumped.
Finally Chris mentions the wedding. Ben is like uhhhhhhh… about I just propose to Lauren again!?!

But how could they say no to something as romantic as getting married in front of your family, friends, pastor, and a live studio audience?

ABC obviously just doesn’t want to have to pay for a whole full wedding for them in a year from now.

Ben, this second proposal does not make up for the fact that you weren’t sure if you were going to propose to Lauren the day you proposed to Lauren.

Lauren meows every other word: AWWWEEEEEEE.

Ben’s mom is wearing a Parker dress I just returned. Awk.

At the end I really thought Ben was going to make some boring speech about like an important cause or initiative but thank god he just spoke about how much he loves Bachelor Nation.

Wow they’re really trying to kill time at the end of this Tell All, like are you going to bring up Ben’s second cousins too? 

Wait, again so where are JoJo’s parents? Do they have to pay for their own flights home? 


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