Last night in Paradise we finally said goodbye and fuck you to Chad, got to see round 2 of Nick Viall vs. Josh Murray drama, and my ED Evan gaydar scale practically exploded after his professions of “love” for Carly. This show is so unscriptedly (not a word? Idc) amazing that ‘paradise’ actually refers to how I feel sitting on my couch watching these losers talk mad shit about each other. So WTF went down last night?
The Chad Breakdown Continues
Chad is definitely still wasted from last night, and Chris Harrison is def just pissed he has to interrupt his robe-lounging to deal with this. “It’s worth it for the **ratings**” – Probably a post-it on Chris Harrison’s mini bar.
Chris Harrison: Where are you going???
Chad: I dont know, Tijuana or something.
Then Leah comes and I’m pretty sure all of America/Bachelor Nation is like, Leah who?
“I’m Leah you may remember me from Ben’s season” ….mmm nope.
Of COURSE she comes on the show and is looking for Chad. Could it BE any more staged???
“He’s super cute and we both like protein” – Leah talking about Chad / me talking about my dog
“I’m really attracted to that lumberjack look” – said no one ever, until Leah
Okay just had a flashback to Leah throwing Lauren B under the bus. Classy chick! However she does look like Mena Suvari in American Beauty when she cries.
Nick / Leah / Amanda Triangle
Leah gives up on the Chad situation and moves onto her next target, slick Nick.
Nick: Just in fairness alone I would like to get to know Leah from a sexual chemistry standpoint – Nick prior to running a controlled empirical study on Leah.
Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date
Leah: Thanks for coming
…Can you say chemistry??
Leah: That last splash just got me so wet – that’s what she said.
Leah: I’m very confident when I say I think I have a lot of qualities that you’re looking for
Nick: I really appreciate what you’re saying. I actually think I’m leaning towards Amanda k thx bai.
Nick decides he’s just not that into Leah (probably either her lip injections or her fragrance of desperation, tbd) and moves onto Amanda, mother of 2.
Nick: I love fires and sitting near them
Amanda: I love lamp
“No child left behind” – Not Amanda’s parenting philosophy.
Carly and Evan
Evan gets a date card and asks Carly and I literally don’t think I’ve ever seen someone want to cry more after getting a date.
“Kissing Carly for the first time was incredible” – Evan sounds like the 40 year old virgin describing boobs like bags of sand.
“Evan does give me erectile dysfunction” – An amazing quote that I can’t believe we didn’t think of first
Carly: My brother told me I have to stop dating feminine men…like my first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And now this again. – Looks like somebody’s got a type!
Carly and Evan have completely opposite reactions to the jabanero kiss:
Evan: My mouth is on fire and I don’t know if it’s the pepper or from kissing Carly.
Carly: I vommitted…and it’s not just from the pepper.
Josh Murray vs. Nick
So before we get into the ancient epic battle between Josh and Nick (more epic than the Sunni-Shiite conflict I can assure you), we feel it’s our duty to reveal what Andi Dorfman wrote about him in her amazing/scandalous tell-all. Basically, according to her (but also like, def true), he was seriously emotionally abusive towards her in all our favorite ways – accusing her of cheating, not letting her spend time with her besties, stalking her social media for signs of other guys, having humil screaming matches in public…you really have to read it to get the full effect. (We’re not even getting paid to say that!!)
Josh on Andi: We were just like, very different in a lot of ways. – He is obviously very pissed about this book.
The Bachelor producers LOVE fucking with Nick Viall’s emotions. Third time still not a charm.
Amanda should’ve stayed with Nick. OMG….I DON’T LOVE JOSH!
Other Miscellanous Lameness
“I’m an eagle and I’m not gonna drop down to the pigeon level.” – Daniel
Lace was sadly very uninteresting last night except her eyelash extensions, which are malfunctioning.
Emily’s idea of sexy small talk is unreal:
“Have you ever paintballed before?”
Emily: What are you thinking about?
Jared is obviously conflicted about hooking up with Emily, like he’s not into her clearly but he doesn’t want to get kicked off. It’s muy interesante how whenever the guys have the roses the girls whore themselves out, and when the girls have the roses the guys pretend to have feelings. Feminist AF.
Week Two Night Two
Second week of paradise, second night of the week that I have to watch the same show for reasons unknown.
This episode starts with Josh and Amanda incessantly making out in front of everyone, while making meerkat noises.
Nick is obviously displeased so he continues to workout on the beach while taking breaks to shed a tear.
Daniel is unhappy because there’s a new guy in Paradise who is about to take his love interest away…Christian. I literally do not remember him but apparently Sarah is super into the guy. All we know is that he’s really fucking smiley… like he’s about to pull out Jamaican steel drums and serenade everyone on the beach.
“You have to be a unique butterfly to understand Daniel.” – Daniel… yeah or just Canadian.
Meanwhile ED Evan can’t shut the fuck up about his date with Carly.
Vinny: Wow kissed for a minute and 46 seconds….
Evan: 41 seconds! It was like butterfly explosions.
Carly has “the talk” with Evan where she breaks up with him even though all they did was go on one awful date together. If Carly were a guy she would like never talk to him, ignore him, and then hook up with someone else in front of him.
“Now that Evan is my ex-boyfriend…” – Carly.
Enter new guy Brendan. Even Chris Harrison doesn’t know who Brendan is (even though Chris Harrison definitely knows who he is and that scene was literally more scripted than a fight on RHONY). Carly falls in love at first sight but doesn’t realize that Brendan is dumber than anyone who has ever been on this television show. Brendan picks Haley (or Emily?) on his date.
“This time I’m doing a bad job in paradise. Like Last time I did a really bad job in paradise but this time I’m doing like a worse job.” – Carly
Before her sister’s date Emily drinks a beer and gets wasted which was THE BEST part of this entire episode.
“My best friend is going on a date… and like now that she’s engaged I’m so happy. I didn’t mean to get like this!!” Someone please give her more alcohol.
Brendan and Haley’s date was the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen. “I want to find a woman who wants to give 110%” HE IS Brendan Frasier in Bedazzled.
Why would Brendan even notice that the twins switched on him? I could barely tell the difference? But also like, he is giving this like loving “we have a connection” speech that I promise he would have given to any girl he would have picked. (But apparently not Carly).
Back at the house, because Daniel was supes jealous of Sarah and Christian’s new connection he makes a little mini date on a daybed for them.
Daniel: I’m an eagle and this eagle knows what he wants.
Sarah: I Just want to be appreciated for who I am and respect who I am.
Daniel: Samesies. I hate it when people don’t respect me.
Flashback to Daniel one episode ago: I was looking for some good looking girls so far I’m not impressed. Nothing I’d touch, maybe the one blonde girl if I had a couple of drinks in me. So far these are poodles and yorkies and washed up street dogs. I’d have to be white girl wasted to fuck them.
Sarah: DAMN DANIEL!
Sarah refers to Daniel as the goofy one who is weird and kinda dumb but makes her laugh. Can we all agree that Daniel IS Canadian Joey Tribbiani?
“I’d kiss you right now but I don’t want to give you Zika” – Daniel, Romance Expert.
PS Why are all the couples, the self proclaimed sexy six, all making out together in one bed and not like, alone? What is this, the junior prom limo!?
Then the best thing to ever happen on this show happens. Evan self implodes.
The producers first convince him not to leave. Then they somehow manipulate him into thinking that the girl he has the best chance with is Amanda, yes, the one Josh is about to engulf.
Either I was like really high or this was SOOOO funny but watching Evan write a sad handwritten note to himself was probably the best television of life.
You deserve love.
Ask Amanda to the treehouse.
Don’t forget to bring lube.
Then he pumps himself up by calling himself by his full name. “YOU’RE FRICKIN’ EVAN BASS” .. however I am pretty sure he meant it in the sense that like, he is like related to Chuck Bass and that’s what makes him cool. Yes I fully believe Evan watches Gossip Girl.
Then the producers convince him to walk up to Amanda and Josh while they’re hooking up to ask Amanda out. Whether this was scripted or not, this was good. The other reason for him doing this was his chance to get closer to Josh. Think about it, Chad was pretty hot and Evan loved stirring the pot with him on The Bachelorette. Now he wants to get steamy with Josh. I can see that exciting little Evan. Aka Ogie from the movie Waitress (obscure but like, so accurate).
Don’t do it Evan, this will end poorly!! – all of America.