The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3 Part 1

This week we get set up for another riveting set of episodes from The Bachelor in Paradise, yet quickly realize this is a series that’s nothing if not predictable.

Thanks, Chris Harrison.

We pick up where we left off. Evan the Dick Doctor has set his sights on the highest prize: human helium balloon, Amanda.

A homemade card, Evan? Is this fucking prom? Like, sorry, I see you’re literally dry humping someone right now, but I really want to see if I can feel you up in a treehouse. Just a perverted childhood dream for Evan, probably.

The guy who only speaks in quotes he found on Pinterest, Josh, spends his time waiting for Amanda’s return by blotting the grease off a pizza like someone lying about wanting to lose weight. Just eat the fucking pizza.

“Eating pizza in Mexico is like sex, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good,” -Josh

Amanda wants to stick with the hottest guy in paradise and not switch teams for the skinny whimp who wears bracelets and wants to introduce everyone to his children? Shocker.

Next, we get a shot of Daniel literally shaving Vinny’s back. You get the joke there so I won’t even have to say it. Really teed that one up for us, huh, producers?

Sure, Josh is pretty attractive but you put up with his profusely sweaty bod and possibly verbally abusive demeanor? I think that’s a no from me, dog. Amanda doesn’t seem to mind as she keeps sucking the pizza out of his teeth for the rest of the time they’re on camera together.


Snake in the grass, Evan, decides now that Amanda is his best friend even though he was just trying to get in her pants 20 minutes ago. He takes it on himself to reveal the “real Josh” to Amanda aka tell her about the book she already knew about.

“I recently found out there’s a very sad, handwritten book about Josh. And I know this because a producer literally just told me” -Evan.

Amanda already had one shitty marriage, why not take a risk on douche bag number two? Josh obviously gets her rose.

“Sometimes doing the hard thing is not the most popular thing,” Evan after literally just saying Josh only speaks in cliches. Pot or the kettle, Evan?

All predictable roses go out. Then, in probably a really bad life choice, Sara picks Daniel while wearing that banana leaf-print romper from H&M that every basic has. Like, she pulls it off, I’m just saying everyone has it.

You're Basic Ru Paul

Carly gives her pity rose to Evan. Who definitely takes it as a sign that there still could be something between himself and the girl who described his kiss as disgusting. That door is cemented shut, bro.

In the most not shocking turn of events (because we see Nick lasts until the finale from the trailer) Hailey gives Nick her rose. Poor what’s-his-face has to go home. Seriously, who the fuck is this person?!

Caila shows up and continues to be the girl that annoys the shit out of you, but you can’t exactly figure out why. Emily totes feels the same way, oh, and also probably because she’s Mrs. Steal-Yo-Man and wants to take very average-looking Jared on a date.

I figured out what’s wrong with Caila just now, though. She’s a fucking idiot. Who wears a strapless top/bra to ride a horse? If you have any boobs at all you know how ridiculous that is.

“I can see a future with Caila’s boobs” -Jared.

Can someone explain why all the food in paradise is from the same menu served at a pre-school cafeteria? Small personal pizzas, peanut butter sandwiches and chicken tenders, really? No wonder these girls are so fucking skinny. They’re eating the food of really picky, tiny children.

I legit feel kind of bad for Emily getting rejected. Then I remember she’s a size 0 with huge boobs and a twin. Girl, you’ll be fine.

Evan fakes a medical issue so Carly feels bad for him. How fucking pathetic. We all were freshman once and pretended to be drunker than we were in order to make out with somebody. If it works, it works. Touché, Evan.

Grant, Lace, Izzy and Vinny get sent on a super romantic double-date to dinner and then the same club that Marissa Cooper OD’d in.

LC Awkward

“I’ve never been to a foam party because I obviously never went to college” -Izzy.

“I was a slut in high school and also now” -Lace

Josh is kind of growing on me. Yeah, you definitely need a bagel the morning after you have super sweaty sex.

And here comes Hurricane Ashley I and her newly injected lips. She walks in literally running her mouth about how much she wants to be penetrated by Jared. Gross.

See you tomorrow, betches! 


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