Yay. The day has finally arrived for Nick Viall, Chris Harrison’s adopted son, as he finally got his chance at becoming The Bachelor. After being rejected 600 times on live TV, Nick signed up for one more! Honestly this relationship is doomed from the start because there’s so much pressure for this to succeed… and he definitely can’t go on another season of The Bachelorette. I guess there’s always Famously Single, reality TV’s dating show for leftovers.
This season opens up as Nick survives his first 4-way calling attack. Sean, Ben, and cutie Soules talk lots of shit about Nick to his face. Ben as usual brings his fashion A-game, shows up in a fancy Gap Tee.
Sean: Isn’t it crazy how everyone thought you were such a serial killer loser and yet, here you are!
Ben: I really didn’t like you when you were on Andy and Kaitlin’s seasons and I guess I sort of like you now, but like not that much.
Chris (high pitched): HEHEHEHEHE
While Nick and his speech coach practiced saying “Hi I’m Nick and I’m the Bashhhlerrr—wait let me try it again” we were given the opportunity to hear the women talk about how serious they are about “business owning” while gazing at large bodies of water and/or duck fountains.
Obviously our favorite last night was Alexis, the aspiring dolphin. Ever since her audition was rejected from Jersey Shore years ago, she took up dolphin impersonating and so she was a perfect pick to be on this season’s of The Bachelor.
She got so blackout and it was so funny because she was dressed as a shark. Yes it was a shark, and the fact that she knew it was a shark yet just really committed to her dolphin routine made her a thousand times better. “I wanna be the first dolphin to get a rose.”
Another good one was psycho Liz. Literally the definition of crazy eyes.
EARTH TO MATILDA, this isn’t how one plays it cool. As Nick said to Chris ever-so-naturally, “her being here sparks a lot of questions for me.” Playing the long game is ok, but playing the give-glorious-BJ-to-Nick-at-wedding, don’t-give-Nick-phone-number, but-follow-Nick-to-The-Bachelor-9-MONTHS-LATER GAME IS NOT. Side note: Lol to fuckboy tactic number one: Nick turning it around and asking Liz why she didn’t call him after said glorious beej.
Chris H: So like, that last girl who got out of the limo, do you know her?
Nick: Yeah I think I met her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding
Chris: No way, you know that girl!?
…Sick acting bro.
Then Liz is like “I didn’t want you to think I was here because you’re the Bachelor.” What do you even meannnnnn. So you’d rather him think you were here because you hooked up with him at the wedding knowing that you were going to be on The Bachelor? That’s better!? Oh marrrrrrone.
Next fave was Corinne. Lives with family. Uses Legally Blonde to help with her video montage. Brings Nick a bag of tokens like a fucking leprechaun. Still has a nanny to cut the crusts off her sandwiches. Describes herself as a very serious businesswoman but it looks like her dad just locks her in a room and lets her play with Excel on his computer.
That’s So Raven was another one that stood out. Fashion boutique owner in the style hub of America, Arkansas. Prides herself in her love of family, faith, football, and meth. Probs a better match for Chris Soules.
Danielle, another entrepreneur, looks like the perfect combination of Andy and Kaitlyn, which will get her at least to the fantasy suite for Nick to have a revenge fuck.
The mental health counselor shows signs of perfect mental health by signing up for The Bachelor. Decides to tell Nick that all her friends think he’s a piece of shit.
I love all these girls offending him as a means of flirting.
Girl whose name I forgot: Your last name sucks just like mine!!!
Nick: I never said I didn’t like my last name, but thanks.
Sarah (wearing sneakers): “I thought you would appreciate another runner-up! Get it! Because you were dumped so many times, lol!!!!!”
Nick to everyone: You look ::stares intensely at the girl’s boobs::….great
Speaking of looking great, we’ve released a brand new Bachelor inspired tee at Shop Betches that you’re going to NEED to wear at the rest of your viewing parties:
Okay sorry moving on.
Then there was that girl who brought Neil Lane as her escort. Neil Lane apparently bought double ad space on the show this year.
Then there was neonatal nurse girl Danielle M. who we know has to go a little far because of that super maternal music they played in her background. Honestly she seems a little too normal to be on this show. What’s her secret!?
Another good pickup line was “I have balls, just like you!” by the girl with the bull nose ring. If I was a betting woman, the girl to be forever known as girl with the balls wouldn’t have gotten the rose but apparently she did so that’s why I’m not really good at betting.
Bitch in the yellow dress. Christen. When she got ready for tonight was her checklist like:
- Get really bright dress!! Lace, bright, rhinestones, everything!
- Make appointment for updo.
- Buy hair dye and highlight from CVS. (don’t forget coupon)
Oh almost forgot about miss perfect, Vanessa. The girl who speaks 3 languages, looks like Penelope Cruz, and is a special needs teacher…yet SHE IS ON THIS SHOW. Clearly not that perfect and clearly cannot dress for shit. Yes Nick liked her black-and-white monstrosity but Nick was just looking at her boobs. Or as Astrid puts it “ZEE BREASTZ!”
At the end of the night Nick gave his first impression rose to Rachel, the Olivia Pope wannabe. She was really sweet, a civil defense litigator, and didn’t quote Carrie Bradshaw. She’s also the girl who fucks her vacuum cleaner.
Normally we’d talk about the 25-minute rose ceremony aka 25 minutes of back and forth between Kristina crying that she’s probably not getting a rose to close-ups of her looking around during the ceremony looking like she’s wondering who just farted. Surprise surprise she got the rose but most likely will not next week. THE END!
We’re dolphinitely looking forward to the rest of this season. We hope it really is the most dramatic season of The Bachelor yet. Just remember on Bachelor premiere day we wear red.
And don’t forget to listen to our podcast this week we’re having Olivia Caridi the infamous super pretty ugly crier from Ben’s season tell us all the details about the show so don’t forget to email us your questions: email@example.com and listen at betches.co/slapped.