Well fam, we made it. After a sexual assault scandal, a production shutdown, and countless
suicide threats by me rumors, we somehow made it to the Bachelor In Paradise season four premier. I for one cannot believe I am writing this recap—partially because I’ve never done it before, and partially because I cannot believe that after shitting on this franchise for like, a month straight and personally avowing to boycott a show I’ve never watched before anyway, here I am. I have reached a new level of hating myself. I’m kind of proud? IDK.
We seem to cut right to the chase and open with audio of news broadcasts covering the scandal, because ABC truly has no chill.
Chris Harrison: Yes, there was trouble in Paradise — I’m not saying ABC completely made up a whole sex scandal just so Chris Harrison could use that pun, but I’m also not not saying that.
We start with the 2.5 days of filming before the shutdown.
Chris: I know I always say this is going to be the most shocking and dramatic season yet but this time I really mean it y’all, we
fabricated dealt with a sex scandal to bring you this.
One question remains: Why is Iggy here?
All of Bachelor Nation to Iggy:
I’m happy that Alexis has fully embraced her Left Shark alter ego.
Raven rolls up like, “I think it’s my turn to find love. And by love I mean orgasms.”
Dean rolls up second, so brb while I change my panties.
Kristina rolls up next and I am loving those highlights. Girl, DM me your stylist. Next is Danielle M with a fresh dye job—she’s really going for current Stassi in terms of hair color—and a new pair of boobs.
Ben Z comes in next, and I think I speak for all of us when I say, “Who??”
Ben immediately starts going on about his puppies. Dude, this isn’t Bumble. That shit’s not gonna fly here.
Iggy literally RUNS in and practically tackles Dean. Again, get this dude outta here. Do not hurt my boo. But I gotta hand it to Iggy’s publicist for getting the most irrelevant dude on Rachel’s season a gig on this show. Like literally even Whaboom would have made more sense.
Jasmine comes in like “I can’t wait to see Rachel’s dudes because I know they’ll be interested in someone who looks like me.” Like, just say black. You can say it.
Watching DeMario show up to this house all optimistic and lying about how he’s looking for Mrs. Jackson is very unnerving. He finally sets the Lexie bullshit straight by admitting what we were saying the whole time: homegirl was just the side bitch who got too attached.
DeMario: I want them to see a different side of me because I’m a good guy. I’m like the sweetest guy in the world and I’d love to fall in love.
Wow, this hurts. Not sure whether to give the ABC editors an Emmy for this ironic cut or doxx them.
DeMario: I’m all about vibes and having fun
^Sounding like every white girl at Coachella
Derek rolls up like “I’m from JoJo’s season, you’d remember me as the one that cried.” Like dude, I don’t remember you at all.
Drink every time DeMario says he’s looking for “his next Mrs. Jackson.” Like first of all, has there been a first Mrs. Jackson? Aaaaand now I have Outkast stuck in my head.
“Make Paradise Corinne Again” —It’s no Make America Corinne Again, but I’ll take it.
Corinne is up here saying she doesn’t have a boyfriend! Holy shit. Somebody record that, we’re gonna need that receipt later.
Iggy: Corinne is already the life of the party and I’m the life of the party so I think we’re going to get along.
I’m sorry, what party is Iggy the life of? I could see him being a party in a lawsuit, but that’s about it.
Dean pulls Kristina aside immediately and is like, “You have a fucked up family and so do I!” It’s true love, kids.
Lacey aka self-proclaimed “Camel girl” shows up and everyone’s like:
Again, gotta give props to this girl’s publicist. You literally rode up on a camel and still, nobody remembers you. That’s gotta sting.
Shit, Diggy came through so that’s my second underwear change for the night. If Kenny comes I’m a goner. Just warning you now.
Corinne: As I told you on Nick’s season I’m not making any gestures. The guy has to make the gestures.
Also Corinne: *Literally jumps into DeMario’s arms*
Jasmine is still out here saying “I would maybe give DeMario the rose because we look alike.” Again, you’re allowed to say he’s black! I’m not gonna call Tomi Lahren on you. We’re all friends here.
Matt comes in in his penguin costume.
Matt: Some people might remember me as the penguin, other people might remember me as the guy who made it to almost the very end despite never speaking.
And Nick comes in in a Santa costume. I’m sorry, is this Halloween? Also am I on crack, or does Matt look like every NYC sanitation worker? What is special about this guy? Has anyone else noticed that receding hairline? How did he make it this far into the Bachelor franchise?? I have so many questions.
Jasmine’s still talking about people like “Nick’s cute but I usually date guys with dark hair. Dark, dark HAIR.” “Hair”. Okay.
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
Amanda and her helium baby voice show up and I am concerned. Like, somebody get this girl a Bumble account. Get her a matchmaker. ANYTHING but this shit show again. Go home to your kids. Jesus.
Raven: I can’t stop staring at Dean with his shirt off, honestly
The entire world: Same
Derek: What’s your kinda guy?
Taylor: You have to be able to take me into the woods and…build a fire.
That’s really not where I thought that was going, but whatever floats your boat I guess.
Ouch, Amanda swiped through 700 guys on Bumble AND got rejected by Raya. So TIL I’m on the same level as Amanda Stanton. I’m feeling oddly better about my life trajectory. (Suck it, Dad!)
Corinne leads DeMario into the pool while Alex is giving his confessional… grab the popcorn, y’all, the shutdown is about to happen. I think. Corinne jumps into the pool fully clothed and is visibly wasted.
Chris Harrison gathers everyone together and… Jorge shows up crying and talking about how he’s leaving to pursue his dreams, a company called Jorge’s Tour-ges. Please tell me this is not real.
Wells is the new bartender. Are you allowed to hook up with the bartender to get a rose? Asking for a friend.
Ok how many times is Chris gonna say “This is serious business, something that’s never happened in Paradise before”? Like it’s pretty fucked up for them to definitely record all these fake-outs after the fact.
Kristina gets the first date card and gives it to Dean.
Iggy and Lacey are hanging out and I am here for the two nobodies getting together. Good job, guys, go get that FabFitFun sponsorship.
Iggy and Lacey kiss.
All of Bachelor Nation:
KRISTINA AND DEAN’S DATE
This is honestly very boring, it’s just the two of them being like “so blessed so moved so grateful can’t believe this is my life.”
Dean’s acting like Kristina having a rough relationship with her parents is like, rare. Umm, you’re on a reality dating show’s drunk cousin of a spin-off. I’m sure ALL of these girls have issues with their parents. One parent in particular. You know what I mean.
Kristina: Based on this date I already feel more chemistry with Dean than I felt with Nick.
Tell that to your post-rose-ceremony-getting-dumped-in-the-limo-face…
That’s right, I never forget. Meanwhile, Nick is wasted and trying to talk to Jasmine. Actual footage of Nick trying to drunk flirt:
Okay I really want to know who Iggy blew to get the role of defunct narrator of the premiere. Why is he still talking??
Lacey shows up to tell Iggy her grandfather passed away and she’s leaving.
Iggy: Wow that really sucks for my chances of staying on this show… I mean, for your family.
Just as Iggy says “I hope no more guys come,” the living Ken Doll himself, Robby Hayes rolls up. And must I say, his new software updates have got him looking and acting more authentic than ever. AI technology has come so far.
“I’m gonna take some big shots, I hope I come out bullet proof” —Robby Hayes —Michael Scott
Robby says he’s excited to meet Raven and says “It’s been a hot minute.” Somebody please update Robby’s slang expansion pack; that expression really only applies if you’ve actually met the person before.
Honestly Danielle M is me: Getting actively ignored by all the dudes except the budding serial killer.
ROBBY’S DATE WITH RAVEN
They’re going jet skiing. Ah yes, I remember my first trip to summer camp.
Did anyone else notice they listed Robby’s profession as “social media influencer”??? That’s gotta be Bachelor lingo for “homeless.”
Robby: So tell me about yourself
Raven: I wanna have a big family and do big holidays and have a nervous breakdown
Robby: Raven and I are on the same page because we both
are here to extend our 15 minutes got dumped in the finale.
Raven: I don’t trust Robby because he has too many abs — shit no girl has ever said
MATT AND JASMINE’S DATE
Their first date is at a drag show which is new. The Bachelor: breaking gender stereotypes before nearly ruining two people’s lives in a sex scandal.
Matt is “totally spontaneously” called up on stage to be an honorary queen.
Jasmine: Do whatever you gotta do. Smack him, choke him, whatever.
Man sometimes I think my love life is a shit show, and then I watch Jasmine talk about choking a guy not even five minutes into her first date.
Okay, I feel like Matt doesn’t make a bad woman. Not sure if that says more about him or me tbh?
Iggy is chatting up Alexis, which strategy-wise is pretty smart.
Iggy: You’re a little bit crazy which is very attractive.
What a charmer. Can you believe he’s single, ladies??
Raven’s new boobs are out in full display. there’s no denying it now, we all know where that Sugar Bear money went.
Ben is coming up out of nowhere to steal Raven from Robby and is like “I’m not here to waste time. I’ve got a dog at home.” Dude, STFU. There’s someone on this show with CHILDREN at home. Actual human children. Your dog ain’t shit.
Corinne gets stolen by a producer. IT. IS. HAPPENING.
DeMario gets pulled aside too. I get up to make popcorn. I look at the clock. Two minutes left. Fuck you, ABC.
None of these idiots know how to behave when cameras aren’t rolling. I feel like that is pretty telling for their future career prospects.
A very authentic shot of a producer saying “Cut it. Cut it” happens, and that’s basically the end of the episode. Until next time, if I’m alive by tomorrow.