This week on Bachelor in Paradise people started to show their true colors. Mikey immediately proved himself a bitter loser as he so eloquently and classily gave his thoughts on Clare and Jared. “If he wants a sugar momma who’s 40 that’s fine.” Joe managed to give the state of Kentucky an even worse reputation than KFC and Clare made a really weird fucking speech. On the bright side, we’re like legitimately excited for next week.
Clare and Jared’s Date
Clare: All of a sudden our sail boat pulls up to a cliff. – It was at this moment I was hopeful that Jared was going to murder Clare and bury her beneath the ocean.
Clare: OMG Jared looks just like superman he’s so gorgeous. – False.
Meanwhile back at the house, Ashley is trying to drown herself in the ocean because Jared has taken Clare on a date.
Kirk: She’s just a kid in a woman’s body. – So, so true.
“She’s a fucking cougar.” – Ashley I. exclaims amid her tenth cry of the season.
Why is everyone acting like Clare is a senior citizen? Everyone on this island looks like they’re the exact same age.
Back on the date, Clare has an orgasm while bungee jumping, which sounds more like dying seals.
Back at the House
Joe just keeps saying how he really wants to meet and fuck Samantha. Does anyone else know what the fuck Samantha is? I’m not sure, but I hear she has sex with everybody.
I LOVE ASHLEY S., we demand more screen time.
Clare returns and narrates her date with Jared for the girls as if she’s filing a police report. “We then sailed to a cliff off the island and proceeded to bungee jump.”
Mikey then acts as suave as always and attempts to get Juelia to kiss him.
Mikey: Just kiss me who cares? – swoon.
Ah, here comes Michael G. At first I totally forgot who he was and then I remembered that he is the super, super annoying guy from Desiree’s season.
I can’t believe this guy is a lawyer and on this show. Like, who would hire the lawyer from Bachelor in Paradise?
Michael G.: Her name is Tenley but to me she’s an eleven-ly. – Ugh, kill yourself.
JJ and Joshua then freak the fuck out that they have yet another competitor for the newly popular Tenley.
JJ: Michael G. knows how to read so he’s a threat to everyone.
Joshua: I’m going to wish diarrhea on Michael. – Joshua, you look and sound like an electrocuted Prince Harry.
Ugh Michael G. makes me slightly queasy I feel like he has a dad bod.
Jared then tells Clare that she’s too fucking old to be with him.
Tenley and Michael’s Date
I don’t get why Tenley gets all excited about the date as if Michael planned it. Like, if you’re gonna fall in love with someone’s creativity fall in love with the ABC producers/date planners.
Ooo those lame beach necklaces are definitely their microphones. They COULD make them cuter. Like, add a puka shell or 2.
Ew, are they making out in dirty Mexican sewage water?
All Tenley has in her repertoire of conversation topics:
– How Michael likes her
– Thanking Michael for liking her
– OMG this mariachi band is so exciting!
Jared is like so not fun he only likes to speak seriously. After telling Grandma Clare that she’s just too old for him, he secures a rose by making out with Ashley I. Oh Ashley must have watched herself kiss Chris and kept it a lot less gross…but then she said “wow that was just as good when you did it with Kaitlyn.”
Juelia is too tan, relax girl.
Joe, resident douchebag hick blatantly states his desire to deceive Juelia and then freaks the fuck out after Mikey and Jonathan try and tell her what’s up. Let us introduce you to this season’s villain.
Joe: Gimme that rose.
Joe: I’m doing whatever it takes to get to the next level.
Joe: If I don’t get a rose tonight I would truly feel that I really missed out on an opportunity to meet Samantha.
Joe on Mikey or Jonathan: I won’t stop until his brains are coming out of his head. – Calm down. What are you, a fucking school shooter?
“I just made Mikey my bitch.” Ugh go back to your farm in Kentucky you sad hick. Can none of these guys grow some balls and say what they truly feel. Stop being Joe’s little bitch!
Jonathan immediately backs down after being called out by Joe and I can’t tell if he’s crying or sweating balls.
“I got caught up in the game.” Jonathan sounds like a drug dealer from The Wire. Why is he breaking down like a little two-year-old girl? Also what the fuck is he wearing?
This is fucking awful. This whole Joe scene where he fake comforts Jonathan is making me nauseous.
The rose ceremony then begins and Clare decides to take this opportunity to awkwardly freak the fuck out.
Why is Clare giving weird speeches about previous seasons’ contestants being here to find love? Pretty sure they were just here to get fucked last season too.
Jade: What you said earlier I found offensive. When you said earlier that the people last season were here for love and we’re not I found it offensive.
Clare: If the shoe fits, wear it.
Clare, that rebuttal doesn’t make any sense. You can’t just say random idioms and hope they make sense. “Thank you Jade for stating your feelings but a watched pot never boils.”
Clare is like the super senior complaining that last senior year was funner. Way to remind us you’ve been around a million years. “in my day things were good, before the internets ruined everything.”
Chris Harrison: Okay let’s ignore everything Clare just said and get started.
WTF is Carly wearing? Come to think of it what the fuck is with Kirk’s bowtie?
Wait Tenley you picked JOSHUA ARE YOU A FUCKING MORON? Pick Michael, he has a job that is NOT welding.
Clare then has a breakdown and walks out of the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison’s patience is wearing thin and he does a really shitty job of comforting her.
Clare: I just don’t know if I can deal with this.
Chris Harrison: Pull yourself together.
Chris Harrison is like, okay I have a reservation at Senor Frogs in 20 minutes Clare, can you get your shit together?
Ashley I.: This is amazing. Clare is losing her mind. Could things work out better for me???? – That was amazing, beginning to love Ashley I.