Last night was the Bachelor in Paradise finale. Sure it was delayed because ABC thinks people care more about football than reality TV but this is the network that brought you Grey’s Anatomy and Once Upon a Time so I’m not sure who the fuck they think they’re kidding. Anyway, the BIG, HUGE, GIANT surprise this week is that Chris Harrison is going to have the couples have a…conversation.
Chris Harrison: No more date cards, no more rose ceremonies, no more discreet blow jobs.
I’m confused these couples aren’t getting married it’s just like you get to stay if you want to continue posting pictures of each other on Insta?
Michelle: People always say when you know you know. I feel like I know but I don’t really know but then again I just want a few more days away from my daughter.
Cody: I’m head over heels for Michelle…I also really love the AM Crunch Wrap from Taco Bell.
AshLee and Graham
AshLee: I just love him and I love all of you. I am all about loving and feeling and thinking.
Does anyone else think that AshLee isn’t really all that calculated but really she’s just fucking stupid? I mean she’s a professional organizer.
AshLee on Michelle: I just wanna love on her.
The amount of time they manage to waste on this show on irrelevant shit is mind-boggling. Like did they really need an entire segment on Michelle making her way over to Graham to merely just start a conversation about him possibly not choosing AshLee? I don’t understand why Michelle isn’t dating Graham anymore if she thinks he’s the best thing since crop tops.
So Graham just listened to Michelle like a little bitch?! I can’t wait until AshLee watches this on TV and then breaks into Michelle’s house and DISorganizes all her shit. GOOD LUCK FINDING YOUR FLASH TATTOOS NOW, BITCH!
Graham: For me, paradise is lost.
Lacy: AshLee should be really embarrassed…she thought they had some fairy tale relationship but we all know it wasn’t real. NO ONE CAN HAVE WHAT ME AND MARCUS HAVE. NO ONE.
The rest of these Idiots
Sarah to Robert: I just wanted to tell you I’m not packing my bags. I’m far too hungover for that.
Michelle: Today has been absolutely crazy. Chris Harrison said we have to TALK to the guy we’re hooking up with.
What is this fucking Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Stop phoning a friend. “It’s literally like someone has a gun to your head”… no Michelle, it’s actually literally not. You can decide if you want to continue to text after you leave paradise. Is this the first time she called her daughter?
Cody: MICHELLE TAKE CODY SERIOUS. CODY THIRSTY FOR WATER.
Cody: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most handsome of them all. – That’s what you call a good male role model for your daughter.
Didn’t she already say I love you, Marcus?? You obviously aren’t a good listener.
Michelle gets so wet from Cody telling her he wants to take it slow. Michelle looks really hot in her dress.
“I’ve watched these overnight dates growing up.” REALLY SARAH, growing up?
Sarah: I hope he goes there, I hope he digs deep. – Whoa, whoa, whoa TMI.
OMG Michelle can you stop talking about Cody’s possibly small dick on national television your daughter is like, watching.
Morning After Pow Wow
Lacy: We stayed up all night talking and loving on each other – What’s with stupid girls saying “loving on?”
Cody: She might have broke the code. – What code? They must’ve had really insane sex. Cody must give good head.
What things did Cody do for the first time last night? Anal? Stop speaking?
He wore his jeans under the covers? OMG is Robert a never nude?
Robert’s def religious, gay, or just not into Sarah. SORRY.
HAHA “NO NECK SUCKING. Nothing.” Sarah’s a horny motherfucker. She’s so pissed she has no hickies.
Sarah: I don’t even know if he has a penis.
Robert’s like, this is how I sleep with all my girlfriends!
Robert: Jeans on, ass up, that’s the way we like to fuck.
Final Rose Ceremony
Sean looks really pale, Christian, and pissed.
Oh Molly got a little fat, maybe she’s pregnant again. I like how they ask Marcus how this love is different than Andi. Um, because she actually likes him too?
How many times will Chris Harrison call Chris Soules the sexiest farmer in America? I’m already nauseous and/or hungry for corn on the cob.
Sean and Catherine look like they’ve been fighting up a storm before they got here.
Ugh I wish I were a former bachelor contestant you’d get so many free vacas. So excited that Des, her backburner bro Chris, and her weird ass annunciation of POHtential have all made their way to paradise.
Jason and Molly: Nice extensions Lacy, what’s it made of?
Lacy: MARCUS’ CHEST HAIR!
Chris Harrison: Now, for the roses…
Cody: I remember walking up on that beach a few weeks ago and trying to fuck Clare. When she rejected me I’m glad you were here.
Michelle: I’m so excited to settle for someone like Cody.
So there’s conveniently a little bachelor engagement-dock outside. Not surprised that that’s in the budget.
And is it necessary for Marcus to make two long ass speeches we get it YOU FOUND LOVE IN A VERY HOPEFUL PLACE.
‘Best wife ever!!’ – Shit Lacy says.
That got weird real fast… “I’m gonna be the best wife and loving mother to your children.”
Marcus: I’ll love you till the day I die or until we get back to America, whatever comes first.
The last 2 minutes when they recapped the whole season was the best part of the whole show. “The raccoon is hoping she picks him…There’s an 80/40 chance they’ll have hot babies.”