Welcome back to paradise, betches. We get teased with a lot of dramatic buildup during the intro only to be disappointed by a lackluster performance. Not unlike your last hookup, so you pretty much know what you’re in for.
The twins weren’t removed from the intro even though they aren’t on the show anymore. I guess if America wants blonde twins jiggling down a beach, they’ll get blonde twins jiggling down the beach.
First up, snooze-fest couple Jared and Caila discuss leaving. Ashley I. is actually the most fascinating part of their relationship. Once they leave paradise they will probably implode without anything to talk about, unless Ashley tracks them down. Actually, that sounds like a pretty good Swimfan sequel.
Jared chases Caila down in her SUV. It should be romantic, but it kind of isn’t once you realize they’re not actually leaving together because Jared didn’t pack up any of his stuff. So, needless to say, they’ll be on separate flights.
Wells and Jami get back from their date and brag about it to everyone including Ashley. She holds it together pretty well for just having lost Jared to Caila forever and then having the only guy she was remotely interested in date a random Canadian.
Ashley: “It’s weird because when I don’t act like a psychopath, people seem to like me more.”
Jami takes a risk by not having botox, lip fillers, or falsies on during breakfast. It’s like whoa, that’s what a human girl looks like.
Lauren H. shows up. She’s kind of the greatest because she got woken up on Ben’s season looking like a real person with no makeup and her retainer in. She’s wonderful.
Shushanna the Russian walks in. She and Lauren are going on a double date and the combination of their accents is amazing.
Ashley complains that Shu is Eurotrash, not realizing Russia is not technically a part of that continent. She says she has to fake normal emotions and reactions. Yikes, girl. You need pills!
Brett and Wells get asked on the double date. They go surfing/making comments about how hot the girls’ bodies are. Everyone makes out on the date.
Evan must be really good at what he does because he literally always has a boner when Carly is around. No erectile dysfunction on this beach! Thanks, Evan! Ew.
Carly: “I love that I do that to you.”
Evan: “You don’t, I just injected my dick with bee pollen so it literally can never go soft again.”
That Josh and Nick drama we were teased with doesn’t actually turn into anything other than edits of them talking about each other to people. Maybe they should just date since they’re, like, so obsessed with each other.
At some point Amanda and Josh go on a date but it’s super boring. You can just tell Josh will snap in the future and end up in a cell next to Chris Brown. That would actually make a great show too.
Wells heads into the rose ceremony by making out with all of the eligible ladies. Homeboy does not have a type.
We’ll be back for the finale! Which, spoilers, has got to end with Nick single. Way to ruin that for us. Poor Neil Lane. He’s gotta keep giving diamonds to this mofo.
Anyway, see you next week!