The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5 Night 1

Today we open on our group of emotionally stunted adults with a shot of Caila and Ashley still bickering over one of the least impressive dudes I’ve ever seen. Sorry, patchy beards and beady eyes just don’t really do it for me, Jared. But to each her own.

Nicegirl Caila tells Ashley that Jared sees her as a sister, which is the most passive aggressive comment you could make to someone deeply in love with your boyfriend.

Ashley “here to get over Jared” I. flips the script on the situation basically explaining she’s been a psychopath stalker because she just went though the worst week of her life: Her dog, Lucy, died and went to heaven. Lucy’s spirit, of course, is now her seeing eye dog from above and will help her on the powerful journey through Paradise. Amen.


Here comes Wells, a city in Nevada and, also a betch favorite for being a Snapchat extraordinaire.

Ashley says she likes him because his dark eyebrows contrast his eyes. His eyes are brown. So…. I mean, I guess that’s an ok reason to like someone.

Ashley gets forced onto poor Wells but he seems ok with it because Ashley has a wonderful Instagram account. There you have it, ladies. Your thirsty-ass Instagram account can get you laid!

Caila and Jared win most boring couple in paradise. Despite the Ashley I. drama, they still manage to be unbearably boring as they make out.

Ashley and Wells go on a taco date because they have lots to “taco-bout” and also because no one is allowed in Ashley’s metaphorical taco. Wells tells Ashley his favorite band is The Talking Heads because he’s a radio personality and had to come up with something that made him seem simultaneously cool and pretentious. Ashley’s favorite band is Hansen. We’ll just let that sit with you for a second.

Mmmbop Hansen

The spirit of Lucy arrives on their date in the form of a Mexican street dog to give Ashley her blessing about throwing her V card at Wells.

Side bar: Are Lace’s extensions super bothersome to anyone else? Maybe crusty, poorly blended fake hair wasn’t the best choice for Paradise. Anyway, I notice how bad her hair is as she’s sabotaging her own relationship with hot Squidward/Grant. He’s proved he’s like one of the nicest guys on the show and she’s proved to be like every deranged girl in your sorority who would publicly fight with her boyfriend and make it awkward for everyone else.

Ron Stop

Douchenugget Josh squashes Nick and Jen’s cuddle plans and also proves he’s a controlling SOB.

“Andi was right!”- America

At the rose ceremony Evan reminds us that he still exists by showing up. He and Carly are kind of cute, actually. By that I mean Carly is cute and he’s probably used some sort of aphrodisiac from his medical penis practice to convince her she’s in love.

Daniel spends the cocktail party pandering to every girl; he really wants a rose. He has to stay on TV to feed his ego or his reptilian body will lose its human form.

OMG Josh is so creepy. He talks to Amanda the same way every abusive boyfriend in the movies talks to their girlfriend. Run, bitch, run.

At the rose ceremony, all obvious roses go out, again, while the twins blab about how they were trying to “trust the process”. Uh, the whole process of the Bachelor franchise is that it only works for like 1 out of 26 people. Those odds aren’t great.

The twins decide they’re going home together and not handing out their roses so Daniel and two other guys get sent home.

Before they leave, they must, THEY MUST, warn Amanda about how much of an abusive freak Josh is. Gosh, they are such good friends.

I'm such a good friend

Is everyone’s dog dead or dying? Josh says he’s been weird because his dog has cancer. What? He’s seriously the most manipulative person on TV right now.

Nick steps up to admit he doesn’t think Josh is genuine.

Josh, you jacked two girls from him, bro, how are you surprised it’s Nick that’s been slandering you?

Josh packs his bags with no intention of leaving. If that’s not the biggest pissed-off white girl move on the planet.

Jamie shows up and Wells is the only one awake. These people are as emotionally stunted as high schoolers; it’s not surprising they sleep in like 17-year-olds too.

Ashley pretends to be totally fine with the fact that the guy she likes went out with the new girl. Ugh, high school is hard.

Oh the teenage dramz

Wells and Jaime go muddin’ in Mexico. They already have matching swimsuits! How cute is that! Homegirl needs some padding though because she’s been nipping out this whole time. If it works, it works. They bond over Batman. Awwww, nerd love. Moving on.

By then end of the episode, we’re back to where we started. Ashley is questioning if Caila is genuine and here for the right reasons.

Now Caila wants to go home because she can’t deal with Ashley. Maybe this is more like a poorly supervised summer camp than a high school.

I can’t anymore with these people. JK I can. We’ll be back tomorrow. 


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