I can’t believe I’m saying this but it’s honestly not fair that Bach in P is only one hour long on Tuesdays. I think it’s time to cancel regular programming and just create an entire channel dedicated to a 24/7 feed of these idiots. God, you keep me young.
Vinny and Izzy
This breakup is a little too real for Paradise. Literally don’t understand how these people can have these serious convos with cameras in their faces. #VinnyCantFightHisEmotions
Izzy is crying but probs secretly happy that Vin is leaving. Ashley is probably secretly happy that someone else is crying.
Yeah it was totally a dick move for Izzy to just start talking to another guy without talking to Vinny first but like, let a girl live. She just wasn’t that into him, but apparently even Bach in Par is into the double standard. It’s just like, the rules of anti-feminism.
Jade and Tanner Therapy Sessions
Jade and Tanner are here, and we’re supposed to be psyched about it? Pretty sure no one wants to hang out with their married friends in real life so like, all the more so in paradise.
Still unclear why Janner is here…oh I see, to hand out a date card and boost their Insta following.
News flash, Insta celebs: Your work experience promoting detox teas now qualifies you to be a couples counselor.
Sounds like talking to Jade and Tanner reminds every couple that deep down they actually hate each other.
Jared and Caila Date
We quickly see that the entire Janner ruse was created so the producers could manipulate them into giving Jared and Caila the super romantic date card for the date where they fell in love…not because these two need to actually go on a date, but so Ashley can have a public breakdown. Genius.
Jared and Caila have 0 chemistry. He preempts all of their make out sessions with “I really want to kiss you.” – Just do it man.
Caila is totally that girl who every guy loves and every girl hates.
Nick and Jen
Jen sort of looks like a brunette Ivanka Trump. Da fuq is with Nick’s cutoff shorts?
Jen: I feel like you have a wall up.
NIck: We’re gonna build a wall! UGE!
Jen: I want every day to be a progression, I know it’s only been a few days – sounds crazy
Jen: I have real feelings for Nick
…Jen is totally ditching Nick next week.
I don’t think they’re really into each other. They’re totally using each other for roses/lack of better options.
Evan and Carly Date
Carly and Evan go on a date to some creepy cave where they engage in some sort of cleansing ritual? There’s zero chance this is a real thing and ABC didn’t pay the natives to pour water on them while lighting incense.
The best way to find out if you’re falling for someone is to watch their less-than-average body sweat profusely.
Carly: I don’t understand how Evan puts out 0 sexual vibes. – I do. Evan makes me throw up in my mouth.
OMG Carly’s face is like dripping sweat she’s so Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly.
Evan: I’m so attracted to you.
“We can communicate with just one look” – Carly and Evan
OMG Carly just said “lady boner” and the whole country collectively dry heaved.
Ashley won’t stop bitching about how she’s forced to watch Jared and Caila fall in love but like, she got kicked off yesterday and begged to come back.
I love how the producers force Ashley to talk about what her nightmare scenario is and then two minutes later that exact thing happens. That’s what they call reality TV gold.
Ashley: SHE IS NOT AWESOME. I AM SUPER SPECIAL.
Caila: We’ve been on 2 dates and each one is better than the next.
Jared: Don’t worry Ashley doesn’t say bad things about you.
Ashley, 2 seconds ago: Caila is a stupid robotic whore who is definitely not awesome.
This whole Caila/Ashley confrontation seems so staged…because Caila was supposed to be upstairs painting her nails.
How has Ashley not gotten the memo that Jared and Caila are a “we”? It’s been five whole days!
Ashley is actually pretty and would obviously be so much more attractive if she weren’t wearing a fragrance known as Desperation.