Where do we even begin?!?!?!? Perhaps the part where we declare that this is the best show on television. The reason why last night’s episode/the premiere of the third season of Bachelor in Paradise was exceptionally entertaining was because it didn’t feel the least bit scripted, and these days with reality TV that’s super hard to find. It reminded me of the first season of Jersey Shore, when you’d watch Snooki get into the hot tub with her top off and try to make out with a pool float thinking it was a real person and be like oh my god these people are bigger drunk idiots than me and I absolutely love them.
It does make me wonder if the producers were like, Chad isn’t going to be entertaining all season long, he’s prob good for the first or second episodes to hook viewers in … so let’s roofie him and then invite a girl one arm and a decent amount of self respect and see what happens!! Yay for ratings. They would never, right?
The show starts off with the lame intros again because ABC apparently thinks we love those. It’s clearly their little inside joke that no one finds funny. ED Evan eating a banana OMG lol!!! Show it to me again before every episode please I beg you!
Amanda shows up first, apparently with no shoes or qualms leaving her children behind again.
Nick is back part III. Shocker. Clearly someone can’t find a job or date.
Erectile dysfunction Evan is here, wonderful. “I’ve got my mojo back and I’m packing it in my suitcase for mexico.” – Things child molesters say before heading to Mexico.
Lace is back and supposedly went to post-it rehab.
The Twins!! They’re here and negotiated in their contract that if you can’t have one of us you can’t have either of us. Literally baller moves. One twin should act as the pimp to make sure the other twin falls in love while she chills and tans. Genius.
Jubeeeezzzz back at it again with the taking yourself so seriously. If Jubes were a housewife her tagline would be: Scared of clowns not war.
Jubes asks Jared out on the first date card and Jared says yes, then goes to his room and shoots himself in the head. During their date in basically the same scene from Sex and the City where Carrie and Miranda go out for Valentine’s Day, Jubes whispers sweet nothings in Jared’s ear about Gollum and how she loves hobbits. Jared proceeds to beg the clown to shoot his dick off.
Izzy is here and literally no one knows who she is or believes that she is 25. She looks like the poor man’s Samantha Steffen. However, Vinny, the Sweeny Todd of Staten Island, is into it.
Carly is here with new eyebrows. “I don’t give up on love or my eyebrows.”
Grant looks hot in blue. “Hide your wife, hide your bellybuttons. Daniel is here.”
Yassss sleeper hit/awful person Daniel. Daniel plus Chad are America’s Beavis and Butthead IRL. Some things they actually said that made me choke on my wine/pee in my pants.
Daniel: I’m like a disease, you can’t get rid of me. I’m like herpes… well I don’t want to be associated with Herpes. Actually it’s now treatable so..
Daniel: An eagle should be with an eagle. I don’t know what’s better than an eagle, like a pterodactyl or somethin’?
Daniel: Nothing here I’d touch, maybe the one blonde girl if I had a couple of drinks in me. So far these are poodles and yorkies. They’re washed up street dogs. I’d have to be white girl wasted to bang them. – YIKES SO MANY YIKES.
Daniel: That’s pretty nice ey! There ya go ey! That’s gross ey! – Why is he fucking Popeye.
Daniel: Any girls you’d bang right off the bat?
Chad: Yeah, the girls are better than the guys!! The guys are like a 6
Daniel: I don’t know I’m just gonna drink and go into booze control!
“When Chad’s intoxicated he’s like a crazy drunk poet.” – Daniel, BFF
Now onto Chad, last night’s main attraction. He hits it off with Lace right away because apparently Lace is into men who look like they’re 28 going on 47. Watching them hooking up and then slapping each other and then rolling around in the ocean was one of the best moments of TV. It was both very depressing and embarrassing but also hysterical and I wish I was drunk on a beach instead of watching TV and writing about it.
Highlights of the peak of their relationship:
Chad: There are 2 things I love, women and money!
Lace: Money doesn’t make you cool.
Chad: Tell that to my Lamborghini!!!!
Chad: She’s a fucking crazy bitch…but I like it.
Lace: On a scale of 1 to 9… I’m 9 disappointed.
Chad: I will tie you under a bus with duct tape and make sure you smell like peppermint
Then things turned super fugly because Lace wasn’t feelin herself after being called a bitch for the 89th time. She was like um old Lace would have been into this but new Lace, an equally crazy Lace, but inexplicably changed Lace is not!
This made Chad MAD. At that point, no meat would ever be Chad and Lace’s meat. They were dunzo and so was Chad…and so was Sarah because no good comes from confronting the drunkest guy in the room.
Poor Sarah tried to stand up for women everywhere and what does she get? Chad says, “Fuck that one armed bitch. Keep sucking that fame dick.” Yeeeeeshhh.
As Daniel so eloquently put it later, Chad’s chances of staying on at that point were “slim to numb.”
Honestly when a person is that bellig, you have to let them pass out, and in chads case shit their pants, and sleep it off.
Otherwise you get coherent statements like this:
“Ill murder everyone here..I’ll build them into a bottle!”
“Ill kill your children and eat your families!”
“Whoa whoa why are you being so unmurdery??”
Theory #1: ABC let a borderline killer on the show, releases his dark side and now will actually kill some people. Chris Harrison watch out.
The Morning After
Well that was fun. Chad wakes up naked, having sharted, and not the least bit embarrassed. We then watch 45 solid seconds of Chad snoring because this show is fucking 2 hours unecessarily long.
Chad to camera: Stop getting offended. I’m offended that you’re offended. The only person that should be offended is Arm-y McArm-eson. – Oh boy America is going to hate you. Someone is never getting a job again!
Then Chris Harrison calls everyone over. “Hey guys come up into the rose palapa!” – Chris Harrison what is a rose palapa
Actual conversation that went on verbatim:
Chad: What?? I was friendly to the staff of the hotel!
Chris Harrison: You told everyone at the hotel to suck a dick.
Does Chad realize that Lace isn’t the one kicking him off… Chad to Lace: “Are you mad because I talked to other girls?” YOU LITERALLY CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP!
I liked watching Sarah clapping her hand to her one arm tbh.
I also like how Lace totally got away with being just slightly less crazy than Chad last night. Like she was equally as drunk she just didn’t offend anyone. Maybe that’s the new Lace.
Chad gets even super pissed. FUCK YOU CRABS!! FUCK YOU!
Chad: You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and your robe on!
Chris: This isn’t helping…
Chad: Fuck you Chris Harrison. And your little dog too!
This is 100% Chad IRL:
Have we mentioned we love this show?