Ugh WHY does this show have to be over!? This whole ep was basically a relay race of engagements, even though I literally do not understand why they need to get engaged. It’s like saying that the rule of camp is that you have to lose your virginity at the end of color war or you never get to see your camp boyfriend again.
Speaking of rules, is a condition of ABC paying for your wedding that you have to get engaged today? Is it just my imagination or are the rings smaller in Paradise? Are they paying Neil Lane for the rings or is Neil Lane paying for the endorsement? LIFE’S BIG QUESTIONS. Three whole engagements tho, I seriously hope someone’s getting a bonus.
Carly and Evan
“She’s gluten free and that includes barley” – did your pillow talk last night include listing out various types of glutinous grains?
Carly is probs only with him because he didn’t break up with her. #backburnerbrogagement
Evan: we’re so lucky
Carly: we’re so lucky
Evan: hashtag blessed
Evan says he knows more about Carly than “any girl he’s ever known” – does that include the mother of your children, Evan?
“My heart beats to your soul. I want my kids to see this kind of love.” – Evan
“Wait, you have kids?” – Carly
Evan definitely lives with his mom so I hope Carly looks forward to sitting on his patio with her.
Grant and Lace
So these two are like maybe my favorite couple ever? TBH the Grace relationship has made me believe in love more than any Bachelor or non-Bachelor couple ever, including couples I know IRL. (What does that say about me???)
Grant is like sooooo genuine and adorable, where do I find one?
Not much to say about Lace except how tf did your eyelash extensions make it this whole time?
Nick and Jen
It’s a joke that Neil Lane is bff with Nick because he picks out a new ring like every week.
Nick: I definitely woke up thinking like maybe about Jen.
The no eye contact is always a great sign, Jen. He’s totally into you. He didn’t even shave or tuck in his shirt for the rose ceremony so clearly this wasn’t happening.
“Something’s telling me to say goodbye” .. yeah the producers of The Bachelor
“I just feel like you deserve better than me” – the dumbest line in the book
If I were Jen I’d be like THEN WHY’D YOU LET ME MAKE THAT FUCKING SPEECH NICK.
LOL Nick is practicing dumping people – “Can I walk you out?” Like hello, aren’t you leaving too?
During Nick’s whole car exit interview his mouth is saying “I’m sad I had to dump Jen” but his eyes are saying “shit I hope this plays well in the ‘who is the next Bachelor’ decision meeting.”
I bet Jen is gonna come be a Bachelor contestant, like she’ll come in in the second episode all like, “I feel like we had unfinished business” and then all the girls will be all like, WHY IS SHE EVEN HERE. KICK HER OUT NICK!
Amanda and Josh
Josh speaks like a fucking pastor. Like, turn off the dramatics, dude.
Josh: Amanda has 2 beautiful kids that I have no desire to meet so I’m not trying to rush things
Why does Amanda get the biggest ring? Is it because she’s a mom?
“There’s diamonds everywhere!” – There’s also your sweat everywhere too, Josh. How many shirts has he ruined?
Josh: This is the best woman in the world there’s no one better. – uh pretty sure you said that about Andi. This whole thing is doomed.