Last night on part one of the Bachelor in Paradise finale, shit got real. Several girls were sent home in what looked like the beginning of a very long trek to drag all their shit through the sands of Sayulita. Grant and Lace got tatted, Ashley I. received her annual dumping, and America got to see an unsettling amount of Evan’s boner. Just another week in Paradise.
Tierra And Her Date Card
Josh: Who’s that?
Amanda: The chicken enthusiast
Date Card: Tierra, you’re the last to arrive. Don’t cluck it up.
What did Nick do to get the date card from Tierra? Cluck her?
I like how Nick’s bio just says ‘runner up’ because at this point that is his actual, real-life job.
Nick: I want some definitive answers when it comes to Jen, so we went to a Mexican fortuneteller at a children’s carnival.
Jen: Do you think we’re good together?
Fortune Teller ::looks at line sheet producers give her::..”nahs”
Fortune Teller: You’re fucked. Go home now.
Nick: Awesome. This woman just broke up with her for me.
Nick: I’m looking for The One, it’d be amazing if it’s Jen. – Something tells me she’s not, seeing as you’re the Bachelor next season.
All these forced relationship convos are really fucking boring.
Lauren and lamp talk about pursuing their nonexistent relationship with as much fervor as one would discuss clipping their toenails.
Brett to Izzy: You’re someone who I had fun with, gave me a boner once in a while, but I don’t really feel an emotional connection.
Izzy is such a fucking idiot. she thought she was hot shit because Vinny was so into her so she thought she could get anyone else, so she went for the guy who she thought was super hot and when he rejected her and it put her in her place.
Vinny is def thrilled watching this and seeing Izzy get dumped.
Brett keeps saying “Lar-ren’ instead of Lauren and it’s awk.
Brett: I just kind of like want to explore my connection with “Larren” and like, you know, move on from this so ah, this would ah be a good time for you to bounce…ahh like…now?
Izzy: I should go
Why is Lace crying? she didn’t get dumped.
I love this montage of Vinny and Izzy like, just basically drunkenly making out in the pool.
Personally, I would never forgive anyone who made me cut my vacation short TBH
THIS ISNT ROMANTIC, BRETT JUST DUMPED YOU SO YOURE GOING BACK. Ugh I hate this biatch. Romantic would be ditching Brett first.
Izzy: Hello!!! Vinny!!
Vinny: New phone who dis
Vinny: You wanted to throw everything away for a guy with a lamp.
YEAH YOU GO GLENN VINNY.
I don’t get why they brought the chicken girl. Who eats chicken wings alone on a log?
Why is Shoshanna dressed like the princess Anastasia?
Shoshanna: I don’t fight for love. – You can’t say that out loud that’s like Bachelor social suicide.
Is it necessary to make a speech before handing out each rose?
Brett: Eh I don’t wanna do this ::mic drop:: sorry Larren.
I’m honestly so surprised he didn’t pick Jami.
Ashley like wants to JUMP with joy when Wells pics her while Wells is like “WTF HAVE I DONE.”
The Next Day
I love when Chris Harrison says “come join me in the palapa.” He announces that the couples are going to get fantasy suites and they should be damn sure of their love for each other before they’re forced to become engaged to a stranger on national television for
no reason whatsoever the chance to make money off of Instagram endorsements.
OMG Jen asking the hard-hitting questions: “Would you sit on his face or would you suck his dick!?”
Wells: You’re not in love with me, I’m not in love with you, we’re not getting engaged.
Ashley: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!
Side note: How do Ashley’s eyelash extensions last so long? Serious inquiry.
OMG these fucking idiots are getting Grant and Lace tattoos when they broke up like a week ago. Getting this tattoo is a significantly bigger commitment than getting engaged.
Plot twist, at the last minute Lace decides to ditch the word Grace and replace it with a Mexican drinking worm.
I fucking love Grant!!! Perfect boyfriend for Lace. He should just really take it slow with her so she doesn’t panic and run.
How are Carly and Evan seriously a thing, I don’t get it! OMG I’m like literally dying at this date they’re like, painting each other while a big naked woman is playing the jazz flute. LIKE what? Nothing is fucking up my Labor Day Weekend more than seeing Evan in his tighty-whiteys.
Amanda and Josh
Josh: Could you see yourself being a soccer mom?
Amanda: Oh shit did I forget to tell you I have kids?
Josh: Are your kids into sports or like, being given up for adoption so I can have sons?
I love how this is literally the first time they have talked about Amanda’s kids she is such a terrible mother.
Amanda: Today was really fun.
Josh: So fun.
Amanda: Yes real fun – Fucking soul mates right here.
Josh: I’m so excited to get to know your kids. What’re their names again?
Amanda: My family is the most important thing for me. – You just left your daughters for 4 months in less than 2 years.