The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Women Tell All

Last night’s Women Tell All was pretty much boring AF, since it basically consisted of us watching the bachelorettes watching themselves relive the dumb shit they said all season. And as much fun as it is to see the audience biting their lips in anxiety like they’re waiting to see if they won the fucking Powerball, we definitely could’ve survived without yet another montage of Olivia’s most psychotic moments.

The episode starts with us dropping in on the Bachelor viewing parties of some random middle Americans. These people put more thought into their reality TV watching than Kim Richards puts into her entire life. If you dropped in on my Bachelor viewing party you’d find me in my underwear with my laptop on my chest. 

^Me, basically.


We start the episode with Sgt. Jubilee reporting for duty. In case you missed it, she is FULL BLACK. That means she is 50% blacker than Obama, and also the first full black contestant to be invited to the hot seat by Chris Harrison. Obviously Rosa Parks would be proud. 

Jubilee: I’m a little different, you can all see. – Subtle!

“Hey Ben my whole family died let’s make out” – That’s sort of how your relationship went.

This chicken needs to stop interrupting this amazing moment of girl-on-girl bashing. 

Jubilee: I have a difficult past and I think this show is a situation that breeds my insecurities and jealousy. – That’s exactly why they cast you for the show Jubs.


The greatest thing in the epsiode was probably when Lace cried and goes, “like my tattoo says, you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” Any time you start a sentence with “like my tattoo says” you should probably be given a shot that makes you infertile.

ABC how much did you pay this guy to get a tattoo of Lace? She is def gonna go find him after the show.

Bye bitch, can’t wait to see you embarrass yourself this summer on Bachelor in Paradise!


Olivia gets into the hot seat and pretty much just cries. Very not into her eyebrows and hair ironing job. I haven’t seen ridges like that since the 7th grade.

I forgot about this Russian bitch who is speaking more now than she did on the entire show. Oh it says she’s a mathematician, which means she probably owns a calculator.

“I brought so many books I’m just such a good reader. I brought like, Kim Kardashian’s selfie book and Teresa Giudice’s prison novel.”


Whoever did Caila’s makeup should probably be fired.

Ben and Caila are talking about their relationship like they’re talking about the stock market. Valuation went down by 30% after Caila told Ben she might not be able to love him. 

Chris Harrison: When Ben said he loved two women and none of them were you, how rejected did you feel?

Ben in the Hot Seat

Ben: Life does not prepare you to be on the Bachelor. 

Ben: Amanda, how are your kids?
Amanda: Still fatherless Ben, still fatherless.

“Watching you embarrass yourself hysterically crying after I left felt great and was like amazing closure” – Amanda

I’m very impressed that Ben could tell the twins apart because no one else fucking could.

That was epic when Becca said Chris’ name instead of Ben’s. She was clearly very into him.


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