This week the Bachelor took us to the Bahamas, which to all the bachelorettes screamed ROMANCE! but to me actually screamed losing your virginity on high school spring break. We also got to continue our Olivia hate fest, which has definitely become my personal favorite Monday night activity and I’m totally depressed it’s come to an end. Does this mean I’m going to have to follow Donald Trump’s Twitter account to hear more crazy, delusional commentary?
Before we start this recap we just want to call that Lauren B is totally going to win and Becca is going to be the next Bachelorette, and all they’re going to talk about the whole season is whether or not she’ll lose her virginity in the fantasty suite. Who’s excited?
Intro to episode with a lot of girls bitching about shit / Rose Ceremony from last week
The episode starts out with *shocker* all the girls complaining about Olivia and/or how Ben hasn’t given them enough time.
Emily: There is no limit to how rude Olivia is. The limit does not exist!
Ben: Sup with you being a biotch to the ladies?
Olivia: It’s not my fault that I’m so popular. All these girls care about is doing their nails and their hair and like their moms and school.
Actual Olivia quote: I want to talk smart things.
Every time Olivia says anything, ever. pic.twitter.com/1uVnUMSoGM
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 9, 2016
Becca really has the most DGAF attitude during this whole debacle. “Idk what’s happening. Does anyone have a joint?”
Ben then returns to the rose ceremony with some words of wisdom:
Ben: I’m just a boy standing in front of a bunch of fame whores asking them to pretend they like me.
Ben: I’m excited about what comes next. Thank you for going on these dates with me and thank you for being here and thank you for being who you all are. – Ben, please shut up. Literally 5% of what comes out of your mouth is substantial.
Leah won’t stop bitching about how Ben hasn’t given her enough time. Honestly every time I’m reminded of Leah’s existence I realize I completely forgot about her.
Seriously Leah, if you’re going to cry at least go outside where there are some UV rays! You’re going home in like, 10 minutes so take advantage of this free vaca while you can.
Date with Caila
I love how they cut all the footage of Caila’s date with Leah crying about how Ben doesn’t care about her and she’s going on ANOTHER group date. Leah needs to relax, this is not a Guantanamo Bay it’s just a group date.
Ben: I feel like you smile a lot. CRY BITCH.
Caila: I love you. I feel like I can’t fall in love with you. — WTF are you saying, that you like him but don’t like him like him?
Caila: I’m afraid I might confuse you because this is confusing and I’m a confusing person. — Translation: I’m not that into you but I just don’t want to get sent home because I’m not tan enough yet.
Ben: TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.
Caila: I’m too drunk for this.
Ben: Caila is confusing me.
Caila: I feel like you understand me.
Ben: I’m really glad this happened.
Everyone in America: What the fuck just happened?
Ben takes a break from making the girls fiercely compete with each other and learn Spanish and cook him lunch to just chill on a boat for fucking once.
::Girls running away from pigs in extreme fear::
Ben: The girls are just having a blast!
Leah: I’m like a group date groupie! – That would make a great tank top slogan.
Ben: Do you like pigs?
Leah: I like to eat pigs.
Imagine if one of these bitches just stabbed a pig and announced “DINNER!”
Leah: I’m just trying to figure out why he even kept me here. – SAMESIES. Crying in front of Ben for the two minutes he decides to spend with you is a great way to ensure he’ll keep you here.
Becca: It’s obvious that you’re really into Lauren B…but like I’m still into it.
Ben: I’m so happy I reconnected with Becca.
Amanda sounds like a pixie fairy, has has she gone through puberty yet?
Lauren B. is so upset that someone has been talking shit abouat her that she totally lets herself go.
Lauren B: Fuck this Bachelor shit, I’m putting in my top bun.
Leah: I feel like I could definitely be going home.
Everyone else: Nods in agreement.
Emily is so aggressive about everyone:
On Leah: She’s a liar Lauren she’s a fucking liar.
On Olivia: Olivia is a scum sucking road whore she ruined my life.
Breakup with Leah
Leah’s pissed that Ben doesn’t like her so she attempts to create her own one-on-one date by going to Ben’s suite but the plan totally backfires, and she uses her last 5 minutes in the spotlight to bash the shit out of Lauren B.
Leah: I don’t want to say names but Lauren B is a little bitch.
Which producer came out of nowhere and convinced Leah to throw Lauren B under the bus? They deserve a raise for creating drama out of literally nowhere. GIVE THEM A RAISE ELAN.
This conversation literally set a world record for the fastest/least protested breakup ever.
Leah: I literally did not see that coming. – UM you just spent the past 24 hours talking about how he was going to send you home.
Date with Olivia and Emily
Olivia: We’ve been writing our love story uninterrupted, it’s my first almost one-on-one with the man I’m gonna marry. – This love story is def a very sad handwritten book.
Why does Emily get to call her sister all the time? Since when do bachelorettes get to call the other bachelorettes who got sent home?
Olivia: Ben’s and my relationship is that all consuming, constantly growing kind of love. – You haven’t even been on an actual date yet.
Weather: Totally overcast with insane gusts of wind
Olivia: What a day. It’s perfect!
Olivia: I’m very grounded. I’m very strong I’m very confident and my breasts can always tell when it’s raining.
Olivia: Deep, intellectual things are just my jam. I’ve had a lot of really interesting realizations lately, like that I love you. – OMG shut the fuck up.
Emily: I WANT THIS SO BAD.
Ben: Let me do your hair for you. Your mom said you have a lot to give. – Is this convo done yet?
The Olivia breakup was one of the greatest moments in Bachelor history. He takes her aside and she’s so sure she’s got it locked down but NOPE. BYE FELICIA.
Love how it starts pouring as soon as he breaks up with her. How much did they pay for that effect? It’s like the opposite of The Notebook.
Olivia stands there sobbing for like a half hour. How long is she obligated to stand on this rainy cliff like, contractually? Either have a psychotic breakdown for our viewing pleasure or go home!
“I’m so surprised he picked Lauren B over Lauren H” said no one.
Ben must’ve been shown Lauren H’s footage from last week without her makeup and with her retainer.