The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 9

Last night on The Bachelor there were three fantasy suite nights, two two-way affirmations of I love yous and one embarrassing breakup. Welcome to Jamaica.

Ben: Jamaica is amazing! Lush jungles, friendly people, good kush. Ya man, Jamaica rocks! – First of all, my family got robbed at gunpoint in Jamaica so agree to disagree. Second of all, no one actually uses the word lush to describe anything Ben. You’re a software salesman not fucking Robert Frost.

Then we get to hear Ben’s descriptions of the girls as though they’re thoroughbred horses.

On Caila: Caila is beautiful but I haven’t made her cry yet. My biggest fear is that Caila is afraid she can’t love someone.

On Lauren B.: When I saw Lauren for the first time that was the closest thing I’ve ever felt to love at first sight. She makes me feel like a little kid. Prob because she also has like, the best Pokemon cards.

On Jojo: Jojo just makes me feel like, really confident. – What part of Jojo makes you feel confident? The fact where she cried over her ex last week before you came over? 

Ben has one goal for the week and it is this:


Ben: Caila’s and my relationship is the deepest so obviously I don’t really like her that much.

They then slowly and awkwardly drift down the river on bamboo sticks in silence. Caila can’t think of anything else to say, maybe she should bring up the one thing the two of them have in common as software salespeople: Microsoft Excel. 

Ben is all like, Caila, can you not be stressed about the fact that I’m dating two other girls? It’s ruining my scenic boat ride.

I bet that Jamaican river rafter could give her something to calm her nerves if you know what I mean. 

That night Caila finally confesses her love to Ben, IN FLATS. You needed to try harder, C.

Caila: Gives a long speech about being in love with Ben and being scared. 
Ben: Yahhhh

Caila: Ben doesn’t have to say anything because I know that he loves me. – nah probs not. 

“There’s no doubt in my mind that it’ll be him and I in the end of this.” – have you ever seen this show Caila? The girls who say this shit are the first to go.

They totes had sex. 

Caila: We were comfortable, and at ease and giddy! he couldn’t tell he was in love with me but he could say I give great head.

Caila, on their shitty, small balcony: I love you.
Ben: Smiles weirdly.

It’d be so much funnier and awkward if they like said bye then both left the room and went in the same direction. 


Why is she walking like she has to take a shit?

Lauren B.: There’s something about the water and just like, sunshine. – Wow, deep convos. 

I mean he OBVIOUSLY likes her more than anyone else like can we get to the finale already.

Producers: The two of you are going to take a boat to a sea shore to save these indigenous turtles from becoming extinct and then wash them off in the ocean.
Jamaicans: Fucking white people.

Ben: Lauren and I are helping turtles survive and that is a very important thing. – Actual Ben quote. Even these baby turtles feel like sell outs right now.

Omg can they stop pretending they give a shit about the turtles this is annoying. 

Lauren: Just hearing all about the sea turtles is making me think that Ben could be the one for me. – HOW DOES THAT SENTENCE MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL?

It’s all fun and games until a sea turtle takes a shit on your new crop top. 

Ben then takes this moment to get serious with Lauren.

Ben: When your sister told me how incredible you are, I started crying.
Lauren: Ew

Ben’s face when he listens to women speak looks like he’s trying to pay attention to what they’re saying but really thinking about the fart he’s holding in.

AHHHHH he told her he loves her too! Ben is such a rule breaker.

Can they just get married already I’m bored.

OMG they’re at SANDALS Jamaica this is just like The Office. 

Ooo ouch for Caila that you told Lauren you love her. AWKZ and then he repeats it for the rest of the night. – Isn’t there a contractual clause against this or something? 

Wow the convo between these two is riveting.
Ben: I love you.
Lauren: I love you. 
Ben: So happy that I love you. 
Ben: I do love you.
Lauren: Yeah I know I heard you the first twelve times.


Excellent convo with Jojo as well:

Jojo: Jamaica is so nice.
Ben: It is.

Ben: Is that waterfall not the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?
Jojo: It is.

Jojo: I wish you could know what goes through my head.
Ben: I wish I was in your head.

Jojo: Words of affirmation are how I express love. – Someone’s been reading the Five Love Languages

Ben is such an “I love you” slut.

Not into Ben’s huge side bod tattoo. WTF does that tattoo say? Live Laugh Love? Also, that chest pimple is really distracting from the process. 

Great Ben, you’ve found 3 girls to say they love you on national television. Is your debilitating insecurity cured yet? 

Ah lucky, Ben gets to the good old sex test for his two frontrunners. Who will be better in bed?

Jojo: You telling me you love me meant more to me than you’ll ever know. 
Ben: Yeah it’s nbd didn’t mean that much to me. 

Ben and Jojo then go over her horrible hometown date.

Ben: I feel like nothing was really resolved and your brothers didn’t like me and your mom def tried to fuck me. 

It’d be way funnier if hey had a communal pool rather than a private suite pool.

Why didn’t the the producers make Ben get a 6 pack in his contract? 

How awkward is it that they all have like the exact same mornings, except for Caila’s date, he got out of there real quick. 

Ben and his fucking overnight backpack, too. I bet the producers packed him a snack pack.  

Jojo is like, that was brutal. Glad he’s gone. Now I can order pancakes and french toast.


Oh it’s such a coincidence that Caila is the one who wants to just spontaneously go see him when she’s the one he’s about to break up with.

Caila: I just wanted to hang out!

Caila: I can tell he feels the same. – Dig the knife deeper ABC


It’d be great if we got a shot of Caila walking in on Ben jerking off. Now he like has to pretend he doesn’t see her coming while sitting in this chair with a fucking cameracrew filming him that’s so awkward. 

Caila arrives and Ben is like fuck, stalker. The breakup basically went like this:

Caila: We’re just two people who love each other who want to be together. – Well that’s like a quarter true. 

Ben: ::Random shit about other relationships feeling stronger and really liking her as a person.::

Caila: That sounds like a line. – It definitely is a line. I would not be shocked if mid break up Ben actually zoned out and then had to say to the word ‘line’ and have the producers feed it to him.

Caila: Thanks Ben, have a good one. – Ben’s like well feel free to stay and have a swim I have some shit to do.

Caila: I think I’m just gonna go there’s no reason to stay.
Ben: Yeah you prob should already have left.

OMG she’s getting out of the car again just when he thought he was off free. 

She’s so annoying and dramatic, I really did love you! :: runs into the uber:: 

Caila: I feel like my purpose in life is to love other people. –  Take a note from Biebs and you should go and love YOURSELF. 

We should’ve known Caila was getting dumped when she got like some shitty room and the others got a suite. At least Ben has this fond memory of her.

Rose Ceremony

We haven’t seen a lot of Ben/Chris Harrison chats..why? Chris feeling too old to talk about stupid shit with 26 year olds? 

Lauren: I told Ben I love him and he said it back, I was surprised.
Chris H: Yeah.. me too. since that’s NOT FUCKING ALLOWED. 

Everyone’s skin is looking really shitty on this vaca.

This cheersing scene is very Big Love. Qhy don’t you marry them both, Ben!

This toast is so fucking awkward.
Jojo: I will do a toast to all of our bodily fluids having mixed together over the past week.


More amazing sh*t

Best from Shop Betches