Last night on the Bachelor we took a trip to exotic Warsaw, Indiana, the orthopedic capital of the world. Yes we get it, Ben’s obsessed with his hometown and he shows this by casually waving at strangers on the street who don’t know who the fuck he is. The girls obviously have to act excited about it by doing dumb shit like throwing dirty leaves on top of each other and pretending to be chill with it even though deep down they’re all thinking this town is disgusting and wondering where the SoulCycle is.
Ben starts the episode off with his parents at a diner that probably has a B rating or worse, where he recaps his thoughts on all the girls: Caila is beautiful. Amanda is shockingly beautiful, Lauren B. is just okay. Jojo could use a boob job. Becca, personality is a 5.
Date with Lauren B.
Ben takes Lauren B on a romantic tour of Warsaw: “Here’s my church, here’s my high school, here’s the hotel where I had my first kiss, that is Beach Bum where I got my first spray tan”
“I wanna kiss you right now but I don’t know how” – This is the second time in his life that pickup line didn’t work.
Next stop is the youth center where all the kids are obsessed with Ben and Lauren has the task of impressing a bunch of 7 year olds who were brought there to be pimped out on national television.
Lauren playing basketball with kids: I felt like I was just hanging out with my friends. – Sounds like you have some pretty lame friends.
There is zero fucking chance Lauren was starstruck by that random basketball player.
::child crying in the corner::
Ben: These are some of my favorite moments here at Bakers!
Ben: Eric you look like a dude that could use a little fun today.
Eric: Ben, you look like a guy that should back the fuck off.
It’s so annoying when these bitches pretend they love the dates that are about helping people.
Lauren B: I could not have asked for a better day. – Like no bitch, you would’ve definitely preferred drinking wine on a catamaran with Ben.
Ben: This day was so great.
Lauren B: This day was amazing.
Ben: So tell me how you feel about this day.
So what was the point of the evening date? To sit on a couch hashing out their potential issues from last week while Ben grapples with a giant boner?
Date with Jojo
Ben: It’s like, so weird that Jojo doesn’t know how much I like her even though I’ve told her so many times! It’s like she thinks the fact that I’m dating 5 other woman is an indication of how special I think she is!
Ben keeps calling Jojo out on having trust issues when what it really means is that Jojo is the only non-delusional cast member.
Jojo: I’m scared because like you’re scared and then that makes me scared. I’m super scared.
Ben: I totally understand.
Group Date / Date with Amanda
Ben takes all the girls kite flying so they can get a sense of the adventurous life they’ll have with Ben, before telling them that if they don’t get a rose they can’t sit with him for the rest of the day.
Becca: I like Ben so much but I also like Caribbean vacations so much so it’s tough to distinguish.
Caila: I figured out why I love you…you’re like…in a community. – What is this lack of community Caila, are you a fucking drifter?
Ben: Do you think you’re stable enough to live in a town?
Caila: I’m moss and I could move to any tree to grow. Also, I have a yeast infection.
Becca finally cries: “My family’s important too! I grew up in Bel Air, Ben. Across the street from Aaron Spelling.”
Ben picks Amanda to continue the date and takes her to McDonalds, his favorite restaurant in Warsaw. He’s obviously just trying to see if she’ll order the happy meal.
Just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse than a date at McDonalds, he forces her to work behind the counter.
The rose looks pretty shitty laid out on the McDonalds tray. Honestly ABC how much did they pay you for this endorsement?
I would love to see Amanda freak the fuck out: “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN THIS MCGRIDDLE!!!!??”
Ben: Being with Amanda would mean I really wouldn’t have to try that hard. She told me she’s the luckiest girl in the world after I took her on a date to McDonalds.
Date with Emily
Emily gets her date card and starts flipping out. Chill Em, it’s a date not an Oscar.
Emily: If Ben were to pick me I would drop my entire life and make his babies immediately. – That seems healthy, then again you’re not leaving much behind. Your occupation is “twin.”
Really though she’s freaking out because she’s excited when really she should be freaking out over how stupid she’s about to look in front of his parents.
Caila: Emily is a bright eyed puppy. I on the other hand, have seen some thangs.
Emily: I need to rely on my conversation skills today. I’m going to pull out all the stops. I’m going to think back to that time I got a 950 on my SATS.
Emily: I’m so average at everything in my life but I think I could be an above average mom and like a dec at best wife. – This is Emily’s version of pulling out all the stops.
Emily to Ben’s Dad: I love watching movies and shopping at Limited Too. I dislike mean girls and having to eat broccoli. Ew!
Ben’s mom: Emily’s obviously a very…fun individual. – The mom hates her.
Becca is so excited watching Ben break up with Emily afterward. “Nope nope looks like she’s sadddd. Yass queen!!!”
Totally did not expect him to keep homeless Caila over Becca. She should’ve been more of a standoff bitch, it worked in Chris’s season.
Love how they decorated the bench where Becca and Ben had their goodbye convo. Stay classy ABC.