The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5

Last night’s Bachelor was held in Mexico City which is, according to Ben, “the political and cultural capital of Mexico – and there’s also great cocaine there!” But let’s be real, Mexico city is a transfer city and they should have gone to Acapulco and rolled at Palladium. That would have been a far better date than a fucking hot air balloon or fake Spanish lessons.” Yo soy tu papa.

As soon as the show started however, we were forced to watch 5 minutes of news anchors talking about Iowa caucus predictions. Does ABC know its audience? 8pm to 10pm is strictly reserved for the Bachelor Nation. Not the Nation-Nation. Do not infiltrate that precious time slot with politics. This is about Ben finding love. Nothing else.


Okay back to Mexico!

Very strong advertisement for the Four Seasons Mexico City, ABC. They even made the contestants join in on this promo….

Olivia: They have a bidet in my room, and even a laminated list of dealers next to the telephone!

I can’t wait to hear all these girls attempt Spanish. Hola. Mas guacamole and chips por favor. Grassy-ass

Emily: Now that my sister’s not here to cockblock, I’m ready to live it up in Mexico City.

Date with Amanda

Amanda’s date begins with Ben waking all the girls up in the middle of the night. Romantic!

Ben: It’s 4:20 in the morning in Mexico City —  Time for a fat blunt

Ben: This is what I’m here for. To see these girls in their element hopefully naked.

It’d be so much funnier if these women woke up and were like, “Ben get the fuck out of here it’s too early for this shit”

Ugh Amanda had a face full of makeup. I mean good move to do it just in case he wakes you up but like also, why don’t you put on a little less to make that shit believable.

“They look absolutely beautiful… without hair, and without makeup… except for maybe Lauren H.”

Ben: Whose weave is this?

Once Ben picks Amanda up they experience Mexico City in the most ultimate way… by going in a hot air balloon. As if they’ve never done that in any other city before!

Amanda sounds like she’s permanently sucking on a helium balloon.

Also, both of them need to stop saying “like.” The fact that even we notice that means it’s way too much.

Only on the Bachelor do they talk about how much they want to get to know each other while NOT ACTUALLY GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

Soooo Amanda, was your ex Scott Disick?  

Group Date

This Spanish class was taken straight outta Bridesmaids: Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en el azul…markada. Tienes con beber en las Fortuasla?

After they force the girls to take a Spanish lesson aka poorly repeat phrases and inevitably insult the entire Mexican community, it’s cooking time!

Ooooh it’s like Top Chef: Moron Edition.  

Emily is like, “Shit the recipes are in Spanish. I barely know English.”

Ben: Cooking’s my thing, I love to bake cookies with my mom after school. I’m not the Bachelor I’m the spatchelor! – Ben you are too cheesy to function.

Olivia: I want to be his partner in life. I want to be his partner in cooking. – I want to be your partner in the silent game.

Olivia’s breath smells like an asshole so Ben force feeds her mint lolz.. Olivia is def dirty. Mas mint!!

Olivia… would you like us to assign someone to butter Ben’s muffin?

At the end of the date he sits down with Jubilee to have a conversation about how she totally sucks….and ends up ditching her Jubilass!

Jubilee: Saying adios is never easy

Ben: Jubilee is a great girl but …
Jojo: I’mma let you finish but JoJo has one of the best dresses on of all time and she wants to talk to you.

Jojo: I have so much respect for Ben now that he got rid of all the minorities on the show.


Date With Retainer Girl

Ben: When Lauren H stepped out of the limo… she was obviously very beautiful. – not so obvious. ^^^

What’s with all these girls and their stupid “surprised” faces. If Lauren H were my kindergarten teacher I would have hit her with all my blocks.

“What most people don’t know about Mexico City is that it’s known for its fashion.” And the reason most people don’t know that is because it’s false.

If Lauren H is allowed to walk in Mexico fashion week, that should tell you how not legit it is.

TBH Ben looked prettayy good walking down that runway but like, what a dumb shirt. 

During the part where they “open up”:

Lauren H: I found out he had been cheating on my with one of my friends.

Ben: Yeah

Rose Ceremony


“I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom.” LOW BLOW OLIVIA. That’s the kind of shit you say to yourself not out loud and then have to fake cry to make up for it. You suck at being a mean girl.

Haley is definitely thrilled that her sister is not having an ah-mazing time in Mexico.

Omg Olivia. After Ben hears how much you suck… You sit down with him and give Ben a promise ring. HOW EMBARASSING. Reel it in, floser.

TO BE CONTINUED. (I blame the caucus). 

PS here’s a videos of Olivia as a news anchor because why not. 


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